The issue of ownership came up this past weekend for me in conversations with a few different people. Ownership is an interesting word, one that so many people really don't understand on a deeper level than the superficial.
When you own something it's yours, simple. We think material possessions something tangible. But ownership goes far deeper. I'm referring to owning your problems, your issues, your "crap" on a non-tangible personal level.
When you take ownership of your problems you put yourself in a position of dealing with them and becoming a better person in the long run. Taking ownership is tremendously painful for some, it means letting go of ego and admitting you are not the perfect specimen you make yourself out to be. Owning your crap means ceasing to project it onto others all that is wrong with you. We are human we are far from perfect, each and every one of us. We need to first and foremost, own this reality for ourselves.
The conversations I was involved in had to do with adults projecting their crap onto their own offspring, specifically. It's this projection that inevitably damages relationships, sometimes beyond repair. When an adult who is seen to be "all knowing" in a child's eyes starts projecting their "crap" onto said child imagine what that does to the psyche of this child. What did they do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. Yet they are being forced ownership of anothers short comings.
I know of three instances of parents doing this to their own kids. How can that be? Who in their right mind would do this, you ask? Well those individuals driven by ego. That's who. They may see in their child all their bad habits and rather than changing themselves rather than taking ownership, guiding and teaching their children, they point fingers. They tell the child they are wrong even if the infraction is minor, they blow it out of proportion because when viewing it, the "offence" is magnified because it's there, in their head buried under the ego that is struggling to suppress it.
How can we help these ego driven projectionists. Honestly I don't think you can. It would mean pointing out their shortcomings and letting them know they are wrong. This doesn't bode well for someone who views themselves as perfect. You can address the issue, but please, expect to have it turned around and handed right back to you, you will now be the cause and owner of brand new "crap". Crap that wasn't yours to begin with. You cannot change someone. No matter how hard you try you are wasting your time and effort. Change only comes when the individual seeking it is ready to invest the time and effort to make such a change.
Ignoring this behaviour is a safe solution, except it doesn't do much to stop this particular form of abuse. The projectionist will continue to project and the receiver will continue to receive, and possibly learn to project as a way to protect themselves. Thus creating a whole generation of individuals who cannot own their "crap".
I would so love to see ego driven projectors take ownership but without the desire to do so they will always be who they are. Your only defence is to figure out how to hand it back to them, say no thank you I don't want this. A hypothetical example of this would be. The projector, chastises and criticizes someone for behaving badly (in their opinion) yet the behaviour is similar if not exactly that of the projector. The projector blames external catalysts for this behaviour unrelated to themselves, however, for themselves it's perfectly acceptable to behave in such a way. It's acceptable because they don't see it in themselves. The ego protects them from seeing how they really are and if you call them on it you will see a rage like never before, rage and utter denial. It's far easier to blame others than to see their own faults. So for the receiver, calling them on it can potentially lead to greater problems. However if you stand firm and not accept the responsibility of owning what they are projecting then they may see that you are not an easy target after all. A simple "I don't see it that way" might just set them straight.
Ownership of ones issues, for some, is a difficult task. Yet for the vast majority of us we understand the requirement to not let our ego dictate how we conduct ourselves. Yet that minority who doesn't understand seem far louder and destructive. Why because anything that is harmful to someone else is seen as a
We all know someone who acts this way. What I would like each and every one of you reading this to do this week is to self asses. Consider your actions and reactions and ask yourself is this my ego acting or is it me. AM I projecting onto someone else because I cannot accept that maybe it is my actions and reactions causing this problem. What AM I doing to contribute to the conflict and how can I re-position myself to OWN my part in it. We all see the other person as wrong when they don't agree with out position but why not see yourself as the one in the wrong, why not try to see the other persons point of view and find a way to work through the issue without projecting but rather owning your part in it.
I would love to hear feed back on this exercise as I'm hoping to add weekly exercises to help each and every one of you with issues you may be encountering. Knowing what you need help with will help me develop this page to it's fullest potential.
Thanks for reading,
Tammy.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Self-esteem vs. Self-confidence
I've blogged in the past about the importance of self-esteem and in light of current events feel it necessary to expand on the topic. Self esteem is not in and of it's self a stand alone entity, it's partnered hand in hand with self-confidence. How you view yourself is indicative of how you conduct yourself. They are the yin yang of who we are. Balance is crucial and imperative.
It's like the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Can you have self-esteem without self-confidence? Can you have self-confidence without self-esteem? I think you can have a tone of self-confidence and diminished self-esteem. Self-esteem is in essence how you view yourself, correct? Self-confidence is how others view you. You can exude self-confidence yet have a very low opinion of yourself, lets call it being humble. However if you have an elevated sense of self-esteem your self-confidence will also be elevated. Your self-confidence doesn't bolster your self-esteem, it exists in spite of it.
