This is a very sensitive topic for me. My son is the victim of bullying. I can't yet say he's a survivor because the bullying continues at every turn.
His dad and I put him in Cadets to help him learn discipline and respect. So far it's working but even in this environment he's been bullied. Not by his commanding officers but by fellow Cadets who took it upon themselves at break to tell my son for no apparent reason to "go f**k himself". He's not sure why they said this, he wasn't even talking to them, was engrossed in a conversation with a few other Cadets.
This upset my son, he went outside because he didn't know exactly what to do about it. He didn't want to tell because he felt that would make him a "tattle-tale". I don't blame him for feeling this way. Two years ago a kid threw a rock and hit my son in the forehead. The schoolyard supervisor saw this and the kid was dealt with. He got a three day suspension and my son got about two weeks of tormenting by the bullies friends. They did it in such a way that it would have been his word against theirs and we all know there is power in numbers. So you see, he's reluctant to report it because it really doesn't help.
Back to Cadets. So one of the officers finds him and asks what's going on? My son tells him but won't say who it was, he knows there are repercussions he's been here before. The officer then proceeded to let all the cadets know that bullying and swearing are not tolerated by anyone and if it happens again the culprit will be asked to leave cadets. Fair enough, problem is, now it's going to happen without the higher ranking officers knowing. Bullies are a clever bunch, they know how not to get caught.
Why am I telling this story? Well, because there has been a few teenagers who have taken their own lives because of the torment they had to live with. It scares and sickens me because my own son is headed in this direction. I just pray that he becomes a survivor of bullying and not a victim who takes his own life to end the pain. Why do kids do this to each other? Where are their parents in this?
I know you're not supposed to point your finger at the parents because you'll be met with "it's not our fault, we had no idea" BULLSHIT! If my kid was bullying another and I got a call from the school about it, I would do everything in my power to let my kid know it's not acceptable. Why? Because I'm not a bully, I don't have it in me. However, there are plenty of people out there who do and they likely bully their own kids or spouses and think "good job Johnny, yer a chip off the old block".
When kids set out to torment their victim, they know exactly what they are doing. How can they not? There is NO innocence in bullying. It's done maliciously with the intended end result being harm to another individual. Where the hell did they get the idea this was ok? It's taught in school that it's not acceptable, so can't be there. Is it taught in every single home out there? Obviously not.
At some point in a child's development something breaks. Is it because of too harsh punishment from their parents? Maybe. Is it learned behaviour? Maybe. The thing is no one knows for sure because the bullies don't usually step forward and claim ownership of their actions, nor do the parents of the bullies. You see the victims, but not the perpetrators. Maybe it would be less cool if the bullies were paraded before their peers and let them see how it feels to be tormented. Tit for tat right? An eye for an eye? Turning the other cheek isn't working, you're just setting yourself up to get that one slapped too.
I am so fed up with bullying. The victims tormented into suicide are human and entitled to live without being bullied, why they hell can't these bullies see what they do is so wrong on so many levels? Maybe there needs to be a law passed that makes bullying a criminal offence. Assault is punishable by law, bullying should be too, it's no different from assault when the outcome is the same, and sometimes worse.
I know some of you reading this will probably scoff and say, it's peer pressure or a result of bad parenting or what ever, the point is, bullies make a conscious decision to bully, it's not done by accident it's done on purpose to hurt another individual. It's a choice, like deciding between a chocolate bar or a bag of chips. All they have to do is develop a conscience and set of morals and maybe, just maybe they will make the right decision and not cause the death of an innocent life.
Tammy.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Kindness Of Others
So easily taken advantage of. If someone offers a helping hand because you have whined and complained about how bad you have it. Are they fools for falling prey to your will? If they are willing to sacrifice so you may be happy does this really make them happy or are they just so desperate for attention, any ones attention, they put themselves out there to be taken advantage of.
Think about this. When we begin a relationship with someone we give it our all. 110% jump in with both feet and hope the landing is soft. We hope that the other person is on the same page, we assume they are also in it 110% but do you really know that for sure? Really?
What happens if after a while you start to see signs that maybe it's more like you are giving 110% and they are scraping by with 95%. Then what? Suppose that slips even further, to say 75% on a declining scale as time passes? Are you still giving your 110% or is that waining too? I bet it is.
There is no give without get. Time is the factor here, the more you give and the less you get over time will certainly shift the balance in even the most stable of relationships. Yet the receiver still wants your 110% and oddly enough feel entitled. Maybe even still a little grateful, but it's come to be expected. Who's at fault? Both.
The kind hearted fool and the sponge who's slowly sucking them dry. How do you stop this? You can't, it's up the the individuals involved. Typically the kindness dries up and leaves and the sponge is left sitting all alone wondering what went wrong. OR the sponge is no longer satisfied and kicks the kindhearted soul to the curb. I've seen it happen, I've witnessed the aftermath of such a relationship and the sponge is and always will be the sponge, where as the kindhearted individual becomes jaded and takes on the position of a sponge because they have learned a valuable lesson.
Funny how that works. If you are in a position where you feel even remotely as though you are being taken advantage of you need to speak up. You have rights too, you deserve to be given as much as you give. You deserve to not be drained dry, either emotionally, physically or financially. Your generosity has limits and be sure it is being deposited into as much as withdrawn from.
As for you sponges out there, remember, you are not entitled to rob someone of everything they are, you are not entitled to sit back an put in zero effort. And making excuses is not acceptable. Even Steven please, that way everyone wins.
Oh, and for the record, just because someone had taken advantage of you does not mean you get a "Free Sponge" card. The person you are taking advantage of now, is not the person who took advantage of you, you didn't like it why should they?
Tammy.
Think about this. When we begin a relationship with someone we give it our all. 110% jump in with both feet and hope the landing is soft. We hope that the other person is on the same page, we assume they are also in it 110% but do you really know that for sure? Really?
What happens if after a while you start to see signs that maybe it's more like you are giving 110% and they are scraping by with 95%. Then what? Suppose that slips even further, to say 75% on a declining scale as time passes? Are you still giving your 110% or is that waining too? I bet it is.
There is no give without get. Time is the factor here, the more you give and the less you get over time will certainly shift the balance in even the most stable of relationships. Yet the receiver still wants your 110% and oddly enough feel entitled. Maybe even still a little grateful, but it's come to be expected. Who's at fault? Both.
The kind hearted fool and the sponge who's slowly sucking them dry. How do you stop this? You can't, it's up the the individuals involved. Typically the kindness dries up and leaves and the sponge is left sitting all alone wondering what went wrong. OR the sponge is no longer satisfied and kicks the kindhearted soul to the curb. I've seen it happen, I've witnessed the aftermath of such a relationship and the sponge is and always will be the sponge, where as the kindhearted individual becomes jaded and takes on the position of a sponge because they have learned a valuable lesson.
Funny how that works. If you are in a position where you feel even remotely as though you are being taken advantage of you need to speak up. You have rights too, you deserve to be given as much as you give. You deserve to not be drained dry, either emotionally, physically or financially. Your generosity has limits and be sure it is being deposited into as much as withdrawn from.
As for you sponges out there, remember, you are not entitled to rob someone of everything they are, you are not entitled to sit back an put in zero effort. And making excuses is not acceptable. Even Steven please, that way everyone wins.
Oh, and for the record, just because someone had taken advantage of you does not mean you get a "Free Sponge" card. The person you are taking advantage of now, is not the person who took advantage of you, you didn't like it why should they?
Tammy.
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Art Of Lying
We all do it to some degree and if you deny it...you're lying.
There are several different forms of lies. There are several different reasons for lying and all of which are justifiable to the person spewing the lie. A lie is only a lie if the person being lied to finds out or already knows the truth. A lie is also a lie only if the liar gets caught. Really, think about it. If someone told you a lie, say a little white lie, we all do it. And you believed it. Is it really a lie? It's become your truth hasn't it? It's only the liar who knows it's a lie and they aren't about to fess up so it to becomes their truth. I've blogged about "False Truths" before, this is a little different.
When does a lie become exactly that? When the person being lied to finds out. Before then the lie might have been believable.
What about withholding the truth? What about avoiding being honest with some one and doing something you know you would have to lie about so not to get caught or to not have to face consequences. Is this the same thing? That's up to you to decide. If you live by "what I don't know won't hurt me" then I guess it's ok. But what if you do know? Then what?
Interesting dilemma. Do you let the person withholding information know you know? Or do you let it play out and see how far they are willing to take this risk knowing full well how you may react if you were to find out? But you already know and because you know and are withholding this knowledge does that make you a liar as well?
Tricky business this lying game. It's all a matter of morals and perspective. If you are the type of person who uses lies to get what you want from others, you can justify it eight ways to Sunday it's still lying, it's used for personal gain. If you only lie to protect yourself or others from harm is that still lying? Yes, but what is motivating the person to lie? The personal gain they seek is protection from someone else. They're justified. Still a lie though.
Little white lies, that's a grey area. We use these usually to keep from hurting someones feelings. "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No, you look awesome!" All the while he sees her as a beached whale in it. Should he have been honest and risk ruining their relationship? How would she have reacted if he said "Yes"? It all depends on the person. We do ask to be lied to all the time.
"Do you love me?", "I do" All the while they are planning their escape. Lies are as common place as breathing for some. It's when you encounter someone who abhors lying and liars and espouses how they NEVER lie and yet you catch them time and time again doing just that, lying. Where do you draw the line? When do you "call" them on it? How far do you let the lies go before you stop them? How do you justify their lies to make them hurt a little less? Why?
All really good questions and if even one makes you stop and think not only about what you lie about and why but what you tolerate in lies from others then this blog has value. And if you're sitting there on your high horse claiming to have never lied then I ask you this...what "little white LIE" have you ever told to your kids to keep from deeply hurting their feelings? Like, oh I don't know..."Don't be scared, that needle will only hurt a little bit" Then it's jabbed into their arm, or leg or worse mouth and they know you just lied to them. They might not believe you the next time.
Like I said, we all do it, we are all guilty at some level. But they are really only lies if we get caught right? If we can justify our reasons for doing it is it really that bad? Is it really lying? I guess that's the million dollar question.
Tammy.
There are several different forms of lies. There are several different reasons for lying and all of which are justifiable to the person spewing the lie. A lie is only a lie if the person being lied to finds out or already knows the truth. A lie is also a lie only if the liar gets caught. Really, think about it. If someone told you a lie, say a little white lie, we all do it. And you believed it. Is it really a lie? It's become your truth hasn't it? It's only the liar who knows it's a lie and they aren't about to fess up so it to becomes their truth. I've blogged about "False Truths" before, this is a little different.
When does a lie become exactly that? When the person being lied to finds out. Before then the lie might have been believable.
What about withholding the truth? What about avoiding being honest with some one and doing something you know you would have to lie about so not to get caught or to not have to face consequences. Is this the same thing? That's up to you to decide. If you live by "what I don't know won't hurt me" then I guess it's ok. But what if you do know? Then what?
Interesting dilemma. Do you let the person withholding information know you know? Or do you let it play out and see how far they are willing to take this risk knowing full well how you may react if you were to find out? But you already know and because you know and are withholding this knowledge does that make you a liar as well?
Tricky business this lying game. It's all a matter of morals and perspective. If you are the type of person who uses lies to get what you want from others, you can justify it eight ways to Sunday it's still lying, it's used for personal gain. If you only lie to protect yourself or others from harm is that still lying? Yes, but what is motivating the person to lie? The personal gain they seek is protection from someone else. They're justified. Still a lie though.
Little white lies, that's a grey area. We use these usually to keep from hurting someones feelings. "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No, you look awesome!" All the while he sees her as a beached whale in it. Should he have been honest and risk ruining their relationship? How would she have reacted if he said "Yes"? It all depends on the person. We do ask to be lied to all the time.
"Do you love me?", "I do" All the while they are planning their escape. Lies are as common place as breathing for some. It's when you encounter someone who abhors lying and liars and espouses how they NEVER lie and yet you catch them time and time again doing just that, lying. Where do you draw the line? When do you "call" them on it? How far do you let the lies go before you stop them? How do you justify their lies to make them hurt a little less? Why?
All really good questions and if even one makes you stop and think not only about what you lie about and why but what you tolerate in lies from others then this blog has value. And if you're sitting there on your high horse claiming to have never lied then I ask you this...what "little white LIE" have you ever told to your kids to keep from deeply hurting their feelings? Like, oh I don't know..."Don't be scared, that needle will only hurt a little bit" Then it's jabbed into their arm, or leg or worse mouth and they know you just lied to them. They might not believe you the next time.
Like I said, we all do it, we are all guilty at some level. But they are really only lies if we get caught right? If we can justify our reasons for doing it is it really that bad? Is it really lying? I guess that's the million dollar question.
Tammy.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Patience is a virtue.
Interesting expression isn't it, "patience is a virtue". In a world of instant everything we've lost touch with this particular virtue as we instant this and instant that. But really does it matter? I think so.
To be patient means to wait calmly, even tempered, persevering. Virtue means merit, an admirable quality, moral excellence. So, it is admirable to be able to persevere. Ok, but we don't have to any longer. For most things anyway. I find myself less and less patient these days, when once upon a time it was a quality I prided myself in. My ability to wait calmly. I struggle with this daily now and I don't think it's because as I grow older I become less patient, I think it's because I just don't have to be.
The thing is in this fast paced world we need this virtue of patience more now than ever before. Before we had no choice, today we do. We can instant message someone if we need to contact them, whereas as little as oh, 20 or so years ago less for some we would put pen to paper and send our thoughts and questions via what is now known as "snail mail" and yet that will for the most part arrive at it's destination in a matter of days.
Imagine what life was like 100 years ago? Patience was a requirement expected of everyone. Still an admirable virtue but expected none the less. Today we simply sluff it off if we see someone loosing patients with an other fellow human and chalk it down to them having a bad day. Rarely do we attribute it to them having simply lost the virtue of patience. As if patience is no longer a requirement.
