I remember my teenage years, I don't recall being "difficult" I don't think I was. My sister on the other hand, well she was a handful to say the least. :)
One thing I to remember is being taught to respect my elders. If I didn't then there would be hell to pay. I recall being upset with my dad, and literally whispering under my breath "shut-up" well, my mom heard and ya, I was grounded for two weeks. Believe me, that was painful because that was way back when teens didn't have cell phones or facebook accounts or laptops or any other multi media device that contributes to anti-social behaviour. Back in my day if you wanted to see your friends you called them on a telephone, or made plans at school to meet up at the mall or where ever the cool place was to go.
Today, kids it seems have very little respect for their elders. They are handed everything on a silver platter and have no idea what it means to work for their myriad of gadgets. For the most part at least, I do know a few rare teens out there who do work for what they want and they do have a sense of respect for adults but honestly those are the very rare exception.
If there are parents of soon to be tweens out there reading this here's some advice. Start now, instilling in your kids that they can't have everything their hearts desire without a little effort on their part. Giving your kids everything will back fire on you I guarantee. You are starting a process of narcissistic behaviour and if you don't watch out you will be dealing with extremely difficult if not abusive teens when the time arrives.
My kids 15, and 13 1/2 get weekly "pep talks" about proper behaviour and attitude about appreciation and the requirement for hard work to attain their earthly desires. They are rewarded for their accomplishments and are punished for inappropriate behaviour. There is no uttered threat without follow through. If I say something will be removed after a first warning, there are no second or third warnings, it's gone. They know this because they have tested the waters and learned early I will not stand for their b.s. just like my parents didn't.
One thing that I do notice is how many teens out there are absolutely horrible to their parents. It's mind boggling to hear or see how these "entitled brats" treat their parents. My kids know I will not tolerate such disrespect and if they try there will be hell to pay. That doesn't make me a mean mom, I'm quite nice to my kids because they deserve that, and in return I deserve their respect, period. But what if your rotten kid doesn't see it that way? What if he or she thinks your world revolves around them? Then what? Is it a result of bad parenting? No, not necessarily, but rather a result of enabling.
Kids need guidance and mentoring, if you feel that you must give your child everything they ask for, and do not follow through on punishing bad behaviour you are enabling narcissistic behaviour whether you like it or not, you are teaching them this is how you act when you want something and if you don't get it you throw a tantrum until you do get your way. As painful as it may seem they need to know the meaning of the word NO and they need to respect your decision to use the word NO. They have no problem tossing it about when they don't want to do something you've asked right? And they expect you to respect their rights don't they, why not expect the same in return.
You have to lay the ground work early. You have to let your kids know you will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour and that proper behaviour will be rewarded. You have to follow through on threats of discipline and you have to be firm, not wishy washy. All the "experts" say the same thing, kids need to be taught. Taught everything about life, they are not born all knowing, even though I know my fair share of know it all teenagers, they haven't got a clue how idiotic they look and act. It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad.
All I can hope for anyone out there reading this is that they look at this objectively and not say "oh, this isn't about me because I don't enable my kid." Well, that's great, but I bet you're in denial. Everyone does it, even I do it and immediately regret it and have to back peddle to correct MY behaviour, usually it's not too late but sometimes I have to follow through on promises and just eat crow. I guarantee though I don't get caught a second time. One thing to keep in mind, kids are master manipulators they learn at a very young age what works with their parents and what doesn't, you need to catch them at this game and turn it around because when they get out in the real world they are in for a shock.
Thanks for reading,
Tammy.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Bullying
This is a very sensitive topic for me. My son is the victim of bullying. I can't yet say he's a survivor because the bullying continues at every turn.
His dad and I put him in Cadets to help him learn discipline and respect. So far it's working but even in this environment he's been bullied. Not by his commanding officers but by fellow Cadets who took it upon themselves at break to tell my son for no apparent reason to "go f**k himself". He's not sure why they said this, he wasn't even talking to them, was engrossed in a conversation with a few other Cadets.
This upset my son, he went outside because he didn't know exactly what to do about it. He didn't want to tell because he felt that would make him a "tattle-tale". I don't blame him for feeling this way. Two years ago a kid threw a rock and hit my son in the forehead. The schoolyard supervisor saw this and the kid was dealt with. He got a three day suspension and my son got about two weeks of tormenting by the bullies friends. They did it in such a way that it would have been his word against theirs and we all know there is power in numbers. So you see, he's reluctant to report it because it really doesn't help.