Ya, I know confusing. Let me give you an example. I'll use my personal experience as I know it first hand. I was in a relationship where my partner reminded me on a regular basis that I needed to loose weight. I would avoid looking in the full length mirror because I had a very poor opinion of myself, my self-esteem was as low as it could get. However, because I was still a functioning member of society and had a full time job and great friends I made sure that my self-confidence was always at the top of it's game, almost to the point of over compensation. No one was aware of how I felt about myself, I put on the self-confidence mask and muscled through.
I lost the weight I was badgered about, and yes I felt better about myself, my self-esteem rose to new heights to equal that of my self-confidence. But that doesn't mean squat because self-esteem can be dashed with one cruel word from someone you trust and respect. It is the most fragile part of our being and in an instant can be gone.
I had a conversation the other day with a supplier to the company I work for. He's a bit of a chatty cathy and our conversations usually take on a life of their own. We were talking about bullying and Amanda Todd and what kids go through these days. Well, the hard and true reality as unfortunate as it is they put themselves in these compromising situations and when the reaction they receive is not what they were hoping for and for the most part not what they expected they are unable to cope with the situation and find themselves with remorse and regret and worse deep depression and anxiety over the repercussions of what they did. I'm not saying they deserve what they get, they don't what I'm getting at is, first it shouldn't have happened in the first place and second why did it happen at all?
Diminished self-esteem and inflated self-confidence. The need to be accepted and loved and the confidence to seek it no matter the form it takes. A scary combination one that will get a young person into a lot of trouble. Why the diminished self-esteem? There can be several factors or one. It's how the individual processes what's thrown at them. As a parent you can do all you can to make sure your child feels good about themselves. As soon as a peer utters one negative statement the self-doubt begins. As I said before, self-esteem is very fragile and can be shattered in the blink of an eye.
So, to compensate self-confidence becomes exaggerated and somewhat of a Super-man, Super-woman complex sets to work. The I'M INDESTRUCTIBLE attitude takes over and dictates what will make those nasty negative comments go away. And that's when the trouble begins. That's when poor decisions are made and that's when they cross lines that should not be crossed.
There is nothing wrong with healthy self-confidence as long as there is a healthy balance of self-esteem and self-respect to go along with it. Once any part is out of balance, disaster is inevitable.
You, are a beautiful person, inside and out. And when someone tries to convince you your not then you have to, and I really mean this, you have to wonder why? Don't look at it as "they must be right" look at it as "what is so wrong with them they need to project onto me?" Not easy I know, but if you are of the mind set that everyone is entitled to their opinion, including yourself then it is easy to shrug it off and walk away.
If you're a teen struggling with this, because acceptance is so very important, keep in mind that their self-esteem is just as fragile as yours, and even though they portray huge self-confidence, their need to diminish others is a direct reflection of their own damages self-esteem.
Tammy.
It's like the age old question, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Can you have self-esteem without self-confidence? Can you have self-confidence without self-esteem? I think you can have a tone of self-confidence and diminished self-esteem. Self-esteem is in essence how you view yourself, correct? Self-confidence is how others view you. You can exude self-confidence yet have a very low opinion of yourself, lets call it being humble. However if you have an elevated sense of self-esteem your self-confidence will also be elevated. Your self-confidence doesn't bolster your self-esteem, it exists in spite of it.
Ya, I know confusing. Let me give you an example. I'll use my personal experience as I know it first hand. I was in a relationship where my partner reminded me on a regular basis that I needed to loose weight. I would avoid looking in the full length mirror because I had a very poor opinion of myself, my self-esteem was as low as it could get. However, because I was still a functioning member of society and had a full time job and great friends I made sure that my self-confidence was always at the top of it's game, almost to the point of over compensation. No one was aware of how I felt about myself, I put on the self-confidence mask and muscled through.
I lost the weight I was badgered about, and yes I felt better about myself, my self-esteem rose to new heights to equal that of my self-confidence. But that doesn't mean squat because self-esteem can be dashed with one cruel word from someone you trust and respect. It is the most fragile part of our being and in an instant can be gone.
I had a conversation the other day with a supplier to the company I work for. He's a bit of a chatty cathy and our conversations usually take on a life of their own. We were talking about bullying and Amanda Todd and what kids go through these days. Well, the hard and true reality as unfortunate as it is they put themselves in these compromising situations and when the reaction they receive is not what they were hoping for and for the most part not what they expected they are unable to cope with the situation and find themselves with remorse and regret and worse deep depression and anxiety over the repercussions of what they did. I'm not saying they deserve what they get, they don't what I'm getting at is, first it shouldn't have happened in the first place and second why did it happen at all?
Diminished self-esteem and inflated self-confidence. The need to be accepted and loved and the confidence to seek it no matter the form it takes. A scary combination one that will get a young person into a lot of trouble. Why the diminished self-esteem? There can be several factors or one. It's how the individual processes what's thrown at them. As a parent you can do all you can to make sure your child feels good about themselves. As soon as a peer utters one negative statement the self-doubt begins. As I said before, self-esteem is very fragile and can be shattered in the blink of an eye.
