It's OK To Write A Letter.

Ever have that one person in your life you could rely on for awesome advice? Someone who didn't judge you or charge you money to sit and listen to you for an hour without really offering any sage advice?

I did, she was my Nanny. Her name, Captolia McKnight. I loved her dearly, I still do. Not a day passes without a thought or two of her, and it's with her in mind I started writing/blogging in the first place.

She loved words, loved to read, loved crossword puzzles, and if she had the opportunity she likely would have written a book or two herself. She always had a kind word for you and lots of "sayings".

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Oh, words to live by for certain but not as easy as it sounds.

I've made the mistake of saying nothing at all, and the issues escalated. It's hard to say something nice when what you are facing isn't nice at all. There is always a time and a place for every thing. Fighting in public is a really bad idea. Fighting in front of your kids even worse.

If you are faced with an unavoidable conflict, do it behind closed doors. If you can, step back for a moment and let the rage subside. We are all human, no one is exempt from feelings of anger towards another. It happens, there are situations and issues that build that eventually boil over and you find yourself hurling venom soaked words at the person you see as the perpetrator of you anger.

This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. You know as soon as you've uttered those words that "oops, that was a bad idea" or maybe it takes a day or two to realise what you've done. Too late though, you can't take it back. You can apologize, it's up to the other individual to forgive you, if that's what you want. You can't force forgiveness on someone, it's forGIVEness not forTAKEness.

On the flip side however, if you're not looking for forgiveness but an apology then you have to ask yourself, did I go about this the right way? Did I convey my concerns for the matter in such a way that the other person understood the impact their words or actions has had on me? Probably not. I say this because we are human, we are emotional beings and when emotions are high we are not necessarily in the right frame of mind to deal with problems.

However, it's not always easy to have a calm rational conversation about problems or issues that need to be resolved. There is no crystal ball to peer into to predict the other persons reaction. Even the calmest individual is capable of explosion. My advice, and what has worked for me in the past, write a letter. You are able to think clearly, you have the entire floor without interruption or topic change and you are able to proof read and edit. All things that are impossible during a confrontation.

Keep in mind you will eventually have to discuss your letter, but at least you've had a chance to put it all out there, every last drop. The person to whom the letter is addressed may decide to reply in writing as well, this is fine. Take what they say and really digest it before you reply. Don't try reading between the lines, most of the time people will pour their hearts out unabashedly in writing rather than try to play games.

There are those individuals who do play games. Be aware, these same people would rather engage in a verbal debate as this is their area of expertise, and likely the source of your reluctance to participate in a verbal confrontation, you've lost before you've even started. If you initialize with a letter, and they want to respond verbally, make sure you have a copy handy and they only address the points in your letter. Should they dredge up old news, cut them off and get them back on track, this is where remaining calm is your best option. Use your letter as a shield.

Another fun saying of Nanny's, "Never go to bed angry." Ever try that? Going to bed angry at your partner or kids or whomever? Not easy is it, lying there stewing and formulating your verbal assault til about oh, three in the morning? Not fun is it? Don't worry, unless the other half of the argument is oblivious to your frustration, they are likely doing the same.

This will inevitably result in a three a.m. tearful conversation (if it's with your partner of spouse) and maybe even make-up sex if you feel you've been heard and understood. If not you will wake up (after eventually falling asleep) to an undeniable chill in the air. This can only go on for so long so you better do one of two things, deal with it or drop it.

Next up in Spilt Milk, Conflict Resolution and The Art of War.

Tammy.