Back to Cadets. So one of the officers finds him and asks what's going on? My son tells him but won't say who it was, he knows there are repercussions he's been here before. The officer then proceeded to let all the cadets know that bullying and swearing are not tolerated by anyone and if it happens again the culprit will be asked to leave cadets. Fair enough, problem is, now it's going to happen without the higher ranking officers knowing. Bullies are a clever bunch, they know how not to get caught.
Why am I telling this story? Well, because there has been a few teenagers who have taken their own lives because of the torment they had to live with. It scares and sickens me because my own son is headed in this direction. I just pray that he becomes a survivor of bullying and not a victim who takes his own life to end the pain. Why do kids do this to each other? Where are their parents in this?
I know you're not supposed to point your finger at the parents because you'll be met with "it's not our fault, we had no idea" BULLSHIT! If my kid was bullying another and I got a call from the school about it, I would do everything in my power to let my kid know it's not acceptable. Why? Because I'm not a bully, I don't have it in me. However, there are plenty of people out there who do and they likely bully their own kids or spouses and think "good job Johnny, yer a chip off the old block".
When kids set out to torment their victim, they know exactly what they are doing. How can they not? There is NO innocence in bullying. It's done maliciously with the intended end result being harm to another individual. Where the hell did they get the idea this was ok? It's taught in school that it's not acceptable, so can't be there. Is it taught in every single home out there? Obviously not.
At some point in a child's development something breaks. Is it because of too harsh punishment from their parents? Maybe. Is it learned behaviour? Maybe. The thing is no one knows for sure because the bullies don't usually step forward and claim ownership of their actions, nor do the parents of the bullies. You see the victims, but not the perpetrators. Maybe it would be less cool if the bullies were paraded before their peers and let them see how it feels to be tormented. Tit for tat right? An eye for an eye? Turning the other cheek isn't working, you're just setting yourself up to get that one slapped too.
I am so fed up with bullying. The victims tormented into suicide are human and entitled to live without being bullied, why they hell can't these bullies see what they do is so wrong on so many levels? Maybe there needs to be a law passed that makes bullying a criminal offence. Assault is punishable by law, bullying should be too, it's no different from assault when the outcome is the same, and sometimes worse.
I know some of you reading this will probably scoff and say, it's peer pressure or a result of bad parenting or what ever, the point is, bullies make a conscious decision to bully, it's not done by accident it's done on purpose to hurt another individual. It's a choice, like deciding between a chocolate bar or a bag of chips. All they have to do is develop a conscience and set of morals and maybe, just maybe they will make the right decision and not cause the death of an innocent life.
Tammy.
His dad and I put him in Cadets to help him learn discipline and respect. So far it's working but even in this environment he's been bullied. Not by his commanding officers but by fellow Cadets who took it upon themselves at break to tell my son for no apparent reason to "go f**k himself". He's not sure why they said this, he wasn't even talking to them, was engrossed in a conversation with a few other Cadets.
This upset my son, he went outside because he didn't know exactly what to do about it. He didn't want to tell because he felt that would make him a "tattle-tale". I don't blame him for feeling this way. Two years ago a kid threw a rock and hit my son in the forehead. The schoolyard supervisor saw this and the kid was dealt with. He got a three day suspension and my son got about two weeks of tormenting by the bullies friends. They did it in such a way that it would have been his word against theirs and we all know there is power in numbers. So you see, he's reluctant to report it because it really doesn't help.
Back to Cadets. So one of the officers finds him and asks what's going on? My son tells him but won't say who it was, he knows there are repercussions he's been here before. The officer then proceeded to let all the cadets know that bullying and swearing are not tolerated by anyone and if it happens again the culprit will be asked to leave cadets. Fair enough, problem is, now it's going to happen without the higher ranking officers knowing. Bullies are a clever bunch, they know how not to get caught.
Why am I telling this story? Well, because there has been a few teenagers who have taken their own lives because of the torment they had to live with. It scares and sickens me because my own son is headed in this direction. I just pray that he becomes a survivor of bullying and not a victim who takes his own life to end the pain. Why do kids do this to each other? Where are their parents in this?