So, to compensate self-confidence becomes exaggerated and somewhat of a Super-man, Super-woman complex sets to work. The I'M INDESTRUCTIBLE attitude takes over and dictates what will make those nasty negative comments go away. And that's when the trouble begins. That's when poor decisions are made and that's when they cross lines that should not be crossed.
There is nothing wrong with healthy self-confidence as long as there is a healthy balance of self-esteem and self-respect to go along with it. Once any part is out of balance, disaster is inevitable.
You, are a beautiful person, inside and out. And when someone tries to convince you your not then you have to, and I really mean this, you have to wonder why? Don't look at it as "they must be right" look at it as "what is so wrong with them they need to project onto me?" Not easy I know, but if you are of the mind set that everyone is entitled to their opinion, including yourself then it is easy to shrug it off and walk away.
If you're a teen struggling with this, because acceptance is so very important, keep in mind that their self-esteem is just as fragile as yours, and even though they portray huge self-confidence, their need to diminish others is a direct reflection of their own damages self-esteem.
Tammy.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Change
They say, you know them, they know EVERYTHING, that people don't really change. That you can't "change" someone and that it's unfair of you to even want to. I don't feel this is entirely accurate. Change is possible but it's also personal. You can not force someone to change who they are. More often than not when we say "you've changed" it's our personal perception that has changed.
How we see others determines what we feel needs to be changed. Who's right? Are you right to think someone needs changing? Are they right for wanting to stay the way they are? Try this, what is it that you are perceiving that needs to change? Your perception, that's what.
What brought this to light was a conversation about how people change. They really don't but they do conduct themselves differently in certain situations. For example. I know a couple who were for all intents and purposes relatively compatible in the beginning of their relationship. Now add kids and things change, why? Because the woman now has a new focus and her partners perspective of her in this new roll was no longer the same as it was before kids. Her perspective of him changed because he started reacting differently because of his perception. See where I'm going with this?
So, fast forward several years, nothing seems to work to get them to perceive each other as they did in the beginning. This has caused irreparable damage to their relationship and thus the end is eminent.
Again lets skip ahead a few years. Both individuals have such resentment towards each other because they are both blaming the other for the demise of the relationship and damage it has done to the family unit. However both are in relationships with new partners and the perception is that they are happy and have "changed" for the better. Not so, they simply are with someone who perceives them differently than the original partner therefore until that perception changes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
The original partner knows that the new person is only perceiving what their ex is portraying. There will come a time or event that changes that perception and it can either mark the end of the new relationship or they manage to work through it and accept the new perception.
It's not the person who is perceive to have changed, it's the person who's perception of the other that has changed. It doesn't mean the person perceiving has changed it means they are no longer in agreement or compatible with this new perception.
A simple analogy for you. Take a retractable pen, click it open. The pen is now a useful tool that can be used to write a letter, sign a cheque, fill out an entry form. We perceive an open pen as useful. Now close it. Pretend it can never be open again, or you just don't want to try opening it because it's a physically draining task. It's still a pen but how we now see it is it's useless. Did the pen change? Well, it's less open to being a useful tool because it refuses to open but by definition it's still a pen.
Like people we are either open to being perceived one way, or we are not. My ex I'm sure perceives me differently than he does his new girlfriend. Why wouldn't he, she's giving him the perception that she is compatible to his personality. She probably is, until his perception of her changes.
My perception of him is the same as the day I left him, it's not anything close to the perception I had when we were first together. Why? Not because he changed but because his perception of me changed. I was no longer the person, in his mind, that he started our relationship with. I know my perception of him changed because I no longer saw him the same way as well. And in our case this was a really bad thing for our relationship.
It's hard to accept ownership of our personal change of perception. We would rather put the blame on others, far easier on the self esteem I imagine. But really we are our own worst enemies. You know full well when you are starting a relationship all the things about the other person you dislike, but your overall perception is positive because you want the relationship to work. Eventually who you are, your perception takes over and those little things become big things once the relationship is comfortable and your perception slowly but surely starts to change. Not them, those things were always there, they didn't change. How you see them is what changed.
So you see, if you want to keep a relationship strong, see them as they are warts and all, accept them for who they are don't assume they will always be the same person you fell in love with because they won't be when your perception changes, or theirs of you changes. What is key is to recognise when your perception is changing and address that, take ownership of it and make sure it's something you can either live with or work with. Otherwise, your reaction to this change in perception will facilitate theirs and now you have a chain reaction that might never stop until you end the relationship all together.
Had I know this fifteen years ago I would have tried a lot harder to make my marriage work. I didn't want to end up this way, but because I didn't have the clarity I do now I felt I didn't have any other option. What I didn't realise was my change in perception facilitated by his also facilitated his change in perception of me. No going back now, not that I could change my perception of him, but what I can do is take ownership for my part and let it go.
Tammy.
How we see others determines what we feel needs to be changed. Who's right? Are you right to think someone needs changing? Are they right for wanting to stay the way they are? Try this, what is it that you are perceiving that needs to change? Your perception, that's what.
