Letting go of anything is difficult, we are creatures who cherish our belongings more so than any other species on this planet. We place sentimental value on our possessions and along with that our thoughts and feelings. We attach and it's very traumatic at time to detach.
Like a child and their favourite toy. There is comfort and safety associated with it. My son still has his first teddy, given to him the day he was born. Blue Bear is still a comfort for him even now and he's hard pressed to detach himself. One day he will, and forcing him to let go would cause stress he doesn't need. After all his attachment to Blue Bear is innocent and not harmful. Of course his mom telling the world about it might one day upset him but for sake of example I think he'd understand.
As children we form our first attachments. To our parents, mom first then dad, to our extended family, to our possessions and eventually to our friends. Sometimes things change and we are forced to detach, this causes trauma and is distressing especially in the case of a child who may not understand the circumstances behind these changes.
There is confusion, hurt, anger, frustration and a real sense of loss. It is unfair to tell the person to "just get over it." or "you need to let it go." Yes that's how we see it looking in, but who the hell are we to determine the ability or capacity of the person living this trauma to "just get over it" or "let it go" we are not in their shoes we do not feel the anxiety that comes from this loss and we can only imagine what they are feeling.
Even if you've been through what they are going through it's still different. Everyone processes differently. What seems like no big deal to some is catastrophic to others. You cannot reasonably assume you know what is right. All you can do is offer your story and how you dealt with a similar situation, you can be a supportive listener and shoulder to cry on. You can not definitively say what will work and what won't. We did not come with a user manual and to assume you know what is best for some one because it was best for you may lead to even bigger problems for the person you are trying to help.
Letting go of a toxic situation or individual seems frighteningly more difficult and I can only surmise it's because they have instilled in us an immense amount of fear and uncertainty. Fear that we could not survive without them and uncertainty of how they might react if we try to let go. An abusive spouse, man or woman, will always fain remorse after an assault. They claim they love their victim, that it will never happen again and truly skilled abusers will somehow make it the fault of the victim, this diminishes the victims self esteem and eventually the abused believes that all their problems are a direct result of their actions and not the abuser. They are lead to believe that they wouldn't survive without the abuser and therefore the attachment grows stronger.
When the abused finally has had enough and hopefully this is long before their life is endangered, they make a bold and very brave move and remove themselves from the situation. Or someone in authority makes the change for them. Why is it then that so many return to their abuser? Well, because they are so attached they believe they will surely perish without their abuser.
I was recently asked why someone missed their abuser. I'm going to elaborate on the answer because I've had time to think about it. I feel it's because the abuser has lead the victim to believe they need them. When we feel we are needed we equate that with love and we all want to be loved even if it means taking a beating now and then. We blame ourselves and learn to cope, after all we get the affection after the fight right? Did there need to be a fight in the first place?
Our attachments whether healthy or not are who we are, who we define ourselves as, for all the world to see. Some we keep private, some we advertise, some we don't even realise we have. Letting go while terrifying can also be liberating! BUT you have to do it on your terms in your time and don't let anyone tell you what will work for you, only you know that. Only you can determine your time line and what you are comfortable with, even if you are uncomfortable with it, there is still a comfort level to be attained. It will happen when you are ready for it to happen.
The thing to keep in mind is, the attachment is yours to keep or discard. It's not forced on you it's not a life sentence and it's not within your control to determine the length of time you will have this attachment. Sometimes circumstance tears the attachment from you physically, but emotionally the ties are still there. The loss of a loved one for example is a sudden detachment physically but emotionally it my never detach. How you cope is what is key to surviving without your attachment.
One thing I've recommended is writing. Write it down and get it out of your head. For some this works for others not so much, it's up to you to decide. Talking about it works as well, talk until you're sick of hearing it. Eventually you will let go and you will feel liberated and you will know that you did the right thing for you. Not because someone told you to but because you made a conscious decision to move on.
Tammy.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
When A Good Relationship Goes Bad
We don't enter into a relationship with the notion that this is short term, not usually anyway. Typically we hope for long term commitment and the first year is usually pretty great, they honeymoon phase if you will. Then you settle in and each of you are now comfortable revealing you true colours to each other. Sometimes your colours compliment each other sometimes they clash.
When we are in a new relationship we are unsure of our status with the other person, we try really hard to impress and are willing to compromise on issues that normally we wouldn't in an effort to ensure the other persons happiness. Why does that have to change? When does it change? What do we do to facilitate that change?
Relationships fall into three categories. First the honeymoon phase, as mentioned above. Second the fashion assassin phase and Third the colour blind phase.
Honeymoon Phase: This can last up to three years depending on the compatibility of the couple.
You know that period when you are first discovering each other, learning what pleases and what doesn't actually making an effort to ensure your new found loves happiness. Doing those little things to please them and being very appreciative of their efforts. It's a lot of figgin work and after a while we have to wean ourselves off the constant niceties. The trick here is to not go cold turkey but to maintain a level that will sustain you into the Fashion Assassin Phase.
Fashion Assassin Phase: This is where your true colours either clash or compliment and the duration is dependant on how you "look" together.
This can be long and happy if you compliment each other, and not in the verbal sense, however that helps. Are you the Yin to his Yang? Are you balanced as a couple and as individuals, do you embrace each others differences and compliment each other on what a great team you make. Congratulations you will likely move onto the colour blind phase with little conflict.
However if your colours clash you will know it and fast. Once the honeymoon phase passes and that knight in shining armour turns into an idiot in tin foil what do you do? Continue in the relationship hoping and praying that maybe he's just on vacation and will return to sweep you off your feet? Good luck with that. People are incapable of changing their true colours, their nature is what it is. No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in, if the other person is a lazy procrastinator or controlling and manipulative you will not change that.