I know you're not supposed to point your finger at the parents because you'll be met with "it's not our fault, we had no idea" BULLSHIT! If my kid was bullying another and I got a call from the school about it, I would do everything in my power to let my kid know it's not acceptable. Why? Because I'm not a bully, I don't have it in me. However, there are plenty of people out there who do and they likely bully their own kids or spouses and think "good job Johnny, yer a chip off the old block".
When kids set out to torment their victim, they know exactly what they are doing. How can they not? There is NO innocence in bullying. It's done maliciously with the intended end result being harm to another individual. Where the hell did they get the idea this was ok? It's taught in school that it's not acceptable, so can't be there. Is it taught in every single home out there? Obviously not.
At some point in a child's development something breaks. Is it because of too harsh punishment from their parents? Maybe. Is it learned behaviour? Maybe. The thing is no one knows for sure because the bullies don't usually step forward and claim ownership of their actions, nor do the parents of the bullies. You see the victims, but not the perpetrators. Maybe it would be less cool if the bullies were paraded before their peers and let them see how it feels to be tormented. Tit for tat right? An eye for an eye? Turning the other cheek isn't working, you're just setting yourself up to get that one slapped too.
I am so fed up with bullying. The victims tormented into suicide are human and entitled to live without being bullied, why they hell can't these bullies see what they do is so wrong on so many levels? Maybe there needs to be a law passed that makes bullying a criminal offence. Assault is punishable by law, bullying should be too, it's no different from assault when the outcome is the same, and sometimes worse.
I know some of you reading this will probably scoff and say, it's peer pressure or a result of bad parenting or what ever, the point is, bullies make a conscious decision to bully, it's not done by accident it's done on purpose to hurt another individual. It's a choice, like deciding between a chocolate bar or a bag of chips. All they have to do is develop a conscience and set of morals and maybe, just maybe they will make the right decision and not cause the death of an innocent life.
Tammy.
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Kindness Of Others
So easily taken advantage of. If someone offers a helping hand because you have whined and complained about how bad you have it. Are they fools for falling prey to your will? If they are willing to sacrifice so you may be happy does this really make them happy or are they just so desperate for attention, any ones attention, they put themselves out there to be taken advantage of.
Think about this. When we begin a relationship with someone we give it our all. 110% jump in with both feet and hope the landing is soft. We hope that the other person is on the same page, we assume they are also in it 110% but do you really know that for sure? Really?
What happens if after a while you start to see signs that maybe it's more like you are giving 110% and they are scraping by with 95%. Then what? Suppose that slips even further, to say 75% on a declining scale as time passes? Are you still giving your 110% or is that waining too? I bet it is.
There is no give without get. Time is the factor here, the more you give and the less you get over time will certainly shift the balance in even the most stable of relationships. Yet the receiver still wants your 110% and oddly enough feel entitled. Maybe even still a little grateful, but it's come to be expected. Who's at fault? Both.
The kind hearted fool and the sponge who's slowly sucking them dry. How do you stop this? You can't, it's up the the individuals involved. Typically the kindness dries up and leaves and the sponge is left sitting all alone wondering what went wrong. OR the sponge is no longer satisfied and kicks the kindhearted soul to the curb. I've seen it happen, I've witnessed the aftermath of such a relationship and the sponge is and always will be the sponge, where as the kindhearted individual becomes jaded and takes on the position of a sponge because they have learned a valuable lesson.
Funny how that works. If you are in a position where you feel even remotely as though you are being taken advantage of you need to speak up. You have rights too, you deserve to be given as much as you give. You deserve to not be drained dry, either emotionally, physically or financially. Your generosity has limits and be sure it is being deposited into as much as withdrawn from.
As for you sponges out there, remember, you are not entitled to rob someone of everything they are, you are not entitled to sit back an put in zero effort. And making excuses is not acceptable. Even Steven please, that way everyone wins.
Oh, and for the record, just because someone had taken advantage of you does not mean you get a "Free Sponge" card. The person you are taking advantage of now, is not the person who took advantage of you, you didn't like it why should they?
Tammy.
Think about this. When we begin a relationship with someone we give it our all. 110% jump in with both feet and hope the landing is soft. We hope that the other person is on the same page, we assume they are also in it 110% but do you really know that for sure? Really?