What brought this to light was a conversation about how people change. They really don't but they do conduct themselves differently in certain situations. For example. I know a couple who were for all intents and purposes relatively compatible in the beginning of their relationship. Now add kids and things change, why? Because the woman now has a new focus and her partners perspective of her in this new roll was no longer the same as it was before kids. Her perspective of him changed because he started reacting differently because of his perception. See where I'm going with this?
So, fast forward several years, nothing seems to work to get them to perceive each other as they did in the beginning. This has caused irreparable damage to their relationship and thus the end is eminent.
Again lets skip ahead a few years. Both individuals have such resentment towards each other because they are both blaming the other for the demise of the relationship and damage it has done to the family unit. However both are in relationships with new partners and the perception is that they are happy and have "changed" for the better. Not so, they simply are with someone who perceives them differently than the original partner therefore until that perception changes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
The original partner knows that the new person is only perceiving what their ex is portraying. There will come a time or event that changes that perception and it can either mark the end of the new relationship or they manage to work through it and accept the new perception.
It's not the person who is perceive to have changed, it's the person who's perception of the other that has changed. It doesn't mean the person perceiving has changed it means they are no longer in agreement or compatible with this new perception.
A simple analogy for you. Take a retractable pen, click it open. The pen is now a useful tool that can be used to write a letter, sign a cheque, fill out an entry form. We perceive an open pen as useful. Now close it. Pretend it can never be open again, or you just don't want to try opening it because it's a physically draining task. It's still a pen but how we now see it is it's useless. Did the pen change? Well, it's less open to being a useful tool because it refuses to open but by definition it's still a pen.
Like people we are either open to being perceived one way, or we are not. My ex I'm sure perceives me differently than he does his new girlfriend. Why wouldn't he, she's giving him the perception that she is compatible to his personality. She probably is, until his perception of her changes.
My perception of him is the same as the day I left him, it's not anything close to the perception I had when we were first together. Why? Not because he changed but because his perception of me changed. I was no longer the person, in his mind, that he started our relationship with. I know my perception of him changed because I no longer saw him the same way as well. And in our case this was a really bad thing for our relationship.
It's hard to accept ownership of our personal change of perception. We would rather put the blame on others, far easier on the self esteem I imagine. But really we are our own worst enemies. You know full well when you are starting a relationship all the things about the other person you dislike, but your overall perception is positive because you want the relationship to work. Eventually who you are, your perception takes over and those little things become big things once the relationship is comfortable and your perception slowly but surely starts to change. Not them, those things were always there, they didn't change. How you see them is what changed.
So you see, if you want to keep a relationship strong, see them as they are warts and all, accept them for who they are don't assume they will always be the same person you fell in love with because they won't be when your perception changes, or theirs of you changes. What is key is to recognise when your perception is changing and address that, take ownership of it and make sure it's something you can either live with or work with. Otherwise, your reaction to this change in perception will facilitate theirs and now you have a chain reaction that might never stop until you end the relationship all together.
Had I know this fifteen years ago I would have tried a lot harder to make my marriage work. I didn't want to end up this way, but because I didn't have the clarity I do now I felt I didn't have any other option. What I didn't realise was my change in perception facilitated by his also facilitated his change in perception of me. No going back now, not that I could change my perception of him, but what I can do is take ownership for my part and let it go.
Tammy.
Monday, May 28, 2012
My Favourite Job
I really love being a mom. I know it sounds cliche but it's true. It's an awesome job! It's challenging, it's frustrating, it's heart wrenching but most of all it's so rewarding. It's the best full time gig I could ask for. It's 24/7 365, there are no vacations, no monetary compensation and no performance reviews or cost of living increases to be had. The payback is in seeing your babies mature into amazing teenagers and eventually adults. No greater job is there on this planet.
I say this because I have two wonderful teenagers. They have their moments but that's part of my job to help them through their issues. They may fight and resist my help but in the end they come around and a lesson is taught, learned and accepted. I am "hated" and "loved" in the same sentence, I'm their worst nightmare, an embarrassment and insult to their fragile psyche's. I'm the one they turn to in a crisis, I am their shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and the best two arms to wrap around them and make them feel safe.
It's because they feel safe that they can express themselves in what ever form that takes. AND only a mom can understand that. Not that dad's are bad their not, they just don't react in the same way to their child screaming at them that they hate them. I recently had a conversation with a female friend and we both agree our kids respond differently to us than their fathers. It's not good or bad, it's just different and the way it is, period.
Unless mom is incapable of nurturing, that's what we are designed for. It is our jobs as moms to ensure the social, emotional, mental and in some ways physical well being of our children. It's dad's job to ensure they know how to survive, the whole "hunter, gatherer" aspect.
What makes this dynamic difficult is when either parent crosses the line and assumes control. For example. Your child is in the midst of a meltdown, can be subtle or obvious and they are lashing out at you, mom, because they are incapable of dealing with their emotions and can't fully express themselves as we-adults, can. We have learned not to throw a tantrum because we aren't able to find the "words" to convey our thoughts or feelings towards a specific situation. So, said child is flipping out at mom, dad steps in and in a raised voice demands the child not "talk to your mother that way!". Understandably dad wants to protect mom from the evil that has obviously possessed the child.
