Letting go of anything is difficult, we are creatures who cherish our belongings more so than any other species on this planet. We place sentimental value on our possessions and along with that our thoughts and feelings. We attach and it's very traumatic at time to detach.
Like a child and their favourite toy. There is comfort and safety associated with it. My son still has his first teddy, given to him the day he was born. Blue Bear is still a comfort for him even now and he's hard pressed to detach himself. One day he will, and forcing him to let go would cause stress he doesn't need. After all his attachment to Blue Bear is innocent and not harmful. Of course his mom telling the world about it might one day upset him but for sake of example I think he'd understand.
As children we form our first attachments. To our parents, mom first then dad, to our extended family, to our possessions and eventually to our friends. Sometimes things change and we are forced to detach, this causes trauma and is distressing especially in the case of a child who may not understand the circumstances behind these changes.
There is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration and a real sense of loss. It is unfair to tell the person to "just get over it." or "you need to let it go." Yes that's how we see it looking in, but who the hell are we to determine the ability or capacity of the person living this trauma to "just get over it" or "let it go" we are not in their shoes we do not feel the anxiety that comes from this loss and we can only imagine what they are feeling.
Even if you've been through what they are going through it's still different. Everyone processes differently. What seems like no big deal to some is catastrophic to others. You cannot reasonably assume you know what is right. All you can do is offer your story and how you dealt with a similar situation, you can be a supportive listener and shoulder to cry on. You can not definitively say what will work and what won't. We did not come with a user manual and to assume you know what is best for some one because it was best for you may lead to even bigger problems for the person you are trying to help.
Letting go of a toxic situation or individual seems frighteningly more difficult and I can only surmise it's because they have instilled in us an immense amount of fear and uncertainty. Fear that we could not survive without them and uncertainty of how they might react if we try to let go. An abusive spouse, man or woman, will always fain remorse after an assault. They claim they love their victim, that it will never happen again and truly skilled abusers will somehow make it the fault of the victim, this diminishes the victims self esteem and eventually the abused believes that all their problems are a direct result of their actions and not the abuser. They are lead to believe that they wouldn't survive without the abuser and therefore the attachment grows stronger.
When the abused finally has had enough and hopefully this is long before their life is endangered, they make a bold and very brave move and remove themselves from the situation. Or someone in authority makes the change for them. Why is it then that so many return to their abuser? Well, because they are so attached they believe they will surely perish without their abuser.
I was recently asked why someone missed their abuser. I'm going to elaborate on the answer because I've had time to think about it. I feel it's because the abuser has lead the victim to believe they need them. When we feel we are needed we equate that with love and we all want to be loved even if it means taking a beating now and then. We blame ourselves and learn to cope, after all we get the affection after the fight right? Did there need to be a fight in the first place?
Our attachments whether healthy or not are who we are, who we define ourselves as, for all the world to see. Some we keep private, some we advertise, some we don't even realise we have. Letting go while terrifying can also be liberating! BUT you have to do it on your terms in your time and don't let anyone tell you what will work for you, only you know that. Only you can determine your time line and what you are comfortable with, even if you are uncomfortable with it, there is still a comfort level to be attained. It will happen when you are ready for it to happen.
The thing to keep in mind is, the attachment is yours to keep or discard. It's not forced on you it's not a life sentence and it's not within your control to determine the length of time you will have this attachment. Sometimes circumstance tears the attachment from you physically, but emotionally the ties are still there. The loss of a loved one for example is a sudden detachment physically but emotionally it my never detach. How you cope is what is key to surviving without your attachment.
One thing I've recommended is writing. Write it down and get it out of your head. For some this works for others not so much, it's up to you to decide. Talking about it works as well, talk until you're sick of hearing it. Eventually you will let go and you will feel liberated and you will know that you did the right thing for you. Not because someone told you to but because you made a conscious decision to move on.
Tammy.
No comments:
Post a Comment