My ex used to abhor the concept of patience. He would say that's just someone elses way of saying "f-you". As if being expected to wait for something was akin to being denied out right. He had and still has a low tolerance for patience and not because of the world around him but because he feels his wishes should be fulfilled instantly upon his request. The concept of having to wait for something was appalling at best.
I on the other hand have decided that I'm going to regain this virtue. I will endeavour as much as possible to be patient, even when it frustrates and annoys me to have to do so. I will wait calmly and preserver, I will embrace this admirable trait and make it mine once again. How? Don't know, but I do know what it feels like to lose my patience so acting in contrary should do the trick.
Remember, "Good things come to those who wait."
Tammy.
To be patient means to wait calmly, even tempered, persevering. Virtue means merit, an admirable quality, moral excellence. So, it is admirable to be able to persevere. Ok, but we don't have to any longer. For most things anyway. I find myself less and less patient these days, when once upon a time it was a quality I prided myself in. My ability to wait calmly. I struggle with this daily now and I don't think it's because as I grow older I become less patient, I think it's because I just don't have to be.
The thing is in this fast paced world we need this virtue of patience more now than ever before. Before we had no choice, today we do. We can instant message someone if we need to contact them, whereas as little as oh, 20 or so years ago less for some we would put pen to paper and send our thoughts and questions via what is now known as "snail mail" and yet that will for the most part arrive at it's destination in a matter of days.
Imagine what life was like 100 years ago? Patience was a requirement expected of everyone. Still an admirable virtue but expected none the less. Today we simply sluff it off if we see someone loosing patients with an other fellow human and chalk it down to them having a bad day. Rarely do we attribute it to them having simply lost the virtue of patience. As if patience is no longer a requirement.
My ex used to abhor the concept of patience. He would say that's just someone elses way of saying "f-you". As if being expected to wait for something was akin to being denied out right. He had and still has a low tolerance for patience and not because of the world around him but because he feels his wishes should be fulfilled instantly upon his request. The concept of having to wait for something was appalling at best.
I on the other hand have decided that I'm going to regain this virtue. I will endeavour as much as possible to be patient, even when it frustrates and annoys me to have to do so. I will wait calmly and preserver, I will embrace this admirable trait and make it mine once again. How? Don't know, but I do know what it feels like to lose my patience so acting in contrary should do the trick.
Remember, "Good things come to those who wait."
Tammy.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Out Of The Ashes.
Why does it take sinking to such lows that then and only then we realise our own self worth.
I think it takes hitting rock bottom to truly appreciate who we really are and the inner strength we are able to muster to bring us back from the brink. We all have ingrained survival instincts and that's what kicks in when we want to check out.
Lately I have been in the very honoured position to assist someone back from the brink. From making the absolute worse decision of their lives due to the very poor decision of another. Nuf said. What I find remarkable is the ability with which we all have within us to shift our perception to fit our needs.
When we wallow in self pitty, it isn't because someone told us to. It's a result of our persception of the situation we find our selves in. We choose how we react, we are not told how to react. That doesn't work. The position I find myself in currently is one of guidance, of sheding light on a new way of seeing things and reasurance, always positive reasureance.
Someone wallowing does not need help with this, they are doing a great job all on their own. What they do need is a voice of reason who sees this damaging behaviour and calls them on it. Gently of course but firmly. Maybe this is a gift or maybe it's just logic, but recognizing someone in dire need of gentel persuasion is something everyone has, it's a matter of taking off the blinders and stepping up to help.
It's not an easy task, knowing just what to say and when. It's not easy remaining neutral and objective when you know all the person in need, needs is a swift kick in the butt. It's not easy not absorbing their problems and making them your own. It's a fine line to walk a balancing act of epic proprotions but it can be done with the right skills.
Elevating someone out of their low is to be done with great trepidation. Do not assume because they tell you they are all right that they are. Monitor behaviour, check in offten and make sure the know that you really care. That you have their best interest at heart and you are always there for them. Most of all, make sure you are always there. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a friend, just be sure to be the best friend you can be. If you are not in a position to offer help, don't, you'll only make matters worse.
I came across a status up date on facebook today that sums it up beautifully. I don't know who said it but I do know who posted it and I would like to thank them for this little nugget of inspiration...
Tammy.
I think it takes hitting rock bottom to truly appreciate who we really are and the inner strength we are able to muster to bring us back from the brink. We all have ingrained survival instincts and that's what kicks in when we want to check out.
Lately I have been in the very honoured position to assist someone back from the brink. From making the absolute worse decision of their lives due to the very poor decision of another. Nuf said. What I find remarkable is the ability with which we all have within us to shift our perception to fit our needs.
When we wallow in self pitty, it isn't because someone told us to. It's a result of our persception of the situation we find our selves in. We choose how we react, we are not told how to react. That doesn't work. The position I find myself in currently is one of guidance, of sheding light on a new way of seeing things and reasurance, always positive reasureance.
Someone wallowing does not need help with this, they are doing a great job all on their own. What they do need is a voice of reason who sees this damaging behaviour and calls them on it. Gently of course but firmly. Maybe this is a gift or maybe it's just logic, but recognizing someone in dire need of gentel persuasion is something everyone has, it's a matter of taking off the blinders and stepping up to help.
It's not an easy task, knowing just what to say and when. It's not easy remaining neutral and objective when you know all the person in need, needs is a swift kick in the butt. It's not easy not absorbing their problems and making them your own. It's a fine line to walk a balancing act of epic proprotions but it can be done with the right skills.
Elevating someone out of their low is to be done with great trepidation. Do not assume because they tell you they are all right that they are. Monitor behaviour, check in offten and make sure the know that you really care. That you have their best interest at heart and you are always there for them. Most of all, make sure you are always there. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a friend, just be sure to be the best friend you can be. If you are not in a position to offer help, don't, you'll only make matters worse.
I came across a status up date on facebook today that sums it up beautifully. I don't know who said it but I do know who posted it and I would like to thank them for this little nugget of inspiration...
Tammy.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Imaginary Abuse
I have blogged about this before but not from this angle. I've written about verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the tole it takes on individuals but I have never written about imaginary abuse.
What I mean by imaginary abuse is exactly that. When someone is so starved for attention that they fabricate horrific events in order to garner sympathy and attention. I know an individual who does this on a regular basis and as a result has a sad pathetic existence plagued by the wrong kind of attention.
I read on the facebook status shuffle application a status that went something like this..."two wrongs don't make a right but two negatives make a positive" OK, yes there is no denying that two negatives make a positive but what they fail to believe is that for every two negatives you only get one positive therefore you will be drowning in negatives in order to attain a drop of positive. See my point?
So this person, used to accuse there ex of sexual abuse, this has now escalated to an accusation of full on rape which happened while they were married. This evolution is an example of imaginary abuse. This person is so needy that they have now blatantly lied at the expense of another human in order to gain the worlds sympathy. Sympathy they do not deserve. Pity, maybe, insane asylum definitely.
What this person, though claiming to be an "expert", doesn't realise is that people who are truly abused either, verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically do not advertise their abuse. They keep it to themselves because of the belief that they some how caused it. They do not advertise to anyone who would listen that their former spouse raped them. They do not celebrate the fact that they were beaten by someone who claimed to love them. The only type of individual who would claim something so heinous is someone who is purely driven by their need for sympathy. This is definitely a mental illness that is damaging on so many levels.
Truly abused individuals are terrified that their abuser will find out no matter the time or distance between them and retaliate. The person who merrily espouses that they were abused has no idea what abuse really is. Either that, or they are so mentally damaged that they suffer masochistic tendencies, which equates to the abuse they suffer being self induced. Which in turn gives them the opportunity to cry victim when all the while they are the predator. I know first hand this person bated their ex into a mild sexual encounter one that did not result in "rape" as claimed and one that was stopped the moment the ex was aware this was not what their spouse wanted. This was not a breach of trust on the part of the alleged offender but blatant entrapment on the part of the alleged victim. Therefore who is the true offender who is the true victim?
Imaginary abuse is symptomatic of a much deeper mental illness. Those individuals who claim imagined abuse are a danger to themselves but more so to those whom they claim abused them. They have no clue or care that their accusations while questionable at best have longer far more detrimental consequence on the innocent accused and on those closest to the accused. Human nature dictates we support the victim and shun the predator. However, when the predator has donned the mask of a victim we are all played as fools.
Be very wary of someone carrying on and on about how they were abused. The chances are it's either all in their head or not at all as it's being conveyed. Unless you happen to know first hand the true situation please as with everything keep in mind there are two sides to every story and with some people you have to take what they tell you with a grain of salt because there is always an agenda or a motive behind such elaborate tales. How you react to their stories will also be indicative to the truth behind it. Should you choose to be sympathetic, listen for the "rest" of the story and ask yourself, "is this for my benefit?" If your response is cold and seemingly uncaring, is the topic of conversation changed or do they continue in an attempt to convince you? Things to look out for.
The easiest way to know who has made up their story of woe is by their demeanour when telling you. Do they cower in on themselves in and attempt to protect themselves from an unseen force, or are they nonchalant and elusive telling you about is as if they were reciting a grocery list? Watch the body language, the eye contact or lack there of (liars avoid eye contact more so than abuse victims) are they animated with their recount? The true and real fact is, someone who has lived through real abuse is less likely to even let you know let alone advertise it to the world for fear of continued abuse, retaliation or personal humiliation. THAT is what abuse victims are reduced to, not sympathy mongering psychopaths...they were/are psychopaths to begin with.
Tammy.
What I mean by imaginary abuse is exactly that. When someone is so starved for attention that they fabricate horrific events in order to garner sympathy and attention. I know an individual who does this on a regular basis and as a result has a sad pathetic existence plagued by the wrong kind of attention.
I read on the facebook status shuffle application a status that went something like this..."two wrongs don't make a right but two negatives make a positive" OK, yes there is no denying that two negatives make a positive but what they fail to believe is that for every two negatives you only get one positive therefore you will be drowning in negatives in order to attain a drop of positive. See my point?
So this person, used to accuse there ex of sexual abuse, this has now escalated to an accusation of full on rape which happened while they were married. This evolution is an example of imaginary abuse. This person is so needy that they have now blatantly lied at the expense of another human in order to gain the worlds sympathy. Sympathy they do not deserve. Pity, maybe, insane asylum definitely.
What this person, though claiming to be an "expert", doesn't realise is that people who are truly abused either, verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically do not advertise their abuse. They keep it to themselves because of the belief that they some how caused it. They do not advertise to anyone who would listen that their former spouse raped them. They do not celebrate the fact that they were beaten by someone who claimed to love them. The only type of individual who would claim something so heinous is someone who is purely driven by their need for sympathy. This is definitely a mental illness that is damaging on so many levels.
Truly abused individuals are terrified that their abuser will find out no matter the time or distance between them and retaliate. The person who merrily espouses that they were abused has no idea what abuse really is. Either that, or they are so mentally damaged that they suffer masochistic tendencies, which equates to the abuse they suffer being self induced. Which in turn gives them the opportunity to cry victim when all the while they are the predator. I know first hand this person bated their ex into a mild sexual encounter one that did not result in "rape" as claimed and one that was stopped the moment the ex was aware this was not what their spouse wanted. This was not a breach of trust on the part of the alleged offender but blatant entrapment on the part of the alleged victim. Therefore who is the true offender who is the true victim?
Imaginary abuse is symptomatic of a much deeper mental illness. Those individuals who claim imagined abuse are a danger to themselves but more so to those whom they claim abused them. They have no clue or care that their accusations while questionable at best have longer far more detrimental consequence on the innocent accused and on those closest to the accused. Human nature dictates we support the victim and shun the predator. However, when the predator has donned the mask of a victim we are all played as fools.
Be very wary of someone carrying on and on about how they were abused. The chances are it's either all in their head or not at all as it's being conveyed. Unless you happen to know first hand the true situation please as with everything keep in mind there are two sides to every story and with some people you have to take what they tell you with a grain of salt because there is always an agenda or a motive behind such elaborate tales. How you react to their stories will also be indicative to the truth behind it. Should you choose to be sympathetic, listen for the "rest" of the story and ask yourself, "is this for my benefit?" If your response is cold and seemingly uncaring, is the topic of conversation changed or do they continue in an attempt to convince you? Things to look out for.
The easiest way to know who has made up their story of woe is by their demeanour when telling you. Do they cower in on themselves in and attempt to protect themselves from an unseen force, or are they nonchalant and elusive telling you about is as if they were reciting a grocery list? Watch the body language, the eye contact or lack there of (liars avoid eye contact more so than abuse victims) are they animated with their recount? The true and real fact is, someone who has lived through real abuse is less likely to even let you know let alone advertise it to the world for fear of continued abuse, retaliation or personal humiliation. THAT is what abuse victims are reduced to, not sympathy mongering psychopaths...they were/are psychopaths to begin with.
Tammy.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
He Said, She Said.
The sad part about leaving your spouse is the hatred they develop towards you. Was it always there, brewing? Was it all they could do to keep from showing you their real feelings towards you? Why did you end the relationship in the first place? What went wrong?
My side of the story goes something like this. I never felt he loved me as much as I loved him. He was extremely controlling to the point I would get upwards of three to four phone calls while out grocery shopping. Then when I arrived home I would be criticized for my purchases. That's just one small example.
His side might go something like this. She's untrustworthy because she never does as she's told. I have to constantly monitor her to make sure she isn't spending too much money or out with her friends having fun while I slave away in the kitchen or at my job to try and get a little ahead. She's undeserving of my love or respect. Or maybe he just thought "she doesn't love me why should I love her?"
After a recent conversation with my ex the above is pretty darn accurate. I was never deserving apparently because I tried to be my own person. A huge no no with a narcissist. He felt he needed to control ever aspect of my life not because he loved me but because he didn't trust me. How's that for a wonderful marriage? Bet you wish you were me huh?
