The issue of ownership came up this past weekend for me in conversations with a few different people. Ownership is an interesting word, one that so many people really don't understand on a deeper level than the superficial.
When you own something it's yours, simple. We think material possessions something tangible. But ownership goes far deeper. I'm referring to owning your problems, your issues, your "crap" on a non-tangible personal level.
When you take ownership of your problems you put yourself in a position of dealing with them and becoming a better person in the long run. Taking ownership is tremendously painful for some, it means letting go of ego and admitting you are not the perfect specimen you make yourself out to be. Owning your crap means ceasing to project it onto others all that is wrong with you. We are human we are far from perfect, each and every one of us. We need to first and foremost, own this reality for ourselves.
The conversations I was involved in had to do with adults projecting their crap onto their own offspring, specifically. It's this projection that inevitably damages relationships, sometimes beyond repair. When an adult who is seen to be "all knowing" in a child's eyes starts projecting their "crap" onto said child imagine what that does to the psyche of this child. What did they do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. Yet they are being forced ownership of anothers short comings.
I know of three instances of parents doing this to their own kids. How can that be? Who in their right mind would do this, you ask? Well those individuals driven by ego. That's who. They may see in their child all their bad habits and rather than changing themselves rather than taking ownership, guiding and teaching their children, they point fingers. They tell the child they are wrong even if the infraction is minor, they blow it out of proportion because when viewing it, the "offence" is magnified because it's there, in their head buried under the ego that is struggling to suppress it.
How can we help these ego driven projectionists. Honestly I don't think you can. It would mean pointing out their shortcomings and letting them know they are wrong. This doesn't bode well for someone who views themselves as perfect. You can address the issue, but please, expect to have it turned around and handed right back to you, you will now be the cause and owner of brand new "crap". Crap that wasn't yours to begin with. You cannot change someone. No matter how hard you try you are wasting your time and effort. Change only comes when the individual seeking it is ready to invest the time and effort to make such a change.
Ignoring this behaviour is a safe solution, except it doesn't do much to stop this particular form of abuse. The projectionist will continue to project and the receiver will continue to receive, and possibly learn to project as a way to protect themselves. Thus creating a whole generation of individuals who cannot own their "crap".
I would so love to see ego driven projectors take ownership but without the desire to do so they will always be who they are. Your only defence is to figure out how to hand it back to them, say no thank you I don't want this. A hypothetical example of this would be. The projector, chastises and criticizes someone for behaving badly (in their opinion) yet the behaviour is similar if not exactly that of the projector. The projector blames external catalysts for this behaviour unrelated to themselves, however, for themselves it's perfectly acceptable to behave in such a way. It's acceptable because they don't see it in themselves. The ego protects them from seeing how they really are and if you call them on it you will see a rage like never before, rage and utter denial. It's far easier to blame others than to see their own faults. So for the receiver, calling them on it can potentially lead to greater problems. However if you stand firm and not accept the responsibility of owning what they are projecting then they may see that you are not an easy target after all. A simple "I don't see it that way" might just set them straight.
Ownership of ones issues, for some, is a difficult task. Yet for the vast majority of us we understand the requirement to not let our ego dictate how we conduct ourselves. Yet that minority who doesn't understand seem far louder and destructive. Why because anything that is harmful to someone else is seen as a
We all know someone who acts this way. What I would like each and every one of you reading this to do this week is to self asses. Consider your actions and reactions and ask yourself is this my ego acting or is it me. AM I projecting onto someone else because I cannot accept that maybe it is my actions and reactions causing this problem. What AM I doing to contribute to the conflict and how can I re-position myself to OWN my part in it. We all see the other person as wrong when they don't agree with out position but why not see yourself as the one in the wrong, why not try to see the other persons point of view and find a way to work through the issue without projecting but rather owning your part in it.
I would love to hear feed back on this exercise as I'm hoping to add weekly exercises to help each and every one of you with issues you may be encountering. Knowing what you need help with will help me develop this page to it's fullest potential.
Thanks for reading,
Tammy.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Self-esteem vs. Self-confidence
I've blogged in the past about the importance of self-esteem and in light of current events feel it necessary to expand on the topic. Self esteem is not in and of it's self a stand alone entity, it's partnered hand in hand with self-confidence. How you view yourself is indicative of how you conduct yourself. They are the yin yang of who we are. Balance is crucial and imperative.
It's like the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Can you have self-esteem without self-confidence? Can you have self-confidence without self-esteem? I think you can have a tone of self-confidence and diminished self-esteem. Self-esteem is in essence how you view yourself, correct? Self-confidence is how others view you. You can exude self-confidence yet have a very low opinion of yourself, lets call it being humble. However if you have an elevated sense of self-esteem your self-confidence will also be elevated. Your self-confidence doesn't bolster your self-esteem, it exists in spite of it.
Ya, I know confusing. Let me give you an example. I'll use my personal experience as I know it first hand. I was in a relationship where my partner reminded me on a regular basis that I needed to loose weight. I would avoid looking in the full length mirror because I had a very poor opinion of myself, my self-esteem was as low as it could get. However, because I was still a functioning member of society and had a full time job and great friends I made sure that my self-confidence was always at the top of it's game, almost to the point of over compensation. No one was aware of how I felt about myself, I put on the self-confidence mask and muscled through.
I lost the weight I was badgered about, and yes I felt better about myself, my self-esteem rose to new heights to equal that of my self-confidence. But that doesn't mean squat because self-esteem can be dashed with one cruel word from someone you trust and respect. It is the most fragile part of our being and in an instant can be gone.