What happens if after a while you start to see signs that maybe it's more like you are giving 110% and they are scraping by with 95%. Then what? Suppose that slips even further, to say 75% on a declining scale as time passes? Are you still giving your 110% or is that waining too? I bet it is.
There is no give without get. Time is the factor here, the more you give and the less you get over time will certainly shift the balance in even the most stable of relationships. Yet the receiver still wants your 110% and oddly enough feel entitled. Maybe even still a little grateful, but it's come to be expected. Who's at fault? Both.
The kind hearted fool and the sponge who's slowly sucking them dry. How do you stop this? You can't, it's up the the individuals involved. Typically the kindness dries up and leaves and the sponge is left sitting all alone wondering what went wrong. OR the sponge is no longer satisfied and kicks the kindhearted soul to the curb. I've seen it happen, I've witnessed the aftermath of such a relationship and the sponge is and always will be the sponge, where as the kindhearted individual becomes jaded and takes on the position of a sponge because they have learned a valuable lesson.
Funny how that works. If you are in a position where you feel even remotely as though you are being taken advantage of you need to speak up. You have rights too, you deserve to be given as much as you give. You deserve to not be drained dry, either emotionally, physically or financially. Your generosity has limits and be sure it is being deposited into as much as withdrawn from.
As for you sponges out there, remember, you are not entitled to rob someone of everything they are, you are not entitled to sit back an put in zero effort. And making excuses is not acceptable. Even Steven please, that way everyone wins.
Oh, and for the record, just because someone had taken advantage of you does not mean you get a "Free Sponge" card. The person you are taking advantage of now, is not the person who took advantage of you, you didn't like it why should they?
Tammy.
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Art Of Lying
We all do it to some degree and if you deny it...you're lying.
There are several different forms of lies. There are several different reasons for lying and all of which are justifiable to the person spewing the lie. A lie is only a lie if the person being lied to finds out or already knows the truth. A lie is also a lie only if the liar gets caught. Really, think about it. If someone told you a lie, say a little white lie, we all do it. And you believed it. Is it really a lie? It's become your truth hasn't it? It's only the liar who knows it's a lie and they aren't about to fess up so it to becomes their truth. I've blogged about "False Truths" before, this is a little different.
When does a lie become exactly that? When the person being lied to finds out. Before then the lie might have been believable.
What about withholding the truth? What about avoiding being honest with some one and doing something you know you would have to lie about so not to get caught or to not have to face consequences. Is this the same thing? That's up to you to decide. If you live by "what I don't know won't hurt me" then I guess it's ok. But what if you do know? Then what?
Interesting dilemma. Do you let the person withholding information know you know? Or do you let it play out and see how far they are willing to take this risk knowing full well how you may react if you were to find out? But you already know and because you know and are withholding this knowledge does that make you a liar as well?
Tricky business this lying game. It's all a matter of morals and perspective. If you are the type of person who uses lies to get what you want from others, you can justify it eight ways to Sunday it's still lying, it's used for personal gain. If you only lie to protect yourself or others from harm is that still lying? Yes, but what is motivating the person to lie? The personal gain they seek is protection from someone else. They're justified. Still a lie though.
Little white lies, that's a grey area. We use these usually to keep from hurting someones feelings. "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No, you look awesome!" All the while he sees her as a beached whale in it. Should he have been honest and risk ruining their relationship? How would she have reacted if he said "Yes"? It all depends on the person. We do ask to be lied to all the time.
"Do you love me?", "I do" All the while they are planning their escape. Lies are as common place as breathing for some. It's when you encounter someone who abhors lying and liars and espouses how they NEVER lie and yet you catch them time and time again doing just that, lying. Where do you draw the line? When do you "call" them on it? How far do you let the lies go before you stop them? How do you justify their lies to make them hurt a little less? Why?
All really good questions and if even one makes you stop and think not only about what you lie about and why but what you tolerate in lies from others then this blog has value. And if you're sitting there on your high horse claiming to have never lied then I ask you this...what "little white LIE" have you ever told to your kids to keep from deeply hurting their feelings? Like, oh I don't know..."Don't be scared, that needle will only hurt a little bit" Then it's jabbed into their arm, or leg or worse mouth and they know you just lied to them. They might not believe you the next time.
Like I said, we all do it, we are all guilty at some level. But they are really only lies if we get caught right? If we can justify our reasons for doing it is it really that bad? Is it really lying? I guess that's the million dollar question.