So fast forward four and a half years after our separation. It's been unbelievably rocky with periods of extreme conflict. Usually based around money issues. In my opinion he's a cheep bastard. In his opinion I'm a money grubbing looser. The way he talks to me is in a word, insulting. But why? Why does he think it's ok to talk to me like that? Familiarity? Maybe, maybe he just really hates me that much. I left him after all. What I don't understand is how that is even remotely productive.
For the past four years he's had an outstanding debt of $300.00 for our son's dental surgery with me and for four years he's put off paying it, always coming up with some excuse. The beginning of this school year we were required to pay a tuition type fee for our daughters school program. I didn't have the money when it was due, but I know how schools work I knew I could get an extension to payday just a few days past their due date. My ex decided he would pay the whole shot and I could pay him back my share of $180.00. HANG ON... I could pay HIM back? What's wrong with this picture?
Well, long story short, it's not going to happen. But the fight that ensued in order for me to achieve satisfaction on a debt outstanding for four years was astronomical to say the least. Oh the accusations and outright verbal abuse levied from him during this argument would make a construction worker blush. All for a difference of $120.00 that I have now agreed to forgive was uncalled for. The fact of the matter is, we have a 50/50 arraignment but it has been anything but. I buy the kids their clothes and shoes and any other little item they may require, I have bought their winter gear without so much as a request from him to pay his 50%. I have spent an astronomical amount of money on our daughter helping her with her modeling career and he's pitched in $100.00 so far a fraction of the 50% he would owe. And have NOT asked for a single penny because of the battle I would have to endure.
There is no such thing as 50/50 there is always someone who gets screwed. Usually the less dominant of the spouses. In this case, me. There is no arguing with him, he's always right and I'm always wrong and it's always me who is asking him for money. That's because it's always me who is out of pocket first because he refuses to see to the kids needs, not wants, needs. As a case in point, he told the kids he would give them money for Christmas last year as did I. They had small gifts to open Christmas morning from both of us at our respective homes. My kids each got a money card with their cash inside from me Christmas morning.
This past June their dad finally got around to depositing their Christmas money into their account, six months after Christmas. I suppose it worked out for the best because they had money this past summer but he could have at least told them that was his plan and not lead them to believe they were S.O.L. That whole situation certainly gave them a new perspective as to who they are dealing with. Oh, and if you think this is a little whinny and one sided, after the battle I just endured can you please give me this?
The thing is, sometimes I feel bad about leaving and a little sad because I was obviously not good enough for him. I feel I've hurt my kids by destroying our family but it was all I could do. I was heading down a path of self destruction when I was with him because I felt I had no alternative. I left so I could show my kids that it's not ok to constantly yell at and berate your wife in front of your kids. It's not ok
After episodes like today, I am reminded of all the crap I endured at his hand. And while I'm still a little rattled I know I don't have to go home to him and face a continuation of today's battle. I do however have to endure my son's birthday dinner with him. For the past four years this has been the tradition. It's going to be uncomfortable to say the least but for my son I'm not going to cancel. My kids have already paid too high a price for my decision. For them I will be civil and cordial all the while my skin will be crawling with every moment spent with someone who loathes me so.
I'm the type of person to want to keep the peace, and it's usually at my own expense. He lives for conflict and debate and thrives on the misery of others. Just ask his family. Don't bother with his friends though he has them so convinced he's Gods gift to the world they would certainly not agree. It's those of us closest to him who know who he really is and what he's capable of. We are the ones he considers "the enemy" me, and his family all because we know him, the real him.
Of course he would tell you he's the nicest person he knows and that we are the ones who are wrong. Yes, the whole group of us, who have the exact same experience with him and the exact same opinion of him, we are all wrong. The thing is, he really doesn't see the damage he does. He is unknowingly destructive and eventually everyone who gets close to him realises this and walks away. I've had a conversation with one of his many girlfriends since we split. I was finally able to let her know what I had been wanting to tell all of his girlfriends. "Do you think I left him because he is a nice guy?" She has witnessed first hand his true colours as did I in January 2000 when we were living in a hotel with two toddlers because he couldn't keep the real him in check.
It's a sad sad day when you realise the person you've invested 13 years and two children with never really loved you. It literally took me until now to figure this out. I blamed his temper, what it was, was his lack of love and respect for me. If once just once I felt that he loved me the way a husband and wife should love each other I would have stayed. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. It always felt I was struggling to earn his love and respect and he was always raising the bar so I could never attain it. His side? Irrelevant. I really don't care anymore what he thought of me or our marriage. He will no longer live in my head with the "what ifs" I know what my life would be like if we were still together, we wouldn't be. This split was, from the start, inevitable.
Tammy.
My side of the story goes something like this. I never felt he loved me as much as I loved him. He was extremely controlling to the point I would get upwards of three to four phone calls while out grocery shopping. Then when I arrived home I would be criticized for my purchases. That's just one small example.
His side might go something like this. She's untrustworthy because she never does as she's told. I have to constantly monitor her to make sure she isn't spending too much money or out with her friends having fun while I slave away in the kitchen or at my job to try and get a little ahead. She's undeserving of my love or respect. Or maybe he just thought "she doesn't love me why should I love her?"
After a recent conversation with my ex the above is pretty darn accurate. I was never deserving apparently because I tried to be my own person. A huge no no with a narcissist. He felt he needed to control ever aspect of my life not because he loved me but because he didn't trust me. How's that for a wonderful marriage? Bet you wish you were me huh?
So fast forward four and a half years after our separation. It's been unbelievably rocky with periods of extreme conflict. Usually based around money issues. In my opinion he's a cheep bastard. In his opinion I'm a money grubbing looser. The way he talks to me is in a word, insulting. But why? Why does he think it's ok to talk to me like that? Familiarity? Maybe, maybe he just really hates me that much. I left him after all. What I don't understand is how that is even remotely productive.
For the past four years he's had an outstanding debt of $300.00 for our son's dental surgery with me and for four years he's put off paying it, always coming up with some excuse. The beginning of this school year we were required to pay a tuition type fee for our daughters school program. I didn't have the money when it was due, but I know how schools work I knew I could get an extension to payday just a few days past their due date. My ex decided he would pay the whole shot and I could pay him back my share of $180.00. HANG ON... I could pay HIM back? What's wrong with this picture?
Well, long story short, it's not going to happen. But the fight that ensued in order for me to achieve satisfaction on a debt outstanding for four years was astronomical to say the least. Oh the accusations and outright verbal abuse levied from him during this argument would make a construction worker blush. All for a difference of $120.00 that I have now agreed to forgive was uncalled for. The fact of the matter is, we have a 50/50 arraignment but it has been anything but. I buy the kids their clothes and shoes and any other little item they may require, I have bought their winter gear without so much as a request from him to pay his 50%. I have spent an astronomical amount of money on our daughter helping her with her modeling career and he's pitched in $100.00 so far a fraction of the 50% he would owe. And have NOT asked for a single penny because of the battle I would have to endure.
There is no such thing as 50/50 there is always someone who gets screwed. Usually the less dominant of the spouses. In this case, me. There is no arguing with him, he's always right and I'm always wrong and it's always me who is asking him for money. That's because it's always me who is out of pocket first because he refuses to see to the kids needs, not wants, needs. As a case in point, he told the kids he would give them money for Christmas last year as did I. They had small gifts to open Christmas morning from both of us at our respective homes. My kids each got a money card with their cash inside from me Christmas morning.
This past June their dad finally got around to depositing their Christmas money into their account, six months after Christmas. I suppose it worked out for the best because they had money this past summer but he could have at least told them that was his plan and not lead them to believe they were S.O.L. That whole situation certainly gave them a new perspective as to who they are dealing with. Oh, and if you think this is a little whinny and one sided, after the battle I just endured can you please give me this?
The thing is, sometimes I feel bad about leaving and a little sad because I was obviously not good enough for him. I feel I've hurt my kids by destroying our family but it was all I could do. I was heading down a path of self destruction when I was with him because I felt I had no alternative. I left so I could show my kids that it's not ok to constantly yell at and berate your wife in front of your kids. It's not ok
After episodes like today, I am reminded of all the crap I endured at his hand. And while I'm still a little rattled I know I don't have to go home to him and face a continuation of today's battle. I do however have to endure my son's birthday dinner with him. For the past four years this has been the tradition. It's going to be uncomfortable to say the least but for my son I'm not going to cancel. My kids have already paid too high a price for my decision. For them I will be civil and cordial all the while my skin will be crawling with every moment spent with someone who loathes me so.
I'm the type of person to want to keep the peace, and it's usually at my own expense. He lives for conflict and debate and thrives on the misery of others. Just ask his family. Don't bother with his friends though he has them so convinced he's Gods gift to the world they would certainly not agree. It's those of us closest to him who know who he really is and what he's capable of. We are the ones he considers "the enemy" me, and his family all because we know him, the real him.
Of course he would tell you he's the nicest person he knows and that we are the ones who are wrong. Yes, the whole group of us, who have the exact same experience with him and the exact same opinion of him, we are all wrong. The thing is, he really doesn't see the damage he does. He is unknowingly destructive and eventually everyone who gets close to him realises this and walks away. I've had a conversation with one of his many girlfriends since we split. I was finally able to let her know what I had been wanting to tell all of his girlfriends. "Do you think I left him because he is a nice guy?" She has witnessed first hand his true colours as did I in January 2000 when we were living in a hotel with two toddlers because he couldn't keep the real him in check.
It's a sad sad day when you realise the person you've invested 13 years and two children with never really loved you. It literally took me until now to figure this out. I blamed his temper, what it was, was his lack of love and respect for me. If once just once I felt that he loved me the way a husband and wife should love each other I would have stayed. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. It always felt I was struggling to earn his love and respect and he was always raising the bar so I could never attain it. His side? Irrelevant. I really don't care anymore what he thought of me or our marriage. He will no longer live in my head with the "what ifs" I know what my life would be like if we were still together, we wouldn't be. This split was, from the start, inevitable.
Tammy.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Failure
When we set someone up to fail one of two things will happen. They will either fail as we expect or they will succeed as we don't expect. What then?
Well, in a fair and just world we should praise the individual for their achievement shouldn't we? Not look for justification in how it was our expectations that caused the victory. Oh we can be narcissist can't we?
Unfortunately when we set someone up to fail it's because we know with certainty that we will be proven right in our judgment. It's not about the poor individual who has just failed miserably but about our need to elevate ourselves, no matter the cost. Who gets hurt? The person you've just set up.
To do this to a child is unconscionable. It is a form of child abuse and it lowers a child's fragile self esteem to the point of no recovery. All for what? So you can say "I told you so"? Really? Why not teach the child how to succeed? Why not elevate there self esteem? Why? Because for most of us it is against our nature to put others before ourselves. Unless of course you're a mom. I would die for my kids, no questions asked.
I want my kids to be a million times more successful than I could ever dream to be. I would never "set them up to fail" yet I see them being set up and I do nothing. The guilt I feel about this is consuming and yet I do nothing. I have no argument, I'm defeated at every turn. All I can do is be there when they fail and assure them it's NOT THEIR FAULT! How do I fight for them? How can I help them?
All I can offer is to be there to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
Tammy.
Well, in a fair and just world we should praise the individual for their achievement shouldn't we? Not look for justification in how it was our expectations that caused the victory. Oh we can be narcissist can't we?
Unfortunately when we set someone up to fail it's because we know with certainty that we will be proven right in our judgment. It's not about the poor individual who has just failed miserably but about our need to elevate ourselves, no matter the cost. Who gets hurt? The person you've just set up.
To do this to a child is unconscionable. It is a form of child abuse and it lowers a child's fragile self esteem to the point of no recovery. All for what? So you can say "I told you so"? Really? Why not teach the child how to succeed? Why not elevate there self esteem? Why? Because for most of us it is against our nature to put others before ourselves. Unless of course you're a mom. I would die for my kids, no questions asked.
I want my kids to be a million times more successful than I could ever dream to be. I would never "set them up to fail" yet I see them being set up and I do nothing. The guilt I feel about this is consuming and yet I do nothing. I have no argument, I'm defeated at every turn. All I can do is be there when they fail and assure them it's NOT THEIR FAULT! How do I fight for them? How can I help them?
All I can offer is to be there to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
Tammy.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Good Riddance
Letting go of anything is difficult, we are creatures who cherish our belongings more so than any other species on this planet. We place sentimental value on our possessions and along with that our thoughts and feelings. We attach and it's very traumatic at time to detach.
Like a child and their favourite toy. There is comfort and safety associated with it. My son still has his first teddy, given to him the day he was born. Blue Bear is still a comfort for him even now and he's hard pressed to detach himself. One day he will, and forcing him to let go would cause stress he doesn't need. After all his attachment to Blue Bear is innocent and not harmful. Of course his mom telling the world about it might one day upset him but for sake of example I think he'd understand.
As children we form our first attachments. To our parents, mom first then dad, to our extended family, to our possessions and eventually to our friends. Sometimes things change and we are forced to detach, this causes trauma and is distressing especially in the case of a child who may not understand the circumstances behind these changes.
There is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration and a real sense of loss. It is unfair to tell the person to "just get over it." or "you need to let it go." Yes that's how we see it looking in, but who the hell are we to determine the ability or capacity of the person living this trauma to "just get over it" or "let it go" we are not in their shoes we do not feel the anxiety that comes from this loss and we can only imagine what they are feeling.
Even if you've been through what they are going through it's still different. Everyone processes differently. What seems like no big deal to some is catastrophic to others. You cannot reasonably assume you know what is right. All you can do is offer your story and how you dealt with a similar situation, you can be a supportive listener and shoulder to cry on. You can not definitively say what will work and what won't. We did not come with a user manual and to assume you know what is best for some one because it was best for you may lead to even bigger problems for the person you are trying to help.
