Once upon a time there was a young girl who never quite felt at home in her own skin...
Sound familiar?
For so many I'm sure it does, but why?
After some fifty years I'm finally comfortable. I've done a lot of work to get here, to this point in my life, that I can reasonably say that. This blog will explore how I arrived at this point and maybe help you feel a little more at home in your own skin.
The funny thing about self discovery is all the wrong turns and false starts. I have had my share of them and even now though I am comfortable with what I know it can change in the blink of an eye. It's almost liquid moving and flowing like water, changing direction and carving new paths. Some barely noticeable some as deep as the Grand Canyon. Embrace the change and flow with it. You can go mental fighting it.
I was for all intents and purposes I was raised Catholic. I attended Mass with my mom and my Nanny and Grandpa McKnight. I wasn't baptised Catholic until I was in if memory serves grade seven. I was old enough to make the decision myself but more so I made it because it's what I felt would make my grand parents and mom happy. My dad was "non-religious" for the most part. He was Anglican but really didn't subscribe to any particular religious belief, unless of course it meant the opportunity to debate the bible with Nanny McKnight.
Needless to say it was my choice and to this day I am still happy with it. I don't attend church, my beliefs have evolved and my views of what is preached would probably tick off the clergy so I stay away and keep my mouth shut. Well most of the time. I have voiced my opinion in debate with those who try to convert me or have me conform to their ideal. I will not be swayed, I do not take my beliefs lightly nor do I force them down others throats. Each to his/her own I say and leave it at that.
If I didn't know then what I know now I would say my grandmother is flipping in her grave with what I'm writing. But with my many years of experience I can honestly say that I know unequivocally that my grandparents are fine with my beliefs, beliefs that began their transformation the day my grandmother died.
It was September 2, 1990, three months before my 24th birthday. I was at my first husbands house, we were just dating at the time when I got the phone call at around 6:30am it was a Sunday. My dad was on the other end and I knew right away something was very wrong. My dad never called, it was always mom. All he said, all he could manage to choke out, two words I will never forget..."Nanny's gone." I can hear his strained voice now as I type this and it stirs the same sorrow I have felt over the years when I think about her.
I instantly went into shock, became very cold and detached. I did not break down, that would come the next day. I took down my mom and uncles flight information. I was living in Toronto at the time and my grandparents had moved to Trenton only eight months prior to live with my Auntie Carol and Uncle Bob. The drive from Toronto to Trenton usually took about an hour and a half depending on traffic. I got there in forty five minutes but don't recall the drive. I had to be doing at least 140km/hr normally my mom would have been freaking out over the speed but she didn't say a word the entire drive.
It was when I saw my grandpa that's when it hit and the tears flowed and didn't stop for a really really long time, years even. The magnitude of our loss was reflected in his eyes. She was his world his life partner the love of his life, the mother of his children, his best friend and she was gone. In three sharp gasps she vanished. Or that's what we perceived. She's still very present, in our hearts and thoughts. She's whispering in our ear and gently guiding us from beyond.
I believe that when we are done here we return "home" call it what you will but earth is a giant class room and we are here to learn life's lessons so that when we return home we can use what we've learned to help others. So with my grandmothers death she returned home but has remained present in her family's lives for the past almost twenty nine years.
A little side story that confirms her presence. When my daughter was around two she was singing Ba Ba Black Sheep. I didn't recall teaching her the song so I asked if she learned it at daycare. She replied, "No, the lady sings it to me in my room." Of course alarmed I asked, "what lady? What's her name?" her reply almost caused me to drop her. She paused and thought for a moment and said, "Sounds like happy." Well, if you read my first entry you will know that my grandmothers nickname was Cappy. I still get goose bumps thinking about this. My niece Justine who was born a year after my grandmothers death had a very long relationship with my grandmother and would talk to her and see her on a regular basis.
So to those who say there is no life after death, I disagree. I've had several conversations with both my grandparents since their deaths. In fact they leave dimes around the house, and not just for me but other members of their family. In fact these dimes will seemingly appear out of thin air, you can literally be looking at, lets say, a table top one moment turn you head and turn back and bam, there it is. The game now is, if it's heads (the Queen) it's Nanny tails (the Bluenose) Grandpa. I always say hi and thanks.
All that being said I have worked long and hard to arrive at this point and my journey was, well, interesting to say the least. Each subsequent blog will detail those experiences, accomplishments and setbacks. My spiritual journey began when I was a child was derailed when I was twenty three and rediscovered after the birth of my daughter six years later. That's where I'll start. The time in between were the lost years, the failed marriages, the discovery of who I thought was my soul mate and several failed attempts at bettering my life and myself. This was a period that I could sit and wallow in but I choose not to, it lead me slowly to my starting point and I will only give it credit for that.
T :)
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