Tammy.
There are several different forms of lies. There are several different reasons for lying and all of which are justifiable to the person spewing the lie. A lie is only a lie if the person being lied to finds out or already knows the truth. A lie is also a lie only if the liar gets caught. Really, think about it. If someone told you a lie, say a little white lie, we all do it. And you believed it. Is it really a lie? It's become your truth hasn't it? It's only the liar who knows it's a lie and they aren't about to fess up so it to becomes their truth. I've blogged about "False Truths" before, this is a little different.
When does a lie become exactly that? When the person being lied to finds out. Before then the lie might have been believable.
What about withholding the truth? What about avoiding being honest with some one and doing something you know you would have to lie about so not to get caught or to not have to face consequences. Is this the same thing? That's up to you to decide. If you live by "what I don't know won't hurt me" then I guess it's ok. But what if you do know? Then what?
Interesting dilemma. Do you let the person withholding information know you know? Or do you let it play out and see how far they are willing to take this risk knowing full well how you may react if you were to find out? But you already know and because you know and are withholding this knowledge does that make you a liar as well?
Tricky business this lying game. It's all a matter of morals and perspective. If you are the type of person who uses lies to get what you want from others, you can justify it eight ways to Sunday it's still lying, it's used for personal gain. If you only lie to protect yourself or others from harm is that still lying? Yes, but what is motivating the person to lie? The personal gain they seek is protection from someone else. They're justified. Still a lie though.
Little white lies, that's a grey area. We use these usually to keep from hurting someones feelings. "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No, you look awesome!" All the while he sees her as a beached whale in it. Should he have been honest and risk ruining their relationship? How would she have reacted if he said "Yes"? It all depends on the person. We do ask to be lied to all the time.
"Do you love me?", "I do" All the while they are planning their escape. Lies are as common place as breathing for some. It's when you encounter someone who abhors lying and liars and espouses how they NEVER lie and yet you catch them time and time again doing just that, lying. Where do you draw the line? When do you "call" them on it? How far do you let the lies go before you stop them? How do you justify their lies to make them hurt a little less? Why?
All really good questions and if even one makes you stop and think not only about what you lie about and why but what you tolerate in lies from others then this blog has value. And if you're sitting there on your high horse claiming to have never lied then I ask you this...what "little white LIE" have you ever told to your kids to keep from deeply hurting their feelings? Like, oh I don't know..."Don't be scared, that needle will only hurt a little bit" Then it's jabbed into their arm, or leg or worse mouth and they know you just lied to them. They might not believe you the next time.
Like I said, we all do it, we are all guilty at some level. But they are really only lies if we get caught right? If we can justify our reasons for doing it is it really that bad? Is it really lying? I guess that's the million dollar question.
Tammy.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Patience is a virtue.
Interesting expression isn't it, "patience is a virtue". In a world of instant everything we've lost touch with this particular virtue as we instant this and instant that. But really does it matter? I think so.
To be patient means to wait calmly, even tempered, persevering. Virtue means merit, an admirable quality, moral excellence. So, it is admirable to be able to persevere. Ok, but we don't have to any longer. For most things anyway. I find myself less and less patient these days, when once upon a time it was a quality I prided myself in. My ability to wait calmly. I struggle with this daily now and I don't think it's because as I grow older I become less patient, I think it's because I just don't have to be.
The thing is in this fast paced world we need this virtue of patience more now than ever before. Before we had no choice, today we do. We can instant message someone if we need to contact them, whereas as little as oh, 20 or so years ago less for some we would put pen to paper and send our thoughts and questions via what is now known as "snail mail" and yet that will for the most part arrive at it's destination in a matter of days.
Imagine what life was like 100 years ago? Patience was a requirement expected of everyone. Still an admirable virtue but expected none the less. Today we simply sluff it off if we see someone loosing patients with an other fellow human and chalk it down to them having a bad day. Rarely do we attribute it to them having simply lost the virtue of patience. As if patience is no longer a requirement.
My ex used to abhor the concept of patience. He would say that's just someone elses way of saying "f-you". As if being expected to wait for something was akin to being denied out right. He had and still has a low tolerance for patience and not because of the world around him but because he feels his wishes should be fulfilled instantly upon his request. The concept of having to wait for something was appalling at best.