Letting go of a toxic situation or individual seems frighteningly more difficult and I can only surmise it's because they have instilled in us an immense amount of fear and uncertainty. Fear that we could not survive without them and uncertainty of how they might react if we try to let go. An abusive spouse, man or woman, will always fain remorse after an assault. They claim they love their victim, that it will never happen again and truly skilled abusers will somehow make it the fault of the victim, this diminishes the victims self esteem and eventually the abused believes that all their problems are a direct result of their actions and not the abuser. They are lead to believe that they wouldn't survive without the abuser and therefore the attachment grows stronger.
When the abused finally has had enough and hopefully this is long before their life is endangered, they make a bold and very brave move and remove themselves from the situation. Or someone in authority makes the change for them. Why is it then that so many return to their abuser? Well, because they are so attached they believe they will surely perish without their abuser.
I was recently asked why someone missed their abuser. I'm going to elaborate on the answer because I've had time to think about it. I feel it's because the abuser has lead the victim to believe they need them. When we feel we are needed we equate that with love and we all want to be loved even if it means taking a beating now and then. We blame ourselves and learn to cope, after all we get the affection after the fight right? Did there need to be a fight in the first place?
Our attachments whether healthy or not are who we are, who we define ourselves as, for all the world to see. Some we keep private, some we advertise, some we don't even realise we have. Letting go while terrifying can also be liberating! BUT you have to do it on your terms in your time and don't let anyone tell you what will work for you, only you know that. Only you can determine your time line and what you are comfortable with, even if you are uncomfortable with it, there is still a comfort level to be attained. It will happen when you are ready for it to happen.
The thing to keep in mind is, the attachment is yours to keep or discard. It's not forced on you it's not a life sentence and it's not within your control to determine the length of time you will have this attachment. Sometimes circumstance tears the attachment from you physically, but emotionally the ties are still there. The loss of a loved one for example is a sudden detachment physically but emotionally it my never detach. How you cope is what is key to surviving without your attachment.
One thing I've recommended is writing. Write it down and get it out of your head. For some this works for others not so much, it's up to you to decide. Talking about it works as well, talk until you're sick of hearing it. Eventually you will let go and you will feel liberated and you will know that you did the right thing for you. Not because someone told you to but because you made a conscious decision to move on.
Tammy.
Like a child and their favourite toy. There is comfort and safety associated with it. My son still has his first teddy, given to him the day he was born. Blue Bear is still a comfort for him even now and he's hard pressed to detach himself. One day he will, and forcing him to let go would cause stress he doesn't need. After all his attachment to Blue Bear is innocent and not harmful. Of course his mom telling the world about it might one day upset him but for sake of example I think he'd understand.
As children we form our first attachments. To our parents, mom first then dad, to our extended family, to our possessions and eventually to our friends. Sometimes things change and we are forced to detach, this causes trauma and is distressing especially in the case of a child who may not understand the circumstances behind these changes.
There is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration and a real sense of loss. It is unfair to tell the person to "just get over it." or "you need to let it go." Yes that's how we see it looking in, but who the hell are we to determine the ability or capacity of the person living this trauma to "just get over it" or "let it go" we are not in their shoes we do not feel the anxiety that comes from this loss and we can only imagine what they are feeling.
Even if you've been through what they are going through it's still different. Everyone processes differently. What seems like no big deal to some is catastrophic to others. You cannot reasonably assume you know what is right. All you can do is offer your story and how you dealt with a similar situation, you can be a supportive listener and shoulder to cry on. You can not definitively say what will work and what won't. We did not come with a user manual and to assume you know what is best for some one because it was best for you may lead to even bigger problems for the person you are trying to help.
Letting go of a toxic situation or individual seems frighteningly more difficult and I can only surmise it's because they have instilled in us an immense amount of fear and uncertainty. Fear that we could not survive without them and uncertainty of how they might react if we try to let go. An abusive spouse, man or woman, will always fain remorse after an assault. They claim they love their victim, that it will never happen again and truly skilled abusers will somehow make it the fault of the victim, this diminishes the victims self esteem and eventually the abused believes that all their problems are a direct result of their actions and not the abuser. They are lead to believe that they wouldn't survive without the abuser and therefore the attachment grows stronger.
When the abused finally has had enough and hopefully this is long before their life is endangered, they make a bold and very brave move and remove themselves from the situation. Or someone in authority makes the change for them. Why is it then that so many return to their abuser? Well, because they are so attached they believe they will surely perish without their abuser.
I was recently asked why someone missed their abuser. I'm going to elaborate on the answer because I've had time to think about it. I feel it's because the abuser has lead the victim to believe they need them. When we feel we are needed we equate that with love and we all want to be loved even if it means taking a beating now and then. We blame ourselves and learn to cope, after all we get the affection after the fight right? Did there need to be a fight in the first place?
Our attachments whether healthy or not are who we are, who we define ourselves as, for all the world to see. Some we keep private, some we advertise, some we don't even realise we have. Letting go while terrifying can also be liberating! BUT you have to do it on your terms in your time and don't let anyone tell you what will work for you, only you know that. Only you can determine your time line and what you are comfortable with, even if you are uncomfortable with it, there is still a comfort level to be attained. It will happen when you are ready for it to happen.
The thing to keep in mind is, the attachment is yours to keep or discard. It's not forced on you it's not a life sentence and it's not within your control to determine the length of time you will have this attachment. Sometimes circumstance tears the attachment from you physically, but emotionally the ties are still there. The loss of a loved one for example is a sudden detachment physically but emotionally it my never detach. How you cope is what is key to surviving without your attachment.
One thing I've recommended is writing. Write it down and get it out of your head. For some this works for others not so much, it's up to you to decide. Talking about it works as well, talk until you're sick of hearing it. Eventually you will let go and you will feel liberated and you will know that you did the right thing for you. Not because someone told you to but because you made a conscious decision to move on.
Tammy.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
When A Good Relationship Goes Bad
We don't enter into a relationship with the notion that this is short term, not usually anyway. Typically we hope for long term commitment and the first year is usually pretty great, they honeymoon phase if you will. Then you settle in and each of you are now comfortable revealing you true colours to each other. Sometimes your colours compliment each other sometimes they clash.
When we are in a new relationship we are unsure of our status with the other person, we try really hard to impress and are willing to compromise on issues that normally we wouldn't in an effort to ensure the other persons happiness. Why does that have to change? When does it change? What do we do to facilitate that change?
Relationships fall into three categories. First the honeymoon phase, as mentioned above. Second the fashion assassin phase and Third the colour blind phase.
Honeymoon Phase: This can last up to three years depending on the compatibility of the couple.
You know that period when you are first discovering each other, learning what pleases and what doesn't actually making an effort to ensure your new found loves happiness. Doing those little things to please them and being very appreciative of their efforts. It's a lot of figgin work and after a while we have to wean ourselves off the constant niceties. The trick here is to not go cold turkey but to maintain a level that will sustain you into the Fashion Assassin Phase.
Fashion Assassin Phase: This is where your true colours either clash or compliment and the duration is dependant on how you "look" together.
This can be long and happy if you compliment each other, and not in the verbal sense, however that helps. Are you the Yin to his Yang? Are you balanced as a couple and as individuals, do you embrace each others differences and compliment each other on what a great team you make. Congratulations you will likely move onto the colour blind phase with little conflict.
However if your colours clash you will know it and fast. Once the honeymoon phase passes and that knight in shining armour turns into an idiot in tin foil what do you do? Continue in the relationship hoping and praying that maybe he's just on vacation and will return to sweep you off your feet? Good luck with that. People are incapable of changing their true colours, their nature is what it is. No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in, if the other person is a lazy procrastinator or controlling and manipulative you will not change that.
Keep in mind however that what you see is reflected back on you. You see them as lazy they may see you as a controlling nag. Be careful of what you accuse them of because they will have also formed an opinion of you bases on what they see. This is a recipe for disaster, this is why couples run into problems. It's not necessarily outside influences, however that can play a part. It's simply because their colours clash.
One thing I have observed in my relationships is that opposites while initially attract they are and always will be opposite or opposing. My ex is an extrovert I'm an introvert it was exhausting listening to him prattle on about how great he is and for him my lack of expression was read as a lack of interest, not true at first but eventually I did lose interest. My current partner is an introvert maybe even more so than me and it has lead to a lack of communication. It's all about balance, extremes of either personality will set the relationship out of balance. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.
There are couples out there who compliment each other perfectly, this doesn't mean their relationship is perfect but they have the balance necessary to facilitate harmony in the relationship. They are not fashion assassins but well co-ordinated with all the right accessories and matching shoes. You know those couples, the ones most of the rest of us envy they have it all together right? Not necessarily trust me there is no such thing as the perfect couple, they just know how to continue complimenting each other in the face of adversity because they have balance.
Colour Blind Phase: This is reserved for couples who have made it through child rearing years and are so accustom to each others colours they have become colour blind to them. My parents for example.
My parents have been married for almost 44 years and they are the epitome of colour blind. They exist together because that's what they have always done. There colours have melded together creating an entirely new colour that is undetectable to the naked eye they are uni-coloured. This doesn't mean they have no individual personality, my parents are very different from each other it's just that over the past 44 years they have adapted to each others colours blending them and creating balance where there may not have been.
I remember growing up, my mom was the disciplinarian, with two daughters it's really no wonder, yet we were terrified or our dad. Not in a way that we though he would hurt us, more so in that we didn't want to see what would happen if we did piss him off. My dad's a big man with a big voice and you didn't need a cell phone to be called home for dinner you just needed my dad standing in the front door hollering for us, and you came running as soon as you heard the first bellow.
What do you do if there is no hope of balance or compliment? Do you continue to force that square peg into the round hole or do you give up and find a round peg? It depends on you conviction and commitment to the relationship as well as the other persons conviction and commitment. BUT you need to talk about it. You can't sit and stew about how your partner seems to ignore you until they want something from you, usually sex. This builds resentment. Day to day life events cause us to act or react and depending on the situation sometimes you need your partner to help you. If they are unavailable (even if in the room) you will grow to resent their in-action or lack of reaction.
How do you get back to the honeymoon phase to salvage your relationship? You don't that has passed and it's too late. That doesn't mean you give up it just means you have to be practical in you approach to repairing your bad relationship. You move forward, agree to disagree and try to find balance. If both parties are willing to do the work the relationship may survive. If only one is willing then you may as well stop wasting valuable resources on someone who just doesn't give a damn about you.
There is no invisible force field holding you to someone who really doesn't love or respect you, children growing up in such an environment learn that it's ok not to love your wife or husband because that's what they have grown up with, it's normal in their eyes and will lead to failed relationship after failed relationship.
So now I ask myself, why, if my parents have such a great marriage have I failed at more than my fare share? Because I honestly believed during the honeymoon phase that their attentiveness, commitment and care would last the rest of our lives. Once that phase passed and their true colours emerged (mine included) we clashed big time, there was no balance and no compliment. No matter how I tried I couldn't change them and I was wrong to think I could. You are not responsible for changing someone else only they can change themselves and trust me, they don't think there is anything that needs changing about them any more than you think you need to change.
Be true to yourself, take care of you and put behind you any notion that you are unworthy of finding your Yin. They are out there it's knowing how to recognise them. And that's a whole other story...
Tammy.
When we are in a new relationship we are unsure of our status with the other person, we try really hard to impress and are willing to compromise on issues that normally we wouldn't in an effort to ensure the other persons happiness. Why does that have to change? When does it change? What do we do to facilitate that change?
Relationships fall into three categories. First the honeymoon phase, as mentioned above. Second the fashion assassin phase and Third the colour blind phase.
Honeymoon Phase: This can last up to three years depending on the compatibility of the couple.
You know that period when you are first discovering each other, learning what pleases and what doesn't actually making an effort to ensure your new found loves happiness. Doing those little things to please them and being very appreciative of their efforts. It's a lot of figgin work and after a while we have to wean ourselves off the constant niceties. The trick here is to not go cold turkey but to maintain a level that will sustain you into the Fashion Assassin Phase.
Fashion Assassin Phase: This is where your true colours either clash or compliment and the duration is dependant on how you "look" together.
This can be long and happy if you compliment each other, and not in the verbal sense, however that helps. Are you the Yin to his Yang? Are you balanced as a couple and as individuals, do you embrace each others differences and compliment each other on what a great team you make. Congratulations you will likely move onto the colour blind phase with little conflict.
However if your colours clash you will know it and fast. Once the honeymoon phase passes and that knight in shining armour turns into an idiot in tin foil what do you do? Continue in the relationship hoping and praying that maybe he's just on vacation and will return to sweep you off your feet? Good luck with that. People are incapable of changing their true colours, their nature is what it is. No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in, if the other person is a lazy procrastinator or controlling and manipulative you will not change that.
Keep in mind however that what you see is reflected back on you. You see them as lazy they may see you as a controlling nag. Be careful of what you accuse them of because they will have also formed an opinion of you bases on what they see. This is a recipe for disaster, this is why couples run into problems. It's not necessarily outside influences, however that can play a part. It's simply because their colours clash.
One thing I have observed in my relationships is that opposites while initially attract they are and always will be opposite or opposing. My ex is an extrovert I'm an introvert it was exhausting listening to him prattle on about how great he is and for him my lack of expression was read as a lack of interest, not true at first but eventually I did lose interest. My current partner is an introvert maybe even more so than me and it has lead to a lack of communication. It's all about balance, extremes of either personality will set the relationship out of balance. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.
There are couples out there who compliment each other perfectly, this doesn't mean their relationship is perfect but they have the balance necessary to facilitate harmony in the relationship. They are not fashion assassins but well co-ordinated with all the right accessories and matching shoes. You know those couples, the ones most of the rest of us envy they have it all together right? Not necessarily trust me there is no such thing as the perfect couple, they just know how to continue complimenting each other in the face of adversity because they have balance.
