Monday, October 29, 2012

Ownership

The issue of ownership came up this past weekend for me in conversations with a few different people.  Ownership is an interesting word, one that so many people really don't understand on a deeper level than the superficial.

When you own something it's yours, simple.  We think material possessions something tangible.  But ownership goes far deeper.  I'm referring to owning your problems, your issues, your "crap" on a non-tangible personal level.

When you take ownership of your problems you put yourself in a position of dealing with them and becoming a better person in the long run.  Taking ownership is tremendously painful for some, it means letting go of ego and admitting you are not the perfect specimen you make yourself out to be.  Owning your crap means ceasing to project it onto others all that is wrong with you.  We are human we are far from perfect, each and every one of us. We need to first and foremost, own this reality for ourselves.

The conversations I was involved in had to do with adults projecting their crap onto their own offspring, specifically.  It's this projection that inevitably damages relationships, sometimes beyond repair.  When an adult who is seen to be "all knowing" in a child's eyes starts projecting their "crap" onto said child imagine what that does to the psyche of this child.  What did they do to deserve this?  Absolutely nothing.  Yet they are being forced ownership of anothers short comings. 

I know of three instances of parents doing this to their own kids.  How can that be?  Who in their right mind would do this, you ask?  Well those individuals driven by ego.  That's who.  They may see in their child all their bad habits and rather than changing themselves rather than taking ownership, guiding and teaching their children, they point fingers. They tell the child they are wrong even if the infraction is minor, they blow it out of proportion because when viewing it, the "offence" is magnified because it's there, in their head buried under the ego that is struggling to suppress it. 

How can we help these ego driven projectionists.  Honestly I don't think you can.  It would mean pointing out their shortcomings and letting them know they are wrong.  This doesn't bode well for someone who views themselves as perfect. You can address the issue,  but please, expect to have it turned around and handed right back to you, you will now be the cause and owner of brand new "crap". Crap that wasn't yours to begin with.  You cannot change someone.  No matter how hard you try you are wasting your time and effort.  Change only comes when the individual seeking it is ready to invest the time and effort to make such a change.

Ignoring this behaviour is a safe solution, except it doesn't do much to stop this particular form of  abuse.  The projectionist will continue to project and the receiver will continue to receive, and possibly learn to project as a way to protect themselves. Thus creating a whole generation of individuals who cannot own their "crap".

I would so love to see ego driven projectors take ownership but without the desire to do so they will always be who they are.  Your only defence is to figure out how to hand it back to them, say no thank you I don't want this.  A hypothetical example of this would be.  The projector, chastises and criticizes someone for behaving badly (in their opinion) yet the behaviour is similar if not exactly that of the projector.  The projector blames external catalysts for this behaviour unrelated to themselves, however, for themselves it's perfectly acceptable to behave in such a way.  It's acceptable because they don't see it in themselves.  The ego protects them from seeing how they really are and if you call them on it you will see a rage like never before, rage and utter denial.  It's far easier to blame others than to see their own faults. So for the receiver, calling them on it can potentially lead to greater problems.  However if you stand firm and not accept the responsibility of owning what they are projecting then they may see that you are not an easy target after all.  A simple "I don't see it that way" might just set them straight.

Ownership of ones issues, for some, is a difficult task.  Yet for the vast majority of us we understand the requirement to not let our ego dictate how we conduct ourselves.  Yet that minority who doesn't understand seem far louder and destructive.  Why because anything that is harmful to someone else is seen as a

We all know someone who acts this way.  What I would like each and every one of you reading this to do this week is to self asses.  Consider your actions and reactions and ask yourself is this my ego acting or is it me.  AM I projecting onto someone else because I cannot accept that maybe it is my actions and reactions causing this problem.  What AM I doing to contribute to the conflict and how can I re-position myself to OWN my part in it.  We all see the other person as wrong when they don't agree with out position but why not see yourself as the one in the wrong, why not try to see the other persons point of view and find a way to work through the issue without projecting but rather owning your part in it.

I would love to hear feed back on this exercise as I'm hoping to add weekly exercises to help each and every one of you with issues you may be encountering.  Knowing what you need help with will help me develop this page to it's fullest potential.

Thanks for reading,
Tammy.

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