I on the other hand have decided that I'm going to regain this virtue. I will endeavour as much as possible to be patient, even when it frustrates and annoys me to have to do so. I will wait calmly and preserver, I will embrace this admirable trait and make it mine once again. How? Don't know, but I do know what it feels like to lose my patience so acting in contrary should do the trick.
Remember, "Good things come to those who wait."
Tammy.
To be patient means to wait calmly, even tempered, persevering. Virtue means merit, an admirable quality, moral excellence. So, it is admirable to be able to persevere. Ok, but we don't have to any longer. For most things anyway. I find myself less and less patient these days, when once upon a time it was a quality I prided myself in. My ability to wait calmly. I struggle with this daily now and I don't think it's because as I grow older I become less patient, I think it's because I just don't have to be.
The thing is in this fast paced world we need this virtue of patience more now than ever before. Before we had no choice, today we do. We can instant message someone if we need to contact them, whereas as little as oh, 20 or so years ago less for some we would put pen to paper and send our thoughts and questions via what is now known as "snail mail" and yet that will for the most part arrive at it's destination in a matter of days.
Imagine what life was like 100 years ago? Patience was a requirement expected of everyone. Still an admirable virtue but expected none the less. Today we simply sluff it off if we see someone loosing patients with an other fellow human and chalk it down to them having a bad day. Rarely do we attribute it to them having simply lost the virtue of patience. As if patience is no longer a requirement.
My ex used to abhor the concept of patience. He would say that's just someone elses way of saying "f-you". As if being expected to wait for something was akin to being denied out right. He had and still has a low tolerance for patience and not because of the world around him but because he feels his wishes should be fulfilled instantly upon his request. The concept of having to wait for something was appalling at best.
I on the other hand have decided that I'm going to regain this virtue. I will endeavour as much as possible to be patient, even when it frustrates and annoys me to have to do so. I will wait calmly and preserver, I will embrace this admirable trait and make it mine once again. How? Don't know, but I do know what it feels like to lose my patience so acting in contrary should do the trick.
Remember, "Good things come to those who wait."
Tammy.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Out Of The Ashes.
Why does it take sinking to such lows that then and only then we realise our own self worth.
I think it takes hitting rock bottom to truly appreciate who we really are and the inner strength we are able to muster to bring us back from the brink. We all have ingrained survival instincts and that's what kicks in when we want to check out.
Lately I have been in the very honoured position to assist someone back from the brink. From making the absolute worse decision of their lives due to the very poor decision of another. Nuf said. What I find remarkable is the ability with which we all have within us to shift our perception to fit our needs.
When we wallow in self pitty, it isn't because someone told us to. It's a result of our persception of the situation we find our selves in. We choose how we react, we are not told how to react. That doesn't work. The position I find myself in currently is one of guidance, of sheding light on a new way of seeing things and reasurance, always positive reasureance.
Someone wallowing does not need help with this, they are doing a great job all on their own. What they do need is a voice of reason who sees this damaging behaviour and calls them on it. Gently of course but firmly. Maybe this is a gift or maybe it's just logic, but recognizing someone in dire need of gentel persuasion is something everyone has, it's a matter of taking off the blinders and stepping up to help.
It's not an easy task, knowing just what to say and when. It's not easy remaining neutral and objective when you know all the person in need, needs is a swift kick in the butt. It's not easy not absorbing their problems and making them your own. It's a fine line to walk a balancing act of epic proprotions but it can be done with the right skills.
Elevating someone out of their low is to be done with great trepidation. Do not assume because they tell you they are all right that they are. Monitor behaviour, check in offten and make sure the know that you really care. That you have their best interest at heart and you are always there for them. Most of all, make sure you are always there. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a friend, just be sure to be the best friend you can be. If you are not in a position to offer help, don't, you'll only make matters worse.
I came across a status up date on facebook today that sums it up beautifully. I don't know who said it but I do know who posted it and I would like to thank them for this little nugget of inspiration...
Tammy.
I think it takes hitting rock bottom to truly appreciate who we really are and the inner strength we are able to muster to bring us back from the brink. We all have ingrained survival instincts and that's what kicks in when we want to check out.
Lately I have been in the very honoured position to assist someone back from the brink. From making the absolute worse decision of their lives due to the very poor decision of another. Nuf said. What I find remarkable is the ability with which we all have within us to shift our perception to fit our needs.