One of two things will happen, the child will crumble into a sobbing mass or retaliate and redirect to dad making the situation worse because no dad sees the war erupting. So what do you do? Well at this point there is usually an angry exchange between parents in front of the child which redirects the issue from the child to the parents creating further conflict. My suggestion would be, let mom deal with the child directing their anger or frustration at them. We are far betting equipped to handle the situation in a manner that is less damaging to the parent child relationship.
Moms are the best negotiators, and deal makers. We have guilt on our side. No child really wants to hurt the woman they've bonded with from birth. They just need to get out of their system what ever is bothering them and mom's can handle it. Just this morning, my son told me he hated me. He didn't mean it, he was tired and I woke him to give him his medication. In the very next breath he said "thanks, I love you mom". I didn't totally ignore the "I hate you", I told him "I hate you too, now take your pill." This is just talk, now there have been times when he's been disrespectful and I have definitely corrected him on it. I don't flip out I explain that when he's disrespectful it tells me that he is not deserving of my or any one's respect in return.
Please don't get me wrong, there are tones of nurturing dads out there, they are rare but they exist. I hope to teach my son to be nurturing to his kids and a help to his wife not a hindrance when I comes to dealing with his kids. Oh, and he plans on having six so he better be understanding. Boys today are capable of being nurturing, I think as parents we are far more aware of the need to raise our boys differently than our parents generation. I didn't have brothers but my ex had two, both his brothers have only girls, we had the only boy in the mix and their parenting methods has had to change from what they learned from their parents. With the exception of my son the girls are definitely treated differently by his dad and his dad's parents who only knew boys.
My parents had two girls, they have no idea how to raise a boy and with their grandson, again the only grandson until recently when he was joined by their great-grandson they had no idea how different boys are, naturally, from girls. BUT, being the parents and grandparents of mostly girls they completely understand the need to nurture, or at the very least on my dad's part, the need to let the mom/grandma/great-grandma nurture. It's our job, by default, it's our job.
So regardless of your personal experience on this topic, or opinion. This might give you some insight as to why the mother of your children seems complacent with certain bad behaviour. It's not because we don't care, it's because we do at a level only a mom can understand. We are not the superficial caregivers we appear to be we are so deeply connected we see beyond the behaviour to the root cause. And we don't take it personally so please don't assume we do.
Tammy.
I say this because I have two wonderful teenagers. They have their moments but that's part of my job to help them through their issues. They may fight and resist my help but in the end they come around and a lesson is taught, learned and accepted. I am "hated" and "loved" in the same sentence, I'm their worst nightmare, an embarrassment and insult to their fragile psyche's. I'm the one they turn to in a crisis, I am their shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and the best two arms to wrap around them and make them feel safe.
It's because they feel safe that they can express themselves in what ever form that takes. AND only a mom can understand that. Not that dad's are bad their not, they just don't react in the same way to their child screaming at them that they hate them. I recently had a conversation with a female friend and we both agree our kids respond differently to us than their fathers. It's not good or bad, it's just different and the way it is, period.
Unless mom is incapable of nurturing, that's what we are designed for. It is our jobs as moms to ensure the social, emotional, mental and in some ways physical well being of our children. It's dad's job to ensure they know how to survive, the whole "hunter, gatherer" aspect.
What makes this dynamic difficult is when either parent crosses the line and assumes control. For example. Your child is in the midst of a meltdown, can be subtle or obvious and they are lashing out at you, mom, because they are incapable of dealing with their emotions and can't fully express themselves as we-adults, can. We have learned not to throw a tantrum because we aren't able to find the "words" to convey our thoughts or feelings towards a specific situation. So, said child is flipping out at mom, dad steps in and in a raised voice demands the child not "talk to your mother that way!". Understandably dad wants to protect mom from the evil that has obviously possessed the child.
One of two things will happen, the child will crumble into a sobbing mass or retaliate and redirect to dad making the situation worse because no dad sees the war erupting. So what do you do? Well at this point there is usually an angry exchange between parents in front of the child which redirects the issue from the child to the parents creating further conflict. My suggestion would be, let mom deal with the child directing their anger or frustration at them. We are far betting equipped to handle the situation in a manner that is less damaging to the parent child relationship.
Moms are the best negotiators, and deal makers. We have guilt on our side. No child really wants to hurt the woman they've bonded with from birth. They just need to get out of their system what ever is bothering them and mom's can handle it. Just this morning, my son told me he hated me. He didn't mean it, he was tired and I woke him to give him his medication. In the very next breath he said "thanks, I love you mom". I didn't totally ignore the "I hate you", I told him "I hate you too, now take your pill." This is just talk, now there have been times when he's been disrespectful and I have definitely corrected him on it. I don't flip out I explain that when he's disrespectful it tells me that he is not deserving of my or any one's respect in return.