Colour Blind Phase: This is reserved for couples who have made it through child rearing years and are so accustom to each others colours they have become colour blind to them. My parents for example.
My parents have been married for almost 44 years and they are the epitome of colour blind. They exist together because that's what they have always done. There colours have melded together creating an entirely new colour that is undetectable to the naked eye they are uni-coloured. This doesn't mean they have no individual personality, my parents are very different from each other it's just that over the past 44 years they have adapted to each others colours blending them and creating balance where there may not have been.
I remember growing up, my mom was the disciplinarian, with two daughters it's really no wonder, yet we were terrified or our dad. Not in a way that we though he would hurt us, more so in that we didn't want to see what would happen if we did piss him off. My dad's a big man with a big voice and you didn't need a cell phone to be called home for dinner you just needed my dad standing in the front door hollering for us, and you came running as soon as you heard the first bellow.
What do you do if there is no hope of balance or compliment? Do you continue to force that square peg into the round hole or do you give up and find a round peg? It depends on you conviction and commitment to the relationship as well as the other persons conviction and commitment. BUT you need to talk about it. You can't sit and stew about how your partner seems to ignore you until they want something from you, usually sex. This builds resentment. Day to day life events cause us to act or react and depending on the situation sometimes you need your partner to help you. If they are unavailable (even if in the room) you will grow to resent their in-action or lack of reaction.
How do you get back to the honeymoon phase to salvage your relationship? You don't that has passed and it's too late. That doesn't mean you give up it just means you have to be practical in you approach to repairing your bad relationship. You move forward, agree to disagree and try to find balance. If both parties are willing to do the work the relationship may survive. If only one is willing then you may as well stop wasting valuable resources on someone who just doesn't give a damn about you.
There is no invisible force field holding you to someone who really doesn't love or respect you, children growing up in such an environment learn that it's ok not to love your wife or husband because that's what they have grown up with, it's normal in their eyes and will lead to failed relationship after failed relationship.
So now I ask myself, why, if my parents have such a great marriage have I failed at more than my fare share? Because I honestly believed during the honeymoon phase that their attentiveness, commitment and care would last the rest of our lives. Once that phase passed and their true colours emerged (mine included) we clashed big time, there was no balance and no compliment. No matter how I tried I couldn't change them and I was wrong to think I could. You are not responsible for changing someone else only they can change themselves and trust me, they don't think there is anything that needs changing about them any more than you think you need to change.
Be true to yourself, take care of you and put behind you any notion that you are unworthy of finding your Yin. They are out there it's knowing how to recognise them. And that's a whole other story...
Tammy.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
No, This Is Not About YOU!
Ever encounter a situation where you really need to let someone know they are hurting a loved one? I know several people, myself included who have had to deal with this. There is a common thread with this, the individual doing the hurting needs it to be about them.
Recently a good friend received an email from an individual who just doesn't seem to get that they are hurting someone close to them. The original email from my friend indicated that they were concerned that the person being hurt would do something dangerous to themselves and the offending party needed to step up and take notice.
Well what in sued was a verbal attack and the offender twisted and turned it around to make them out to be the victim and made the whole situation about them.
I've said it before I'll say it again, this is NOT about YOU!
The way I explained it to my friend is, we know what's really going on. The other person due to lack of interest has no clue yet their feelings of utter hatred towards my friend automatically assume it's all made up and no more than crazy ramblings. The thing is, my friend is perfectly sane. The individual they deal with is and has been diagnosed with a mental disorder yet, in their mind they are not the crazy one.
It's frustrating to deal with individuals who suffer from mental instability. Whether it is diagnosed or not, these people refuse to get help. Why? Well because they honestly believe they are normal any you are the nut job. You can not explain to them that their behaviour and actions are not normal, they won't believe you. As far as they are concerned you are just out to "get" them.
As an observer in this situation I can see the dilemma, the pattern of behaviour and the resulting onslaught of written and verbal abuse issued by the unstable individual, yet they maintain there is nothing wrong with them. They are incapable of seeing the other persons point of view. They are only concerned with how this or that affects them directly and will only address that which they see either a benefit or a personal attack. They avoid issues that they cause that directly affect others, usually innocent bystanders because they feel they have had nothing to do with it.
So what do you do about it. There isn't much. These people are beyond help, they are ignorant to the problems and crisis they cause and are so driven by ego they refuse to take ownership of their actions. Sure there are professionals out there who claim they can help and for some yes they can. For these individuals though there is no help. Even if you can convince them to go for therapy they will attend a maximum three sessions, enough to placate you but not so many that they have to face their demons. They are master manipulators be certain of that and will likely only tell the therapist what they want to hear.
Time and time again I've seen and heard such stories. I've also heard about successes with therapy and there is a very big difference between those who are helped and those who can not be helped and that is willingness. Willingness to get better, willingness to take ownership and willingness to admit you were wrong and most of all willingness to ask for help. These individuals who are willing do not come from a place of ego, that is not what drives them. Those individuals who are driven by ego will never ask for help, at least not until something traumatic happens to them directly. It's a sad situation to find your self part of, all you can do is protect yourself and those closest to you by not letting the offending individual get too close. If that means leaving a toxic situation then that's what you have to do, think of yourself for once, Lord knows they only think of themselves.
Tammy.
Recently a good friend received an email from an individual who just doesn't seem to get that they are hurting someone close to them. The original email from my friend indicated that they were concerned that the person being hurt would do something dangerous to themselves and the offending party needed to step up and take notice.
Well what in sued was a verbal attack and the offender twisted and turned it around to make them out to be the victim and made the whole situation about them.
I've said it before I'll say it again, this is NOT about YOU!
The way I explained it to my friend is, we know what's really going on. The other person due to lack of interest has no clue yet their feelings of utter hatred towards my friend automatically assume it's all made up and no more than crazy ramblings. The thing is, my friend is perfectly sane. The individual they deal with is and has been diagnosed with a mental disorder yet, in their mind they are not the crazy one.
It's frustrating to deal with individuals who suffer from mental instability. Whether it is diagnosed or not, these people refuse to get help. Why? Well because they honestly believe they are normal any you are the nut job. You can not explain to them that their behaviour and actions are not normal, they won't believe you. As far as they are concerned you are just out to "get" them.
As an observer in this situation I can see the dilemma, the pattern of behaviour and the resulting onslaught of written and verbal abuse issued by the unstable individual, yet they maintain there is nothing wrong with them. They are incapable of seeing the other persons point of view. They are only concerned with how this or that affects them directly and will only address that which they see either a benefit or a personal attack. They avoid issues that they cause that directly affect others, usually innocent bystanders because they feel they have had nothing to do with it.
So what do you do about it. There isn't much. These people are beyond help, they are ignorant to the problems and crisis they cause and are so driven by ego they refuse to take ownership of their actions. Sure there are professionals out there who claim they can help and for some yes they can. For these individuals though there is no help. Even if you can convince them to go for therapy they will attend a maximum three sessions, enough to placate you but not so many that they have to face their demons. They are master manipulators be certain of that and will likely only tell the therapist what they want to hear.
Time and time again I've seen and heard such stories. I've also heard about successes with therapy and there is a very big difference between those who are helped and those who can not be helped and that is willingness. Willingness to get better, willingness to take ownership and willingness to admit you were wrong and most of all willingness to ask for help. These individuals who are willing do not come from a place of ego, that is not what drives them. Those individuals who are driven by ego will never ask for help, at least not until something traumatic happens to them directly. It's a sad situation to find your self part of, all you can do is protect yourself and those closest to you by not letting the offending individual get too close. If that means leaving a toxic situation then that's what you have to do, think of yourself for once, Lord knows they only think of themselves.
Tammy.
Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk...
...get a paper towel and clean it up! Better yet, call the dog and have him do it!
A funny saying "There's no sense crying over spilt milk." It's true, what can you possibly do to un-spill it? Nothing. How does this relate to relationships?
Lets disect.
When you spill a glass of milk how do you react? Usually pissed off because of the mess you've made you now have to clean up. What if that mess isn't milk but a fight you've had with your spouse or children? Or maybe you've done something or said something to someone who really didn't deseve it and you see the mess you've made. Is it too late to cry over it? Not always, the question is, what are you going to do to fix it?
Does it need fixing? Is it fixable? Do you expect an appology from the milk for spilling in the first place? Who knocked it over? What are you willing to do to clean up the mess?
This was an expression Nanny would use if someone was feeling bad about something they had done but was out of their control to change. "There's no sense crying over split milk." I take that as saying, "get over it, there's nothing you can do about it." But there is, there always is something that can be done. You clean it up.
If you hurt someone and immediately afterward realize what you've done, do you feel remorse and appologize? Most of us do. There are those who would spill a four litre jug of milk and not give it a second thought. Those individuals really don't care about the feelings of others. The reason we cry, is because we have feelings, we want to clean up our mess, we don't want to just move on and forget about it. Sometimes though, we have to.
There will be people in your life who really don't care about you or your feelings, they will use you and when you've out lived your usefullness toss you aside like the empty jug you are. How you react is the clincer. Recently I helped a friend make sense of a situation that seemed hopeless, what we disertained from it was, do not respond, a reaction is what the offender is waiting for in order to enable further milk spilling. So just sit back relax and let them fizzle out. Then when the time is right pull out the paper towel and clean up the mess. You will have had a chance to assess the situation and will be able to make the apporpriate decissions in order to clean up the mess.
Sometimes inaction is the only action to take. Do not react, breath, sit and wait. See what comes of it. If it's a situation that requires a split decission then ok, but still take a moment to collect your thoughts and put evey thing in order. This is the best course of action you can possibly take.
Stay tuned for "No, This Is Not About YOU!"
Tammy.
A funny saying "There's no sense crying over spilt milk." It's true, what can you possibly do to un-spill it? Nothing. How does this relate to relationships?
Lets disect.
When you spill a glass of milk how do you react? Usually pissed off because of the mess you've made you now have to clean up. What if that mess isn't milk but a fight you've had with your spouse or children? Or maybe you've done something or said something to someone who really didn't deseve it and you see the mess you've made. Is it too late to cry over it? Not always, the question is, what are you going to do to fix it?
Does it need fixing? Is it fixable? Do you expect an appology from the milk for spilling in the first place? Who knocked it over? What are you willing to do to clean up the mess?
This was an expression Nanny would use if someone was feeling bad about something they had done but was out of their control to change. "There's no sense crying over split milk." I take that as saying, "get over it, there's nothing you can do about it." But there is, there always is something that can be done. You clean it up.
If you hurt someone and immediately afterward realize what you've done, do you feel remorse and appologize? Most of us do. There are those who would spill a four litre jug of milk and not give it a second thought. Those individuals really don't care about the feelings of others. The reason we cry, is because we have feelings, we want to clean up our mess, we don't want to just move on and forget about it. Sometimes though, we have to.
There will be people in your life who really don't care about you or your feelings, they will use you and when you've out lived your usefullness toss you aside like the empty jug you are. How you react is the clincer. Recently I helped a friend make sense of a situation that seemed hopeless, what we disertained from it was, do not respond, a reaction is what the offender is waiting for in order to enable further milk spilling. So just sit back relax and let them fizzle out. Then when the time is right pull out the paper towel and clean up the mess. You will have had a chance to assess the situation and will be able to make the apporpriate decissions in order to clean up the mess.
Sometimes inaction is the only action to take. Do not react, breath, sit and wait. See what comes of it. If it's a situation that requires a split decission then ok, but still take a moment to collect your thoughts and put evey thing in order. This is the best course of action you can possibly take.
Stay tuned for "No, This Is Not About YOU!"
Tammy.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Conflict Resolution and The Art Of War
If you haven't read Sun Tzu's The Art Of War, I highly recommend you do. here
It's not a how to kill your enemy guide it's a guide on how to know your enemy in order to get the better of them with out a battle. There are proven strategies that have worked for centuries. This is not a book to be taken lightly the information enclosed is invaluable.
Be very careful though that you don't absorb your enemy's negative energy. By enemy I mean anyone who does not have your best interest at heart. Lets face it, when someone is wanting something from you be it negative or positive, your decision to help is based largely on the effect it has on you either positively or negatively.
You don't have to always be the one giving. The takers of the world are very skilled at their craft and once the well has run dry on your farm, they will move on to some unsuspecting soul and suck them dry too.
Conflict will arise when you don't readily give in but give the impression that you might. You may falter in your answer, even a no with a pause in front may be taken as a maybe if they push hard enough. How to resolve this? Easy, be firm. Not so easy? Why not? Do you enjoy being taken advantage of? Do they hold some magical power over you? You know what? Yes sometimes they do. Take for example my friend, her daughter and her grandson. If she doesn't cater to her daughters demands she doesn't get to have a relationship with her grandson. Her daughter uses emotional black male to get what she wants out of her mother without concern to the damage she is doing to her son.
What to do in a situation like this? Wait. Eventually they will need a favour and forget all about the original fight (conveniently of course) let them come to you. In the case above, eventually the daughter will need someone to look after her son, and having no where else to turn will come slinking back with sugar coated words asking for this favour, but be certain that it will not be her idea but the grandson's, and while she would rather not have to ask, he's insisting. Oh, and there will be conditions, usually silly pointless conditions easily ignored once she's on her merry way.
So though this conflict wasn't necessarily resolved it was put aside and using the techniques in Art Of War Sun Tzu talks about the two methods of attack, direct and indirect and with that an endless series of maneuvers, which you choose is dependant on the circumstance that you are in. If you choose direct then you will be met directly, if you choose indirect, expect the same in return. The person who makes the first move dictates the response of the other.
If all else fails, avoidance works. That is if you really aren't interested in a battle. Sometimes we need a moment to collect our thoughts and avoidance may buy you some time. If the conflict still ensues then how you proceed will dictate the final outcome. Loosing you temper is a natural human response. Being able to control it is a skill and it's a hard one to learn. Emotions dictate the tone and temper of the conflict. It can be anything from an all out scream fest to a quiet barrage if insults and mud slinging. How you respond to any conflict will pre-determine the outcome.