When we wallow in self pitty, it isn't because someone told us to. It's a result of our persception of the situation we find our selves in. We choose how we react, we are not told how to react. That doesn't work. The position I find myself in currently is one of guidance, of sheding light on a new way of seeing things and reasurance, always positive reasureance.
Someone wallowing does not need help with this, they are doing a great job all on their own. What they do need is a voice of reason who sees this damaging behaviour and calls them on it. Gently of course but firmly. Maybe this is a gift or maybe it's just logic, but recognizing someone in dire need of gentel persuasion is something everyone has, it's a matter of taking off the blinders and stepping up to help.
It's not an easy task, knowing just what to say and when. It's not easy remaining neutral and objective when you know all the person in need, needs is a swift kick in the butt. It's not easy not absorbing their problems and making them your own. It's a fine line to walk a balancing act of epic proprotions but it can be done with the right skills.
Elevating someone out of their low is to be done with great trepidation. Do not assume because they tell you they are all right that they are. Monitor behaviour, check in offten and make sure the know that you really care. That you have their best interest at heart and you are always there for them. Most of all, make sure you are always there. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a friend, just be sure to be the best friend you can be. If you are not in a position to offer help, don't, you'll only make matters worse.
I came across a status up date on facebook today that sums it up beautifully. I don't know who said it but I do know who posted it and I would like to thank them for this little nugget of inspiration...
Tammy.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Imaginary Abuse
I have blogged about this before but not from this angle. I've written about verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the tole it takes on individuals but I have never written about imaginary abuse.
What I mean by imaginary abuse is exactly that. When someone is so starved for attention that they fabricate horrific events in order to garner sympathy and attention. I know an individual who does this on a regular basis and as a result has a sad pathetic existence plagued by the wrong kind of attention.
I read on the facebook status shuffle application a status that went something like this..."two wrongs don't make a right but two negatives make a positive" OK, yes there is no denying that two negatives make a positive but what they fail to believe is that for every two negatives you only get one positive therefore you will be drowning in negatives in order to attain a drop of positive. See my point?
So this person, used to accuse there ex of sexual abuse, this has now escalated to an accusation of full on rape which happened while they were married. This evolution is an example of imaginary abuse. This person is so needy that they have now blatantly lied at the expense of another human in order to gain the worlds sympathy. Sympathy they do not deserve. Pity, maybe, insane asylum definitely.
What this person, though claiming to be an "expert", doesn't realise is that people who are truly abused either, verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically do not advertise their abuse. They keep it to themselves because of the belief that they some how caused it. They do not advertise to anyone who would listen that their former spouse raped them. They do not celebrate the fact that they were beaten by someone who claimed to love them. The only type of individual who would claim something so heinous is someone who is purely driven by their need for sympathy. This is definitely a mental illness that is damaging on so many levels.
Truly abused individuals are terrified that their abuser will find out no matter the time or distance between them and retaliate. The person who merrily espouses that they were abused has no idea what abuse really is. Either that, or they are so mentally damaged that they suffer masochistic tendencies, which equates to the abuse they suffer being self induced. Which in turn gives them the opportunity to cry victim when all the while they are the predator. I know first hand this person bated their ex into a mild sexual encounter one that did not result in "rape" as claimed and one that was stopped the moment the ex was aware this was not what their spouse wanted. This was not a breach of trust on the part of the alleged offender but blatant entrapment on the part of the alleged victim. Therefore who is the true offender who is the true victim?
Imaginary abuse is symptomatic of a much deeper mental illness. Those individuals who claim imagined abuse are a danger to themselves but more so to those whom they claim abused them. They have no clue or care that their accusations while questionable at best have longer far more detrimental consequence on the innocent accused and on those closest to the accused. Human nature dictates we support the victim and shun the predator. However, when the predator has donned the mask of a victim we are all played as fools.
Be very wary of someone carrying on and on about how they were abused. The chances are it's either all in their head or not at all as it's being conveyed. Unless you happen to know first hand the true situation please as with everything keep in mind there are two sides to every story and with some people you have to take what they tell you with a grain of salt because there is always an agenda or a motive behind such elaborate tales. How you react to their stories will also be indicative to the truth behind it. Should you choose to be sympathetic, listen for the "rest" of the story and ask yourself, "is this for my benefit?" If your response is cold and seemingly uncaring, is the topic of conversation changed or do they continue in an attempt to convince you? Things to look out for.