Please don't get me wrong, there are tones of nurturing dads out there, they are rare but they exist. I hope to teach my son to be nurturing to his kids and a help to his wife not a hindrance when I comes to dealing with his kids. Oh, and he plans on having six so he better be understanding. Boys today are capable of being nurturing, I think as parents we are far more aware of the need to raise our boys differently than our parents generation. I didn't have brothers but my ex had two, both his brothers have only girls, we had the only boy in the mix and their parenting methods has had to change from what they learned from their parents. With the exception of my son the girls are definitely treated differently by his dad and his dad's parents who only knew boys.
My parents had two girls, they have no idea how to raise a boy and with their grandson, again the only grandson until recently when he was joined by their great-grandson they had no idea how different boys are, naturally, from girls. BUT, being the parents and grandparents of mostly girls they completely understand the need to nurture, or at the very least on my dad's part, the need to let the mom/grandma/great-grandma nurture. It's our job, by default, it's our job.
So regardless of your personal experience on this topic, or opinion. This might give you some insight as to why the mother of your children seems complacent with certain bad behaviour. It's not because we don't care, it's because we do at a level only a mom can understand. We are not the superficial caregivers we appear to be we are so deeply connected we see beyond the behaviour to the root cause. And we don't take it personally so please don't assume we do.
Tammy.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Lost
I recently engaged in a series of pm's with an old friend. Now when I say old, I don't mean age, although... This person has been an important part of my life for just over twenty seven years. And although there have been literally years between contact I still hold this individual close to my heart for all the crap they've endured.
Most recently a very messy split from their spouse and subsequent legal battle. This is taking it's toll on my friend and during the pm's they indicated they felt lost, that they didn't know who they were any longer, that all this crap has hardened them and they feel disconnected to the real them.
I explained that this is a way of protecting one's self in the midst of crisis. It's putting up shields and disconnecting so you can deal with the situation from outside yourself. It's protection it's a natural defence mechanism that will inevitably make you "feel" like you're not yourself any longer.
I know this feeling well. I experienced it when I had the fateful conversation with my ex when I told him I couldn't do this any longer with him. There was no fear, no emotion, nothing, just words coming from a body I was only partially inhabiting at that moment. It's an odd surreal feeling and if it's prolonged it will lead to feelings of being lost or a fraction of the person you were.
Once you're through the crisis, really done with it you will re-connect. You will fall back into yourself and feel whole again. It will happen as long as the issues you are dealing with are dealt with. Your brain is protecting the vulnerable emotional side of you so you can get through this and if you don't, if you run and hide and try to avoid the issues you are needing to have closure on you will always be lost to your self.
For a first time experience of this it will feel permanent. Like there is no way you will ever be the same again and rightfully so, you won't. You will have learned very valuable lessons from this experience and you will have the opportunity to grow from it. Don't look at it as a bad thing, this could end up being one of the most important transformational moments of your life, embrace it and own it, most of all learn from it.
That shield will fall away and you will be whole again, you will be a better stronger version of yourself and you will have the copping tools to withstand pretty much anything life throws your way. This is just another version of yourself, one, up until now you had never met. It's still you, just different for a little while.
Tammy.
Most recently a very messy split from their spouse and subsequent legal battle. This is taking it's toll on my friend and during the pm's they indicated they felt lost, that they didn't know who they were any longer, that all this crap has hardened them and they feel disconnected to the real them.
I explained that this is a way of protecting one's self in the midst of crisis. It's putting up shields and disconnecting so you can deal with the situation from outside yourself. It's protection it's a natural defence mechanism that will inevitably make you "feel" like you're not yourself any longer.
I know this feeling well. I experienced it when I had the fateful conversation with my ex when I told him I couldn't do this any longer with him. There was no fear, no emotion, nothing, just words coming from a body I was only partially inhabiting at that moment. It's an odd surreal feeling and if it's prolonged it will lead to feelings of being lost or a fraction of the person you were.
Once you're through the crisis, really done with it you will re-connect. You will fall back into yourself and feel whole again. It will happen as long as the issues you are dealing with are dealt with. Your brain is protecting the vulnerable emotional side of you so you can get through this and if you don't, if you run and hide and try to avoid the issues you are needing to have closure on you will always be lost to your self.
For a first time experience of this it will feel permanent. Like there is no way you will ever be the same again and rightfully so, you won't. You will have learned very valuable lessons from this experience and you will have the opportunity to grow from it. Don't look at it as a bad thing, this could end up being one of the most important transformational moments of your life, embrace it and own it, most of all learn from it.
That shield will fall away and you will be whole again, you will be a better stronger version of yourself and you will have the copping tools to withstand pretty much anything life throws your way. This is just another version of yourself, one, up until now you had never met. It's still you, just different for a little while.
Tammy.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Head Shaker
I read an interesting string of, well, let's call them "posts". No, no not on facebook, everyone here is safe! The thing about these posts was how completely twisted and off topic they ended up. The original query in the first post had pretty much nothing to do with the final post and all the while the individual writing these posts is obviously and utterly mentally unstable.