If you feel a conflict arising ask yourself what you are willing to loose and gain? How will you conduct yourself and be proactive. If a conflict is inevitable take the lead. Own it, don't be blind sided by the opponents actions or comments, expect it. You know your opponent, and if you don't then don't get into it with them, walk away, there is no good to come of it, do not give energy to a fight you can not win.
I hope this helps, I know when I'm faced with having to deal with combative individuals I prepare myself for the worst but still hope for the best most peaceful outcome.
Up next, why we cry over spilt milk.
Tammy.
It's not a how to kill your enemy guide it's a guide on how to know your enemy in order to get the better of them with out a battle. There are proven strategies that have worked for centuries. This is not a book to be taken lightly the information enclosed is invaluable.
Be very careful though that you don't absorb your enemy's negative energy. By enemy I mean anyone who does not have your best interest at heart. Lets face it, when someone is wanting something from you be it negative or positive, your decision to help is based largely on the effect it has on you either positively or negatively.
You don't have to always be the one giving. The takers of the world are very skilled at their craft and once the well has run dry on your farm, they will move on to some unsuspecting soul and suck them dry too.
Conflict will arise when you don't readily give in but give the impression that you might. You may falter in your answer, even a no with a pause in front may be taken as a maybe if they push hard enough. How to resolve this? Easy, be firm. Not so easy? Why not? Do you enjoy being taken advantage of? Do they hold some magical power over you? You know what? Yes sometimes they do. Take for example my friend, her daughter and her grandson. If she doesn't cater to her daughters demands she doesn't get to have a relationship with her grandson. Her daughter uses emotional black male to get what she wants out of her mother without concern to the damage she is doing to her son.
What to do in a situation like this? Wait. Eventually they will need a favour and forget all about the original fight (conveniently of course) let them come to you. In the case above, eventually the daughter will need someone to look after her son, and having no where else to turn will come slinking back with sugar coated words asking for this favour, but be certain that it will not be her idea but the grandson's, and while she would rather not have to ask, he's insisting. Oh, and there will be conditions, usually silly pointless conditions easily ignored once she's on her merry way.
So though this conflict wasn't necessarily resolved it was put aside and using the techniques in Art Of War Sun Tzu talks about the two methods of attack, direct and indirect and with that an endless series of maneuvers, which you choose is dependant on the circumstance that you are in. If you choose direct then you will be met directly, if you choose indirect, expect the same in return. The person who makes the first move dictates the response of the other.
If all else fails, avoidance works. That is if you really aren't interested in a battle. Sometimes we need a moment to collect our thoughts and avoidance may buy you some time. If the conflict still ensues then how you proceed will dictate the final outcome. Loosing you temper is a natural human response. Being able to control it is a skill and it's a hard one to learn. Emotions dictate the tone and temper of the conflict. It can be anything from an all out scream fest to a quiet barrage if insults and mud slinging. How you respond to any conflict will pre-determine the outcome.
If you feel a conflict arising ask yourself what you are willing to loose and gain? How will you conduct yourself and be proactive. If a conflict is inevitable take the lead. Own it, don't be blind sided by the opponents actions or comments, expect it. You know your opponent, and if you don't then don't get into it with them, walk away, there is no good to come of it, do not give energy to a fight you can not win.
I hope this helps, I know when I'm faced with having to deal with combative individuals I prepare myself for the worst but still hope for the best most peaceful outcome.
Up next, why we cry over spilt milk.
Tammy.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
It's OK To Write A Letter.
I did, she was my Nanny. Her name, Captolia McKnight. I loved her dearly, I still do. Not a day passes without a thought or two of her, and it's with her in mind I started writing/blogging in the first place.
She loved words, loved to read, loved crossword puzzles, and if she had the opportunity she likely would have written a book or two herself. She always had a kind word for you and lots of "sayings".
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Oh, words to live by for certain but not as easy as it sounds.
I've made the mistake of saying nothing at all, and the issues escalated. It's hard to say something nice when what you are facing isn't nice at all. There is always a time and a place for every thing. Fighting in public is a really bad idea. Fighting in front of your kids even worse.
If you are faced with an unavoidable conflict, do it behind closed doors. If you can, step back for a moment and let the rage subside. We are all human, no one is exempt from feelings of anger towards another. It happens, there are situations and issues that build that eventually boil over and you find yourself hurling venom soaked words at the person you see as the perpetrator of you anger.
This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. You know as soon as you've uttered those words that "oops, that was a bad idea" or maybe it takes a day or two to realise what you've done. Too late though, you can't take it back. You can apologize, it's up to the other individual to forgive you, if that's what you want. You can't force forgiveness on someone, it's forGIVEness not forTAKEness.
On the flip side however, if you're not looking for forgiveness but an apology then you have to ask yourself, did I go about this the right way? Did I convey my concerns for the matter in such a way that the other person understood the impact their words or actions has had on me? Probably not. I say this because we are human, we are emotional beings and when emotions are high we are not necessarily in the right frame of mind to deal with problems.
However, it's not always easy to have a calm rational conversation about problems or issues that need to be resolved. There is no crystal ball to peer into to predict the other persons reaction. Even the calmest individual is capable of explosion. My advice, and what has worked for me in the past, write a letter. You are able to think clearly, you have the entire floor without interruption or topic change and you are able to proof read and edit. All things that are impossible during a confrontation.
Keep in mind you will eventually have to discuss your letter, but at least you've had a chance to put it all out there, every last drop. The person to whom the letter is addressed may decide to reply in writing as well, this is fine. Take what they say and really digest it before you reply. Don't try reading between the lines, most of the time people will pour their hearts out unabashedly in writing rather than try to play games.
There are those individuals who do play games. Be aware, these same people would rather engage in a verbal debate as this is their area of expertise, and likely the source of your reluctance to participate in a verbal confrontation, you've lost before you've even started. If you initialize with a letter, and they want to respond verbally, make sure you have a copy handy and they only address the points in your letter. Should they dredge up old news, cut them off and get them back on track, this is where remaining calm is your best option. Use your letter as a shield.
Another fun saying of Nanny's, "Never go to bed angry." Ever try that? Going to bed angry at your partner or kids or whomever? Not easy is it, lying there stewing and formulating your verbal assault til about oh, three in the morning? Not fun is it? Don't worry, unless the other half of the argument is oblivious to your frustration, they are likely doing the same.
This will inevitably result in a three a.m. tearful conversation (if it's with your partner of spouse) and maybe even make-up sex if you feel you've been heard and understood. If not you will wake up (after eventually falling asleep) to an undeniable chill in the air. This can only go on for so long so you better do one of two things, deal with it or drop it.
Next up in Spilt Milk, Conflict Resolution and The Art of War.
Tammy.
This Sums It Up Beautifully
The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Resurrection
I had put this blog to rest because I wasn't sure where I was going with it. Last night it hit me and so here we are resurrected.
I have a purpose in this life, I know what it is but I can't quite bring it to fruition. If I were native and the year was 1818 I would be in training as a Shaman or Wise One. (Not that I think I'm wise now, that's what I would be training for).
People come to me for help. My best friend, my ex-husband, an ex-co-worker, my family. All looking for advice or just a sympathetic ear. I don't claim to be able to "fix" their problems I just have a knack for being able to assess and offer possible scenarios for them to follow to find their own "fix". This is why I'm here. I'm a healer of sorts. I'm not perfect however, believe me I know this first hand. I have many faults and I've made my share of mistakes. It's what I take from these lessons that enables me to know "just what to say" (as I've been told) and when to say it.
My intent with this blog is to impart the vast wisdom I have gained on my personal journey. Some of it you will recognize from previous blogs but I'm hoping most of it will be fresh. And by vast wisdom, I probably mean pointless rambling, but that's subjective and I'll let you decide.
Welcome to "Spilt Milk" may you find the answer you are searching for.
Tammy.
I have a purpose in this life, I know what it is but I can't quite bring it to fruition. If I were native and the year was 1818 I would be in training as a Shaman or Wise One. (Not that I think I'm wise now, that's what I would be training for).
People come to me for help. My best friend, my ex-husband, an ex-co-worker, my family. All looking for advice or just a sympathetic ear. I don't claim to be able to "fix" their problems I just have a knack for being able to assess and offer possible scenarios for them to follow to find their own "fix". This is why I'm here. I'm a healer of sorts. I'm not perfect however, believe me I know this first hand. I have many faults and I've made my share of mistakes. It's what I take from these lessons that enables me to know "just what to say" (as I've been told) and when to say it.
My intent with this blog is to impart the vast wisdom I have gained on my personal journey. Some of it you will recognize from previous blogs but I'm hoping most of it will be fresh. And by vast wisdom, I probably mean pointless rambling, but that's subjective and I'll let you decide.
Welcome to "Spilt Milk" may you find the answer you are searching for.
Tammy.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Catalyst
Once upon a time there was a young girl who never quite felt at home in her own skin...
Sound familiar?
For so many I'm sure it does, but why?
After some fifty years I'm finally comfortable. I've done a lot of work to get here, to this point in my life, that I can reasonably say that. This blog will explore how I arrived at this point and maybe help you feel a little more at home in your own skin.
The funny thing about self discovery is all the wrong turns and false starts. I have had my share of them and even now though I am comfortable with what I know it can change in the blink of an eye. It's almost liquid moving and flowing like water, changing direction and carving new paths. Some barely noticeable some as deep as the Grand Canyon. Embrace the change and flow with it. You can go mental fighting it.
I was for all intents and purposes I was raised Catholic. I attended Mass with my mom and my Nanny and Grandpa McKnight. I wasn't baptised Catholic until I was in if memory serves grade seven. I was old enough to make the decision myself but more so I made it because it's what I felt would make my grand parents and mom happy. My dad was "non-religious" for the most part. He was Anglican but really didn't subscribe to any particular religious belief, unless of course it meant the opportunity to debate the bible with Nanny McKnight.
Needless to say it was my choice and to this day I am still happy with it. I don't attend church, my beliefs have evolved and my views of what is preached would probably tick off the clergy so I stay away and keep my mouth shut. Well most of the time. I have voiced my opinion in debate with those who try to convert me or have me conform to their ideal. I will not be swayed, I do not take my beliefs lightly nor do I force them down others throats. Each to his/her own I say and leave it at that.
If I didn't know then what I know now I would say my grandmother is flipping in her grave with what I'm writing. But with my many years of experience I can honestly say that I know unequivocally that my grandparents are fine with my beliefs, beliefs that began their transformation the day my grandmother died.
It was September 2, 1990, three months before my 24th birthday. I was at my first husbands house, we were just dating at the time when I got the phone call at around 6:30am it was a Sunday. My dad was on the other end and I knew right away something was very wrong. My dad never called, it was always mom. All he said, all he could manage to choke out, two words I will never forget..."Nanny's gone." I can hear his strained voice now as I type this and it stirs the same sorrow I have felt over the years when I think about her.
I instantly went into shock, became very cold and detached. I did not break down, that would come the next day. I took down my mom and uncles flight information. I was living in Toronto at the time and my grandparents had moved to Trenton only eight months prior to live with my Auntie Carol and Uncle Bob. The drive from Toronto to Trenton usually took about an hour and a half depending on traffic. I got there in forty five minutes but don't recall the drive. I had to be doing at least 140km/hr normally my mom would have been freaking out over the speed but she didn't say a word the entire drive.
It was when I saw my grandpa that's when it hit and the tears flowed and didn't stop for a really really long time, years even. The magnitude of our loss was reflected in his eyes. She was his world his life partner the love of his life, the mother of his children, his best friend and she was gone. In three sharp gasps she vanished. Or that's what we perceived. She's still very present, in our hearts and thoughts. She's whispering in our ear and gently guiding us from beyond.
I believe that when we are done here we return "home" call it what you will but earth is a giant class room and we are here to learn life's lessons so that when we return home we can use what we've learned to help others. So with my grandmothers death she returned home but has remained present in her family's lives for the past almost twenty nine years.
A little side story that confirms her presence. When my daughter was around two she was singing Ba Ba Black Sheep. I didn't recall teaching her the song so I asked if she learned it at daycare. She replied, "No, the lady sings it to me in my room." Of course alarmed I asked, "what lady? What's her name?" her reply almost caused me to drop her. She paused and thought for a moment and said, "Sounds like happy." Well, if you read my first entry you will know that my grandmothers nickname was Cappy. I still get goose bumps thinking about this. My niece Justine who was born a year after my grandmothers death had a very long relationship with my grandmother and would talk to her and see her on a regular basis.
So to those who say there is no life after death, I disagree. I've had several conversations with both my grandparents since their deaths. In fact they leave dimes around the house, and not just for me but other members of their family. In fact these dimes will seemingly appear out of thin air, you can literally be looking at, lets say, a table top one moment turn you head and turn back and bam, there it is. The game now is, if it's heads (the Queen) it's Nanny tails (the Bluenose) Grandpa. I always say hi and thanks.
All that being said I have worked long and hard to arrive at this point and my journey was, well, interesting to say the least. Each subsequent blog will detail those experiences, accomplishments and setbacks. My spiritual journey began when I was a child was derailed when I was twenty three and rediscovered after the birth of my daughter six years later. That's where I'll start. The time in between were the lost years, the failed marriages, the discovery of who I thought was my soul mate and several failed attempts at bettering my life and myself. This was a period that I could sit and wallow in but I choose not to, it lead me slowly to my starting point and I will only give it credit for that.
T :)
Sound familiar?
For so many I'm sure it does, but why?
After some fifty years I'm finally comfortable. I've done a lot of work to get here, to this point in my life, that I can reasonably say that. This blog will explore how I arrived at this point and maybe help you feel a little more at home in your own skin.