The easiest way to know who has made up their story of woe is by their demeanour when telling you. Do they cower in on themselves in and attempt to protect themselves from an unseen force, or are they nonchalant and elusive telling you about is as if they were reciting a grocery list? Watch the body language, the eye contact or lack there of (liars avoid eye contact more so than abuse victims) are they animated with their recount? The true and real fact is, someone who has lived through real abuse is less likely to even let you know let alone advertise it to the world for fear of continued abuse, retaliation or personal humiliation. THAT is what abuse victims are reduced to, not sympathy mongering psychopaths...they were/are psychopaths to begin with.
Tammy.
What I mean by imaginary abuse is exactly that. When someone is so starved for attention that they fabricate horrific events in order to garner sympathy and attention. I know an individual who does this on a regular basis and as a result has a sad pathetic existence plagued by the wrong kind of attention.
I read on the facebook status shuffle application a status that went something like this..."two wrongs don't make a right but two negatives make a positive" OK, yes there is no denying that two negatives make a positive but what they fail to believe is that for every two negatives you only get one positive therefore you will be drowning in negatives in order to attain a drop of positive. See my point?
So this person, used to accuse there ex of sexual abuse, this has now escalated to an accusation of full on rape which happened while they were married. This evolution is an example of imaginary abuse. This person is so needy that they have now blatantly lied at the expense of another human in order to gain the worlds sympathy. Sympathy they do not deserve. Pity, maybe, insane asylum definitely.
What this person, though claiming to be an "expert", doesn't realise is that people who are truly abused either, verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically do not advertise their abuse. They keep it to themselves because of the belief that they some how caused it. They do not advertise to anyone who would listen that their former spouse raped them. They do not celebrate the fact that they were beaten by someone who claimed to love them. The only type of individual who would claim something so heinous is someone who is purely driven by their need for sympathy. This is definitely a mental illness that is damaging on so many levels.
Truly abused individuals are terrified that their abuser will find out no matter the time or distance between them and retaliate. The person who merrily espouses that they were abused has no idea what abuse really is. Either that, or they are so mentally damaged that they suffer masochistic tendencies, which equates to the abuse they suffer being self induced. Which in turn gives them the opportunity to cry victim when all the while they are the predator. I know first hand this person bated their ex into a mild sexual encounter one that did not result in "rape" as claimed and one that was stopped the moment the ex was aware this was not what their spouse wanted. This was not a breach of trust on the part of the alleged offender but blatant entrapment on the part of the alleged victim. Therefore who is the true offender who is the true victim?
Imaginary abuse is symptomatic of a much deeper mental illness. Those individuals who claim imagined abuse are a danger to themselves but more so to those whom they claim abused them. They have no clue or care that their accusations while questionable at best have longer far more detrimental consequence on the innocent accused and on those closest to the accused. Human nature dictates we support the victim and shun the predator. However, when the predator has donned the mask of a victim we are all played as fools.
Be very wary of someone carrying on and on about how they were abused. The chances are it's either all in their head or not at all as it's being conveyed. Unless you happen to know first hand the true situation please as with everything keep in mind there are two sides to every story and with some people you have to take what they tell you with a grain of salt because there is always an agenda or a motive behind such elaborate tales. How you react to their stories will also be indicative to the truth behind it. Should you choose to be sympathetic, listen for the "rest" of the story and ask yourself, "is this for my benefit?" If your response is cold and seemingly uncaring, is the topic of conversation changed or do they continue in an attempt to convince you? Things to look out for.
The easiest way to know who has made up their story of woe is by their demeanour when telling you. Do they cower in on themselves in and attempt to protect themselves from an unseen force, or are they nonchalant and elusive telling you about is as if they were reciting a grocery list? Watch the body language, the eye contact or lack there of (liars avoid eye contact more so than abuse victims) are they animated with their recount? The true and real fact is, someone who has lived through real abuse is less likely to even let you know let alone advertise it to the world for fear of continued abuse, retaliation or personal humiliation. THAT is what abuse victims are reduced to, not sympathy mongering psychopaths...they were/are psychopaths to begin with.
Tammy.
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