I had a conversation the other day with a supplier to the company I work for. He's a bit of a chatty cathy and our conversations usually take on a life of their own. We were talking about bullying and Amanda Todd and what kids go through these days. Well, the hard and true reality as unfortunate as it is they put themselves in these compromising situations and when the reaction they receive is not what they were hoping for and for the most part not what they expected they are unable to cope with the situation and find themselves with remorse and regret and worse deep depression and anxiety over the repercussions of what they did. I'm not saying they deserve what they get, they don't what I'm getting at is, first it shouldn't have happened in the first place and second why did it happen at all?
Diminished self-esteem and inflated self-confidence. The need to be accepted and loved and the confidence to seek it no matter the form it takes. A scary combination one that will get a young person into a lot of trouble. Why the diminished self-esteem? There can be several factors or one. It's how the individual processes what's thrown at them. As a parent you can do all you can to make sure your child feels good about themselves. As soon as a peer utters one negative statement the self-doubt begins. As I said before, self-esteem is very fragile and can be shattered in the blink of an eye.
So, to compensate self-confidence becomes exaggerated and somewhat of a Super-man, Super-woman complex sets to work. The I'M INDESTRUCTIBLE attitude takes over and dictates what will make those nasty negative comments go away. And that's when the trouble begins. That's when poor decisions are made and that's when they cross lines that should not be crossed.
There is nothing wrong with healthy self-confidence as long as there is a healthy balance of self-esteem and self-respect to go along with it. Once any part is out of balance, disaster is inevitable.
You, are a beautiful person, inside and out. And when someone tries to convince you your not then you have to, and I really mean this, you have to wonder why? Don't look at it as "they must be right" look at it as "what is so wrong with them they need to project onto me?" Not easy I know, but if you are of the mind set that everyone is entitled to their opinion, including yourself then it is easy to shrug it off and walk away.
If you're a teen struggling with this, because acceptance is so very important, keep in mind that their self-esteem is just as fragile as yours, and even though they portray huge self-confidence, their need to diminish others is a direct reflection of their own damages self-esteem.
Tammy.
It's like the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Can you have self-esteem without self-confidence? Can you have self-confidence without self-esteem? I think you can have a tone of self-confidence and diminished self-esteem. Self-esteem is in essence how you view yourself, correct? Self-confidence is how others view you. You can exude self-confidence yet have a very low opinion of yourself, lets call it being humble. However if you have an elevated sense of self-esteem your self-confidence will also be elevated. Your self-confidence doesn't bolster your self-esteem, it exists in spite of it.
Ya, I know confusing. Let me give you an example. I'll use my personal experience as I know it first hand. I was in a relationship where my partner reminded me on a regular basis that I needed to loose weight. I would avoid looking in the full length mirror because I had a very poor opinion of myself, my self-esteem was as low as it could get. However, because I was still a functioning member of society and had a full time job and great friends I made sure that my self-confidence was always at the top of it's game, almost to the point of over compensation. No one was aware of how I felt about myself, I put on the self-confidence mask and muscled through.
I lost the weight I was badgered about, and yes I felt better about myself, my self-esteem rose to new heights to equal that of my self-confidence. But that doesn't mean squat because self-esteem can be dashed with one cruel word from someone you trust and respect. It is the most fragile part of our being and in an instant can be gone.
I had a conversation the other day with a supplier to the company I work for. He's a bit of a chatty cathy and our conversations usually take on a life of their own. We were talking about bullying and Amanda Todd and what kids go through these days. Well, the hard and true reality as unfortunate as it is they put themselves in these compromising situations and when the reaction they receive is not what they were hoping for and for the most part not what they expected they are unable to cope with the situation and find themselves with remorse and regret and worse deep depression and anxiety over the repercussions of what they did. I'm not saying they deserve what they get, they don't what I'm getting at is, first it shouldn't have happened in the first place and second why did it happen at all?
Diminished self-esteem and inflated self-confidence. The need to be accepted and loved and the confidence to seek it no matter the form it takes. A scary combination one that will get a young person into a lot of trouble. Why the diminished self-esteem? There can be several factors or one. It's how the individual processes what's thrown at them. As a parent you can do all you can to make sure your child feels good about themselves. As soon as a peer utters one negative statement the self-doubt begins. As I said before, self-esteem is very fragile and can be shattered in the blink of an eye.
So, to compensate self-confidence becomes exaggerated and somewhat of a Super-man, Super-woman complex sets to work. The I'M INDESTRUCTIBLE attitude takes over and dictates what will make those nasty negative comments go away. And that's when the trouble begins. That's when poor decisions are made and that's when they cross lines that should not be crossed.
There is nothing wrong with healthy self-confidence as long as there is a healthy balance of self-esteem and self-respect to go along with it. Once any part is out of balance, disaster is inevitable.
You, are a beautiful person, inside and out. And when someone tries to convince you your not then you have to, and I really mean this, you have to wonder why? Don't look at it as "they must be right" look at it as "what is so wrong with them they need to project onto me?" Not easy I know, but if you are of the mind set that everyone is entitled to their opinion, including yourself then it is easy to shrug it off and walk away.
If you're a teen struggling with this, because acceptance is so very important, keep in mind that their self-esteem is just as fragile as yours, and even though they portray huge self-confidence, their need to diminish others is a direct reflection of their own damages self-esteem.
Tammy.
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