The funny thing about self discovery is all the wrong turns and false starts. I have had my share of them and even now though I am comfortable with what I know it can change in the blink of an eye. It's almost liquid moving and flowing like water, changing direction and carving new paths. Some barely noticeable some as deep as the Grand Canyon. Embrace the change and flow with it. You can go mental fighting it.
I was for all intents and purposes I was raised Catholic. I attended Mass with my mom and my Nanny and Grandpa McKnight. I wasn't baptised Catholic until I was in if memory serves grade seven. I was old enough to make the decision myself but more so I made it because it's what I felt would make my grand parents and mom happy. My dad was "non-religious" for the most part. He was Anglican but really didn't subscribe to any particular religious belief, unless of course it meant the opportunity to debate the bible with Nanny McKnight.
Needless to say it was my choice and to this day I am still happy with it. I don't attend church, my beliefs have evolved and my views of what is preached would probably tick off the clergy so I stay away and keep my mouth shut. Well most of the time. I have voiced my opinion in debate with those who try to convert me or have me conform to their ideal. I will not be swayed, I do not take my beliefs lightly nor do I force them down others throats. Each to his/her own I say and leave it at that.
If I didn't know then what I know now I would say my grandmother is flipping in her grave with what I'm writing. But with my many years of experience I can honestly say that I know unequivocally that my grandparents are fine with my beliefs, beliefs that began their transformation the day my grandmother died.
It was September 2, 1990, three months before my 24th birthday. I was at my first husbands house, we were just dating at the time when I got the phone call at around 6:30am it was a Sunday. My dad was on the other end and I knew right away something was very wrong. My dad never called, it was always mom. All he said, all he could manage to choke out, two words I will never forget..."Nanny's gone." I can hear his strained voice now as I type this and it stirs the same sorrow I have felt over the years when I think about her.
I instantly went into shock, became very cold and detached. I did not break down, that would come the next day. I took down my mom and uncles flight information. I was living in Toronto at the time and my grandparents had moved to Trenton only eight months prior to live with my Auntie Carol and Uncle Bob. The drive from Toronto to Trenton usually took about an hour and a half depending on traffic. I got there in forty five minutes but don't recall the drive. I had to be doing at least 140km/hr normally my mom would have been freaking out over the speed but she didn't say a word the entire drive.
It was when I saw my grandpa that's when it hit and the tears flowed and didn't stop for a really really long time, years even. The magnitude of our loss was reflected in his eyes. She was his world his life partner the love of his life, the mother of his children, his best friend and she was gone. In three sharp gasps she vanished. Or that's what we perceived. She's still very present, in our hearts and thoughts. She's whispering in our ear and gently guiding us from beyond.
I believe that when we are done here we return "home" call it what you will but earth is a giant class room and we are here to learn life's lessons so that when we return home we can use what we've learned to help others. So with my grandmothers death she returned home but has remained present in her family's lives for the past almost twenty nine years.
A little side story that confirms her presence. When my daughter was around two she was singing Ba Ba Black Sheep. I didn't recall teaching her the song so I asked if she learned it at daycare. She replied, "No, the lady sings it to me in my room." Of course alarmed I asked, "what lady? What's her name?" her reply almost caused me to drop her. She paused and thought for a moment and said, "Sounds like happy." Well, if you read my first entry you will know that my grandmothers nickname was Cappy. I still get goose bumps thinking about this. My niece Justine who was born a year after my grandmothers death had a very long relationship with my grandmother and would talk to her and see her on a regular basis.
So to those who say there is no life after death, I disagree. I've had several conversations with both my grandparents since their deaths. In fact they leave dimes around the house, and not just for me but other members of their family. In fact these dimes will seemingly appear out of thin air, you can literally be looking at, lets say, a table top one moment turn you head and turn back and bam, there it is. The game now is, if it's heads (the Queen) it's Nanny tails (the Bluenose) Grandpa. I always say hi and thanks.
All that being said I have worked long and hard to arrive at this point and my journey was, well, interesting to say the least. Each subsequent blog will detail those experiences, accomplishments and setbacks. My spiritual journey began when I was a child was derailed when I was twenty three and rediscovered after the birth of my daughter six years later. That's where I'll start. The time in between were the lost years, the failed marriages, the discovery of who I thought was my soul mate and several failed attempts at bettering my life and myself. This was a period that I could sit and wallow in but I choose not to, it lead me slowly to my starting point and I will only give it credit for that.
T :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Allow Me To Introduce Myself
The name I was given at birth is Tammy Lyn Monahan (Troughton is my ex-husbands name). My parents thought they were being clever by dropping one of the n's in my middle name. The funny thing is I always spelt it with two n's it was like that on my drivers license up until about 2003 when I discovered or rather it was pointed out that it didn't match my birth certificate.
I was born in Montreal Quebec, I'm not french, December 9th 1967 four weeks early. My mom hemorrhaged in the middle of the night and was rushed to the hospital from her home in Two Mountains to St. Mary's Hospital in Montreal. Every year on my birthday my mom recounts my traumatic birth. How the doctors assuming I was dead, told my dad and grandparents that they were just working to save my mom. Boy did they get a shock when I came out screaming! I was meant to be and because of the circumstance of my birth I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I have one sibling, a sister her name is Leigh-Ann, again my parents and their creativity. We are nothing alike, she's three and a half years younger and takes after my dad's side of the family. Or at least that's what we initially thought because of her naturally dark skin and general looks. What I mean when I say initially is... My sister went to the dentist, this dentist was an elementary school friend of hers and when he started his exam commented that he didn't know there was African in her family. Her surprised reply was, "There's not, why would you think that?" he went on to explain that she has purple gums a common trait in Africans. So where did this come from? We knew little about my paternal grandmothers family. Her dad died when she was four and because of hard times was sent to live with her aunt.
After some questioning of cousins we discovered that my grandmothers oldest sister had beaded hair, meaning there were little beads along the strands of each hair, another African trait, or trait of someone with wiry curly hair. This was starting to make sense. My grandmother had naturally wavy thick black hair, her brother had basically an Afro and their parents were American from North Dakota. Her mother, my great grandmother had an intense hatred of African Americans and this may explain why. Her ancestor's were from Spain and quite possibly there was a mixed relationship there, or at the very least the offspring of a mixed relationship. Either way, my sisters dark skin, rounded nose, purple gums and beaded hair are inherited from my mom's side of the family.
When people ask me what nationality I am of course I say proudly I am Canadian, my ancestry is Irish and Spanish, mostly Irish, maybe some Scottish and Native thrown in for good measure but mostly Irish and I'm proud of that too. One day I will research my grandmothers family tree just to find out were the African came in.
In 1974 my parents packed up and left their little town in Quebec for an even littler town in British Columbia, Quesnel, ever heard of it? Well this tiny mill town is about 660km north of Vancouver. The main industry logging. My dad and his brother arrived in Quesnel first and landed jobs at a newly opened pulp and paper mill from which both have retired. My mom, sister, aunt, three cousins and me arrived a few months later by train. A four day ride I will likely never forget. In fact I even remember our porter, as slight African Canadian gentleman by the name of George. I remember he was nice to us kids and we were a handful being cooped up like that for so long. Well for kids it was long.
I remember my youngest cousin on the trip Ronnie (Ron now that he's an adult) swallowing a ice cube whole at dinner or maybe lunch, and him crying because it hurt so much, he was three. I remember wearing the little 45 vinyl records on our ears pretending to be Mickey Mouse. I remember staring out the window at the prairies and marveling at how flat the land was. I don't recall our arrival in Quesnel but that's ok I lived there twelve years, about twelve years too long.
I'm not complaining I just wonder, had my parents settled in Vancouver how different my life might have turned out. But it wasn't my decision to make and I have to be thankful for the childhood I had. Parents make decisions that affect their children all the time, that's kind of their job and as kids it is our job to respect and accept these decisions even if we don't understand them. It's easy for me to look back now and make such a comment but honestly it wasn't a bad place to grow up. It just didn't offer the opportunities a big city does.
A year after we arrived in Quesnel my mom's parents, Frank and Captolia (Cappy) McKnight, moved from Quebec to join us. My grandfather had worked as an Aeronautical Engineer for Canadair for thirty years and was laid off when they sold to Bombardier. At that time the economy in BC was booming so they packed up and moved. Part of the reason Quesnel was the final destination was my grandmothers youngest sister Violet (Vi) lived there with her family. In fact we moved into the same trailer park they lived in and owned the general store in. Big Country Trailer Park. It's pretty much gone now, well kind of. It's still a trailer park but now it's mostly pre-fab homes, much nicer. So yes, I lived in a trailer park for a short while. So did a lot of people back then. I wouldn't categorize myself as "Trailer Trash" though. That's an unfair stereotype.
My parents were young when my sister and I were born. My mom (Wendy) was nineteen my dad (Robert - Bob) twenty three when I was born. I always thought this a good thing when I was young. I had the youngest parents amongst my friends I thought it was cool and so did they. Thinking back now though it must have been tough for them missing out on their twenties to raise two girls one of which was ADHD with learning differences (my sister not me) I 'lived' my twenties opting to have my kids later, I was 29 when my daughter Veronica was born and three months from 31 when my son Declan was born. I'm glad I waited.
As I was saying, we moved to Quesnel when I was six, I grew up there and at the ripe old age of 18 left for Toronto three days after graduating high school. Crazy yup, but I was convinced I knew what I was doing. I moved there at the prompting of my then single Auntie Carol, my mom's older sister. She thought it would be a great opportunity for me and it was only supposed to be for a year, I was there almost six years returning to BC in 1992. My boyfriend at the time, Robb, moved to Toronto with me. We both got jobs and three months later my Aunt moved to Trenton Ontario to live with the widowed man she had met that May. My uncle Bob, they got married the following May and are still in that tiny eastern Ontario town in the same house as when they first were together.
So now Robb and I are on our own. We're 18 and 19 and knew everything, boy were we wrong! We lived together in my aunts apartment for two years, we had inherited all her furniture and the one bedroom North York apartment where the rent was a mere $375.00 a month! Unheard of in Toronto. When that particular relationship ended I kept the apartment, after all she was my aunt. It was not a pretty break up. I did a bad bad thing and was seeing someone else before actually ending it. I got caught. I deserved it though I should have been up front and ended it when I found out that he had cheated on me then had the nerve to tell me he didn't trust me. Ironic really. Needless to say, to this day we are still on speaking terms so it's all water under the bridge, young and stupid right?
In fact with the exception of my first husband I'm still friends with all my ex's, Robb, Mark, Mike. Phil, I don't need to be friends with. That marriage lasted two years and when it ended I drove him to sky train, went and picked up the moving van, packed up my belongings and left him a dear John letter. Throw me against the wall will you? Well, the one thing I won't tolerate is physical abuse. Mental on the other hand apparently I do tolerate. My thirteen year relationship with my second husband, Mike, the father of my two children was exactly that. Oh, he would claim differently but anyone who knows him knows what he's really like. They either accept him or have nothing to do with him if they can help it.
I'm a little bitter about that one yes, but it was definitely the one relationship that encouraged me to self assess and to pursue my spiritual journey which I will explore in subsequent blogs but I feel if you know who I am, if I lay it all out, open my closet and let out the skeletons you will have a better understanding of what I've experienced in my pursuit of all things spiritual.
Needless to say, from this relationship I have my beautiful children, well not such children any more Veronica will be 14 in March and Declan 13 in September. My how the time flies. I remember their births like it was yesterday. A happier day. My introvert (Veronica) and my extrovert (Declan) so very different, polar opposites.
Veronica is exceptional her brains surpassed only by her beauty a beauty only recently realised with her signing with a modeling agency this past November. She's set to do well at 5'10" and 14yrs old, by the time she's ready for Europe she should be close if not 6' tall, and her look "matured" to what the industry demands. She's starting high school next year and is contemplating attending Port Moody Secondary because they offer the International Baccalaureate program. This is a program for honour students where grade twelve is the equivalent to first year university and actually counts as university credit. She wants to be a doctor and I honestly think she will be. She may be an introvert but she's determined and very strong willed.
Declan is exceptional in his own way, he's charming and funny but sadly challenged. They have found that ADHD is a hereditary trait, well having a sister who's ADHD this should come as no surprise that my son is too, along with learning challenges and the possibility of Autism looming over head his academic life is a struggle. He's a handsome boy though, with gorgeous blue/green eyes framed with dark eyelashes he's gonna break hearts when he hits high school. He loves to cook so his dad and I are hoping he follows that career path, he wants to be a police officer in the K9 unit. Why K9? So he can have his own dog. I tried to explain that he doesn't need to be a cop to have a dog. When he's an adult he can have as many dogs as he wants. He doesn't get that.
My kids are a very important part of my life. My decisions are based on how it may or may not affect them, well most of my decisions. I do make some without that consideration. They are my priority, but I'm my priority too and sometimes I get selfish.
My current relationship is definitely the easiest I've encountered. You know the expression opposites attract? Well that's only true for magnets. Mike and I were complete opposites he was the extrovert I the introvert. The attraction was very strong for me, I can't speak for him though considering how we ended. We were far too opposite right down to our parenting style which caused a fair number of fights between us. My current partner Lars and I are so alike it's scary. We are both introverts him not as much as me. We are both Sagittarius which in my opinion is fantastic because he understands me at a level only another Sage is capable of. And we were married to the same person. Not literally of course.
Our ex's draw astonishing similarity in personality and forced tolerance towards their respective ex spouses. Interesting how two people can fall in love, get married have children then hate each other so much that they can barely tolerate being in the same room. Mike and I are on relatively good terms, we speak almost daily but it's usually geared around the kids. Some times personal topics arise and never ever do we discuss what happened between us. We have very differing opinions on that so we just leave well enough alone. Don't get me wrong though we have discussed it and it has ended in a screaming match so rather than endure that again we buried it.