Why do I say this? Well because each of these posts as vile and disgusting as they were, were ended with odd little "niceties".
Example: (this is the vile part) blah blah blah, it's your fault, blah blah blah you're causing this to happen blah blah blah (can't go into detail but it wasn't pretty) and then in one sentence all by itself (again just an example) Have a nice day :)
This was odd beyond comprehension. I had never really seen a crazy mind at work but if this is what insanity looks like then this person shouldn't be allowed to use sharp anything, and might want to consider medication?? WOW all through the posts I found my self uttering the same thing WOW, oh, and shaking my head too.
The sad part is this poor soul thinks they are right and justified. It's laughable because these detrimental posts will be their undoing and rightfully so because of the damage they have caused. Maybe this is karma catching up maybe it's just poetic justice that this idiot finally gets what's owed. And I mean idiot in the clinical term because this individual definitely suffers from idiocy. It's the universe balancing the scales, at long last there is a shift.
So as these posts amazed and baffled the readers they also gave very clear insight and well, evidence of the inconsistent nature of the writer. The manipulation and incongruity in the way in which they conduct themselves has me wondering if this is the result of not getting what they want because that certainly isn't going to happen. Or if this person is just so black and dead inside they don't see how truly destructive they are. Another reason to shake the coconut.
Anyway, as it turns out this will have a happy ending for those who deserve it and maybe a little slap in the face for the instigator. A little shock therapy as it were might do the trick, then again, considering the depth of the insanity I think only a lobotomy would help.
Still shaking my head,
Tammy.
Why do I say this? Well because each of these posts as vile and disgusting as they were, were ended with odd little "niceties".
Example: (this is the vile part) blah blah blah, it's your fault, blah blah blah you're causing this to happen blah blah blah (can't go into detail but it wasn't pretty) and then in one sentence all by itself (again just an example) Have a nice day :)
This was odd beyond comprehension. I had never really seen a crazy mind at work but if this is what insanity looks like then this person shouldn't be allowed to use sharp anything, and might want to consider medication?? WOW all through the posts I found my self uttering the same thing WOW, oh, and shaking my head too.
The sad part is this poor soul thinks they are right and justified. It's laughable because these detrimental posts will be their undoing and rightfully so because of the damage they have caused. Maybe this is karma catching up maybe it's just poetic justice that this idiot finally gets what's owed. And I mean idiot in the clinical term because this individual definitely suffers from idiocy. It's the universe balancing the scales, at long last there is a shift.
So as these posts amazed and baffled the readers they also gave very clear insight and well, evidence of the inconsistent nature of the writer. The manipulation and incongruity in the way in which they conduct themselves has me wondering if this is the result of not getting what they want because that certainly isn't going to happen. Or if this person is just so black and dead inside they don't see how truly destructive they are. Another reason to shake the coconut.
Anyway, as it turns out this will have a happy ending for those who deserve it and maybe a little slap in the face for the instigator. A little shock therapy as it were might do the trick, then again, considering the depth of the insanity I think only a lobotomy would help.
Still shaking my head,
Tammy.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Teenagers.
I remember my teenage years, I don't recall being "difficult" I don't think I was. My sister on the other hand, well she was a handful to say the least. :)
One thing I to remember is being taught to respect my elders. If I didn't then there would be hell to pay. I recall being upset with my dad, and literally whispering under my breath "shut-up" well, my mom heard and ya, I was grounded for two weeks. Believe me, that was painful because that was way back when teens didn't have cell phones or facebook accounts or laptops or any other multi media device that contributes to anti-social behaviour. Back in my day if you wanted to see your friends you called them on a telephone, or made plans at school to meet up at the mall or where ever the cool place was to go.
Today, kids it seems have very little respect for their elders. They are handed everything on a silver platter and have no idea what it means to work for their myriad of gadgets. For the most part at least, I do know a few rare teens out there who do work for what they want and they do have a sense of respect for adults but honestly those are the very rare exception.
If there are parents of soon to be tweens out there reading this here's some advice. Start now, instilling in your kids that they can't have everything their hearts desire without a little effort on their part. Giving your kids everything will back fire on you I guarantee. You are starting a process of narcissistic behaviour and if you don't watch out you will be dealing with extremely difficult if not abusive teens when the time arrives.
My kids 15, and 13 1/2 get weekly "pep talks" about proper behaviour and attitude about appreciation and the requirement for hard work to attain their earthly desires. They are rewarded for their accomplishments and are punished for inappropriate behaviour. There is no uttered threat without follow through. If I say something will be removed after a first warning, there are no second or third warnings, it's gone. They know this because they have tested the waters and learned early I will not stand for their b.s. just like my parents didn't.
One thing that I do notice is how many teens out there are absolutely horrible to their parents. It's mind boggling to hear or see how these "entitled brats" treat their parents. My kids know I will not tolerate such disrespect and if they try there will be hell to pay. That doesn't make me a mean mom, I'm quite nice to my kids because they deserve that, and in return I deserve their respect, period. But what if your rotten kid doesn't see it that way? What if he or she thinks your world revolves around them? Then what? Is it a result of bad parenting? No, not necessarily, but rather a result of enabling.