Lars and his ex-wife from what I can surmise have never had a "why?" discussion and they probably never will. Although it devastated him when she ended their marriage. He sees now that it was ultimately the best for him. Maybe not for his kids but for him. I too feel it was the best for me to leave Mike but also best for our kids. They were growing up in a home where treating your spouse like crap was becoming the norm and I couldn't have them learning that. So as it is, the way it is now my kids are far happier I'm sure they still wish for their parents to be together but I know deep down that I can never trust Mike again. He has not and will not change he just plays his game then BAM! his true colours shine though.
As for Lars and his ex, I think they could have salvaged their relationship if they had both been willing to try. Their biggest problem was communication, they didn't have the all out wars that Mike and I had they just didn't agree and were both too stubborn to compromise. Lars has told me that he worshiped her, that he would have done anything for her but his absolute best was never enough for her. Damn I wish Mike had felt that way about me. At best I was an annoyance he had to live with, like a wart in an uncomfortable spot. I never felt loved by Mike, and after a while I gave up trying to make him love me. Like leading a horse to water right?
Now that I am with Lars I can appreciate what it's like to have someone who truly loves you and would do anything for you albeit guardedly he has become somewhat jaded but he tries. Pretty much everything I ask for I get and he really doesn't ask for much in return or expect anything in return. The sad part of our relationship, the part I would change if I could is his cynicism. His "I don't give a crap what anyone thinks" attitude, anyone including me but excluding his ex-wife. That's the part that hurts because I know that it's that attitude that will eventually kill our relationship.
We started out enduring a lot of unfortunate circumstances that may be common in blended family situations but certainly unexpected on my part. I have a tendency to see the world through rose coloured glasses, well they were slapped from my face early on in our relationship but we've managed to keep it together. There were some very close calls but we worked through them and are starting our fourth year together. How long it lasts is any ones guess but for now we're strong and happy and that's all I can ask.
So this is me in a nut shell, a little history and insight into who I am, where I'm at and a reference point for the blogs to come. My intent for this blog is to be open and candid about my spiritual journey and all that you've just read is key to that journey. I'm going to be very diplomatic about what I say about others. I do have very set strong opinions that are better kept to myself but for the sake of my authenticity you need to know that I have very little tolerance to bullies, and I don't mean the kind in school I mean any kind of individual who feels entitled to demean or berate another soul on this planet in order to elevate their selfish ego.
Shall we begin?
T:)
I was born in Montreal Quebec, I'm not french, December 9th 1967 four weeks early. My mom hemorrhaged in the middle of the night and was rushed to the hospital from her home in Two Mountains to St. Mary's Hospital in Montreal. Every year on my birthday my mom recounts my traumatic birth. How the doctors assuming I was dead, told my dad and grandparents that they were just working to save my mom. Boy did they get a shock when I came out screaming! I was meant to be and because of the circumstance of my birth I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I have one sibling, a sister her name is Leigh-Ann, again my parents and their creativity. We are nothing alike, she's three and a half years younger and takes after my dad's side of the family. Or at least that's what we initially thought because of her naturally dark skin and general looks. What I mean when I say initially is... My sister went to the dentist, this dentist was an elementary school friend of hers and when he started his exam commented that he didn't know there was African in her family. Her surprised reply was, "There's not, why would you think that?" he went on to explain that she has purple gums a common trait in Africans. So where did this come from? We knew little about my paternal grandmothers family. Her dad died when she was four and because of hard times was sent to live with her aunt.
After some questioning of cousins we discovered that my grandmothers oldest sister had beaded hair, meaning there were little beads along the strands of each hair, another African trait, or trait of someone with wiry curly hair. This was starting to make sense. My grandmother had naturally wavy thick black hair, her brother had basically an Afro and their parents were American from North Dakota. Her mother, my great grandmother had an intense hatred of African Americans and this may explain why. Her ancestor's were from Spain and quite possibly there was a mixed relationship there, or at the very least the offspring of a mixed relationship. Either way, my sisters dark skin, rounded nose, purple gums and beaded hair are inherited from my mom's side of the family.
When people ask me what nationality I am of course I say proudly I am Canadian, my ancestry is Irish and Spanish, mostly Irish, maybe some Scottish and Native thrown in for good measure but mostly Irish and I'm proud of that too. One day I will research my grandmothers family tree just to find out were the African came in.
In 1974 my parents packed up and left their little town in Quebec for an even littler town in British Columbia, Quesnel, ever heard of it? Well this tiny mill town is about 660km north of Vancouver. The main industry logging. My dad and his brother arrived in Quesnel first and landed jobs at a newly opened pulp and paper mill from which both have retired. My mom, sister, aunt, three cousins and me arrived a few months later by train. A four day ride I will likely never forget. In fact I even remember our porter, as slight African Canadian gentleman by the name of George. I remember he was nice to us kids and we were a handful being cooped up like that for so long. Well for kids it was long.
I remember my youngest cousin on the trip Ronnie (Ron now that he's an adult) swallowing a ice cube whole at dinner or maybe lunch, and him crying because it hurt so much, he was three. I remember wearing the little 45 vinyl records on our ears pretending to be Mickey Mouse. I remember staring out the window at the prairies and marveling at how flat the land was. I don't recall our arrival in Quesnel but that's ok I lived there twelve years, about twelve years too long.
I'm not complaining I just wonder, had my parents settled in Vancouver how different my life might have turned out. But it wasn't my decision to make and I have to be thankful for the childhood I had. Parents make decisions that affect their children all the time, that's kind of their job and as kids it is our job to respect and accept these decisions even if we don't understand them. It's easy for me to look back now and make such a comment but honestly it wasn't a bad place to grow up. It just didn't offer the opportunities a big city does.
A year after we arrived in Quesnel my mom's parents, Frank and Captolia (Cappy) McKnight, moved from Quebec to join us. My grandfather had worked as an Aeronautical Engineer for Canadair for thirty years and was laid off when they sold to Bombardier. At that time the economy in BC was booming so they packed up and moved. Part of the reason Quesnel was the final destination was my grandmothers youngest sister Violet (Vi) lived there with her family. In fact we moved into the same trailer park they lived in and owned the general store in. Big Country Trailer Park. It's pretty much gone now, well kind of. It's still a trailer park but now it's mostly pre-fab homes, much nicer. So yes, I lived in a trailer park for a short while. So did a lot of people back then. I wouldn't categorize myself as "Trailer Trash" though. That's an unfair stereotype.
My parents were young when my sister and I were born. My mom (Wendy) was nineteen my dad (Robert - Bob) twenty three when I was born. I always thought this a good thing when I was young. I had the youngest parents amongst my friends I thought it was cool and so did they. Thinking back now though it must have been tough for them missing out on their twenties to raise two girls one of which was ADHD with learning differences (my sister not me) I 'lived' my twenties opting to have my kids later, I was 29 when my daughter Veronica was born and three months from 31 when my son Declan was born. I'm glad I waited.
As I was saying, we moved to Quesnel when I was six, I grew up there and at the ripe old age of 18 left for Toronto three days after graduating high school. Crazy yup, but I was convinced I knew what I was doing. I moved there at the prompting of my then single Auntie Carol, my mom's older sister. She thought it would be a great opportunity for me and it was only supposed to be for a year, I was there almost six years returning to BC in 1992. My boyfriend at the time, Robb, moved to Toronto with me. We both got jobs and three months later my Aunt moved to Trenton Ontario to live with the widowed man she had met that May. My uncle Bob, they got married the following May and are still in that tiny eastern Ontario town in the same house as when they first were together.
So now Robb and I are on our own. We're 18 and 19 and knew everything, boy were we wrong! We lived together in my aunts apartment for two years, we had inherited all her furniture and the one bedroom North York apartment where the rent was a mere $375.00 a month! Unheard of in Toronto. When that particular relationship ended I kept the apartment, after all she was my aunt. It was not a pretty break up. I did a bad bad thing and was seeing someone else before actually ending it. I got caught. I deserved it though I should have been up front and ended it when I found out that he had cheated on me then had the nerve to tell me he didn't trust me. Ironic really. Needless to say, to this day we are still on speaking terms so it's all water under the bridge, young and stupid right?
In fact with the exception of my first husband I'm still friends with all my ex's, Robb, Mark, Mike. Phil, I don't need to be friends with. That marriage lasted two years and when it ended I drove him to sky train, went and picked up the moving van, packed up my belongings and left him a dear John letter. Throw me against the wall will you? Well, the one thing I won't tolerate is physical abuse. Mental on the other hand apparently I do tolerate. My thirteen year relationship with my second husband, Mike, the father of my two children was exactly that. Oh, he would claim differently but anyone who knows him knows what he's really like. They either accept him or have nothing to do with him if they can help it.
I'm a little bitter about that one yes, but it was definitely the one relationship that encouraged me to self assess and to pursue my spiritual journey which I will explore in subsequent blogs but I feel if you know who I am, if I lay it all out, open my closet and let out the skeletons you will have a better understanding of what I've experienced in my pursuit of all things spiritual.
Needless to say, from this relationship I have my beautiful children, well not such children any more Veronica will be 14 in March and Declan 13 in September. My how the time flies. I remember their births like it was yesterday. A happier day. My introvert (Veronica) and my extrovert (Declan) so very different, polar opposites.
Veronica is exceptional her brains surpassed only by her beauty a beauty only recently realised with her signing with a modeling agency this past November. She's set to do well at 5'10" and 14yrs old, by the time she's ready for Europe she should be close if not 6' tall, and her look "matured" to what the industry demands. She's starting high school next year and is contemplating attending Port Moody Secondary because they offer the International Baccalaureate program. This is a program for honour students where grade twelve is the equivalent to first year university and actually counts as university credit. She wants to be a doctor and I honestly think she will be. She may be an introvert but she's determined and very strong willed.
Declan is exceptional in his own way, he's charming and funny but sadly challenged. They have found that ADHD is a hereditary trait, well having a sister who's ADHD this should come as no surprise that my son is too, along with learning challenges and the possibility of Autism looming over head his academic life is a struggle. He's a handsome boy though, with gorgeous blue/green eyes framed with dark eyelashes he's gonna break hearts when he hits high school. He loves to cook so his dad and I are hoping he follows that career path, he wants to be a police officer in the K9 unit. Why K9? So he can have his own dog. I tried to explain that he doesn't need to be a cop to have a dog. When he's an adult he can have as many dogs as he wants. He doesn't get that.
My kids are a very important part of my life. My decisions are based on how it may or may not affect them, well most of my decisions. I do make some without that consideration. They are my priority, but I'm my priority too and sometimes I get selfish.
My current relationship is definitely the easiest I've encountered. You know the expression opposites attract? Well that's only true for magnets. Mike and I were complete opposites he was the extrovert I the introvert. The attraction was very strong for me, I can't speak for him though considering how we ended. We were far too opposite right down to our parenting style which caused a fair number of fights between us. My current partner Lars and I are so alike it's scary. We are both introverts him not as much as me. We are both Sagittarius which in my opinion is fantastic because he understands me at a level only another Sage is capable of. And we were married to the same person. Not literally of course.
Our ex's draw astonishing similarity in personality and forced tolerance towards their respective ex spouses. Interesting how two people can fall in love, get married have children then hate each other so much that they can barely tolerate being in the same room. Mike and I are on relatively good terms, we speak almost daily but it's usually geared around the kids. Some times personal topics arise and never ever do we discuss what happened between us. We have very differing opinions on that so we just leave well enough alone. Don't get me wrong though we have discussed it and it has ended in a screaming match so rather than endure that again we buried it.
Lars and his ex-wife from what I can surmise have never had a "why?" discussion and they probably never will. Although it devastated him when she ended their marriage. He sees now that it was ultimately the best for him. Maybe not for his kids but for him. I too feel it was the best for me to leave Mike but also best for our kids. They were growing up in a home where treating your spouse like crap was becoming the norm and I couldn't have them learning that. So as it is, the way it is now my kids are far happier I'm sure they still wish for their parents to be together but I know deep down that I can never trust Mike again. He has not and will not change he just plays his game then BAM! his true colours shine though.
As for Lars and his ex, I think they could have salvaged their relationship if they had both been willing to try. Their biggest problem was communication, they didn't have the all out wars that Mike and I had they just didn't agree and were both too stubborn to compromise. Lars has told me that he worshiped her, that he would have done anything for her but his absolute best was never enough for her. Damn I wish Mike had felt that way about me. At best I was an annoyance he had to live with, like a wart in an uncomfortable spot. I never felt loved by Mike, and after a while I gave up trying to make him love me. Like leading a horse to water right?
Now that I am with Lars I can appreciate what it's like to have someone who truly loves you and would do anything for you albeit guardedly he has become somewhat jaded but he tries. Pretty much everything I ask for I get and he really doesn't ask for much in return or expect anything in return. The sad part of our relationship, the part I would change if I could is his cynicism. His "I don't give a crap what anyone thinks" attitude, anyone including me but excluding his ex-wife. That's the part that hurts because I know that it's that attitude that will eventually kill our relationship.
We started out enduring a lot of unfortunate circumstances that may be common in blended family situations but certainly unexpected on my part. I have a tendency to see the world through rose coloured glasses, well they were slapped from my face early on in our relationship but we've managed to keep it together. There were some very close calls but we worked through them and are starting our fourth year together. How long it lasts is any ones guess but for now we're strong and happy and that's all I can ask.
So this is me in a nut shell, a little history and insight into who I am, where I'm at and a reference point for the blogs to come. My intent for this blog is to be open and candid about my spiritual journey and all that you've just read is key to that journey. I'm going to be very diplomatic about what I say about others. I do have very set strong opinions that are better kept to myself but for the sake of my authenticity you need to know that I have very little tolerance to bullies, and I don't mean the kind in school I mean any kind of individual who feels entitled to demean or berate another soul on this planet in order to elevate their selfish ego.
Shall we begin?
T:)
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