Kids need guidance and mentoring, if you feel that you must give your child everything they ask for, and do not follow through on punishing bad behaviour you are enabling narcissistic behaviour whether you like it or not, you are teaching them this is how you act when you want something and if you don't get it you throw a tantrum until you do get your way. As painful as it may seem they need to know the meaning of the word NO and they need to respect your decision to use the word NO. They have no problem tossing it about when they don't want to do something you've asked right? And they expect you to respect their rights don't they, why not expect the same in return.
You have to lay the ground work early. You have to let your kids know you will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour and that proper behaviour will be rewarded. You have to follow through on threats of discipline and you have to be firm, not wishy washy. All the "experts" say the same thing, kids need to be taught. Taught everything about life, they are not born all knowing, even though I know my fair share of know it all teenagers, they haven't got a clue how idiotic they look and act. It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad.
All I can hope for anyone out there reading this is that they look at this objectively and not say "oh, this isn't about me because I don't enable my kid." Well, that's great, but I bet you're in denial. Everyone does it, even I do it and immediately regret it and have to back peddle to correct MY behaviour, usually it's not too late but sometimes I have to follow through on promises and just eat crow. I guarantee though I don't get caught a second time. One thing to keep in mind, kids are master manipulators they learn at a very young age what works with their parents and what doesn't, you need to catch them at this game and turn it around because when they get out in the real world they are in for a shock.
Thanks for reading,
Tammy.
One thing I to remember is being taught to respect my elders. If I didn't then there would be hell to pay. I recall being upset with my dad, and literally whispering under my breath "shut-up" well, my mom heard and ya, I was grounded for two weeks. Believe me, that was painful because that was way back when teens didn't have cell phones or facebook accounts or laptops or any other multi media device that contributes to anti-social behaviour. Back in my day if you wanted to see your friends you called them on a telephone, or made plans at school to meet up at the mall or where ever the cool place was to go.
Today, kids it seems have very little respect for their elders. They are handed everything on a silver platter and have no idea what it means to work for their myriad of gadgets. For the most part at least, I do know a few rare teens out there who do work for what they want and they do have a sense of respect for adults but honestly those are the very rare exception.
If there are parents of soon to be tweens out there reading this here's some advice. Start now, instilling in your kids that they can't have everything their hearts desire without a little effort on their part. Giving your kids everything will back fire on you I guarantee. You are starting a process of narcissistic behaviour and if you don't watch out you will be dealing with extremely difficult if not abusive teens when the time arrives.
My kids 15, and 13 1/2 get weekly "pep talks" about proper behaviour and attitude about appreciation and the requirement for hard work to attain their earthly desires. They are rewarded for their accomplishments and are punished for inappropriate behaviour. There is no uttered threat without follow through. If I say something will be removed after a first warning, there are no second or third warnings, it's gone. They know this because they have tested the waters and learned early I will not stand for their b.s. just like my parents didn't.
One thing that I do notice is how many teens out there are absolutely horrible to their parents. It's mind boggling to hear or see how these "entitled brats" treat their parents. My kids know I will not tolerate such disrespect and if they try there will be hell to pay. That doesn't make me a mean mom, I'm quite nice to my kids because they deserve that, and in return I deserve their respect, period. But what if your rotten kid doesn't see it that way? What if he or she thinks your world revolves around them? Then what? Is it a result of bad parenting? No, not necessarily, but rather a result of enabling.
Kids need guidance and mentoring, if you feel that you must give your child everything they ask for, and do not follow through on punishing bad behaviour you are enabling narcissistic behaviour whether you like it or not, you are teaching them this is how you act when you want something and if you don't get it you throw a tantrum until you do get your way. As painful as it may seem they need to know the meaning of the word NO and they need to respect your decision to use the word NO. They have no problem tossing it about when they don't want to do something you've asked right? And they expect you to respect their rights don't they, why not expect the same in return.
You have to lay the ground work early. You have to let your kids know you will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour and that proper behaviour will be rewarded. You have to follow through on threats of discipline and you have to be firm, not wishy washy. All the "experts" say the same thing, kids need to be taught. Taught everything about life, they are not born all knowing, even though I know my fair share of know it all teenagers, they haven't got a clue how idiotic they look and act. It's almost comical if it wasn't so sad.
All I can hope for anyone out there reading this is that they look at this objectively and not say "oh, this isn't about me because I don't enable my kid." Well, that's great, but I bet you're in denial. Everyone does it, even I do it and immediately regret it and have to back peddle to correct MY behaviour, usually it's not too late but sometimes I have to follow through on promises and just eat crow. I guarantee though I don't get caught a second time. One thing to keep in mind, kids are master manipulators they learn at a very young age what works with their parents and what doesn't, you need to catch them at this game and turn it around because when they get out in the real world they are in for a shock.
Thanks for reading,
Tammy.
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