Keep in mind however that what you see is reflected back on you. You see them as lazy they may see you as a controlling nag. Be careful of what you accuse them of because they will have also formed an opinion of you bases on what they see. This is a recipe for disaster, this is why couples run into problems. It's not necessarily outside influences, however that can play a part. It's simply because their colours clash.
One thing I have observed in my relationships is that opposites while initially attract they are and always will be opposite or opposing. My ex is an extrovert I'm an introvert it was exhausting listening to him prattle on about how great he is and for him my lack of expression was read as a lack of interest, not true at first but eventually I did lose interest. My current partner is an introvert maybe even more so than me and it has lead to a lack of communication. It's all about balance, extremes of either personality will set the relationship out of balance. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.
There are couples out there who compliment each other perfectly, this doesn't mean their relationship is perfect but they have the balance necessary to facilitate harmony in the relationship. They are not fashion assassins but well co-ordinated with all the right accessories and matching shoes. You know those couples, the ones most of the rest of us envy they have it all together right? Not necessarily trust me there is no such thing as the perfect couple, they just know how to continue complimenting each other in the face of adversity because they have balance.
Colour Blind Phase: This is reserved for couples who have made it through child rearing years and are so accustom to each others colours they have become colour blind to them. My parents for example.
My parents have been married for almost 44 years and they are the epitome of colour blind. They exist together because that's what they have always done. There colours have melded together creating an entirely new colour that is undetectable to the naked eye they are uni-coloured. This doesn't mean they have no individual personality, my parents are very different from each other it's just that over the past 44 years they have adapted to each others colours blending them and creating balance where there may not have been.
I remember growing up, my mom was the disciplinarian, with two daughters it's really no wonder, yet we were terrified or our dad. Not in a way that we though he would hurt us, more so in that we didn't want to see what would happen if we did piss him off. My dad's a big man with a big voice and you didn't need a cell phone to be called home for dinner you just needed my dad standing in the front door hollering for us, and you came running as soon as you heard the first bellow.
What do you do if there is no hope of balance or compliment? Do you continue to force that square peg into the round hole or do you give up and find a round peg? It depends on you conviction and commitment to the relationship as well as the other persons conviction and commitment. BUT you need to talk about it. You can't sit and stew about how your partner seems to ignore you until they want something from you, usually sex. This builds resentment. Day to day life events cause us to act or react and depending on the situation sometimes you need your partner to help you. If they are unavailable (even if in the room) you will grow to resent their in-action or lack of reaction.
How do you get back to the honeymoon phase to salvage your relationship? You don't that has passed and it's too late. That doesn't mean you give up it just means you have to be practical in you approach to repairing your bad relationship. You move forward, agree to disagree and try to find balance. If both parties are willing to do the work the relationship may survive. If only one is willing then you may as well stop wasting valuable resources on someone who just doesn't give a damn about you.
There is no invisible force field holding you to someone who really doesn't love or respect you, children growing up in such an environment learn that it's ok not to love your wife or husband because that's what they have grown up with, it's normal in their eyes and will lead to failed relationship after failed relationship.
So now I ask myself, why, if my parents have such a great marriage have I failed at more than my fare share? Because I honestly believed during the honeymoon phase that their attentiveness, commitment and care would last the rest of our lives. Once that phase passed and their true colours emerged (mine included) we clashed big time, there was no balance and no compliment. No matter how I tried I couldn't change them and I was wrong to think I could. You are not responsible for changing someone else only they can change themselves and trust me, they don't think there is anything that needs changing about them any more than you think you need to change.
Be true to yourself, take care of you and put behind you any notion that you are unworthy of finding your Yin. They are out there it's knowing how to recognise them. And that's a whole other story...
Tammy.
When we are in a new relationship we are unsure of our status with the other person, we try really hard to impress and are willing to compromise on issues that normally we wouldn't in an effort to ensure the other persons happiness. Why does that have to change? When does it change? What do we do to facilitate that change?
Relationships fall into three categories. First the honeymoon phase, as mentioned above. Second the fashion assassin phase and Third the colour blind phase.
Honeymoon Phase: This can last up to three years depending on the compatibility of the couple.
You know that period when you are first discovering each other, learning what pleases and what doesn't actually making an effort to ensure your new found loves happiness. Doing those little things to please them and being very appreciative of their efforts. It's a lot of figgin work and after a while we have to wean ourselves off the constant niceties. The trick here is to not go cold turkey but to maintain a level that will sustain you into the Fashion Assassin Phase.
Fashion Assassin Phase: This is where your true colours either clash or compliment and the duration is dependant on how you "look" together.
This can be long and happy if you compliment each other, and not in the verbal sense, however that helps. Are you the Yin to his Yang? Are you balanced as a couple and as individuals, do you embrace each others differences and compliment each other on what a great team you make. Congratulations you will likely move onto the colour blind phase with little conflict.
However if your colours clash you will know it and fast. Once the honeymoon phase passes and that knight in shining armour turns into an idiot in tin foil what do you do? Continue in the relationship hoping and praying that maybe he's just on vacation and will return to sweep you off your feet? Good luck with that. People are incapable of changing their true colours, their nature is what it is. No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in, if the other person is a lazy procrastinator or controlling and manipulative you will not change that.
Keep in mind however that what you see is reflected back on you. You see them as lazy they may see you as a controlling nag. Be careful of what you accuse them of because they will have also formed an opinion of you bases on what they see. This is a recipe for disaster, this is why couples run into problems. It's not necessarily outside influences, however that can play a part. It's simply because their colours clash.
One thing I have observed in my relationships is that opposites while initially attract they are and always will be opposite or opposing. My ex is an extrovert I'm an introvert it was exhausting listening to him prattle on about how great he is and for him my lack of expression was read as a lack of interest, not true at first but eventually I did lose interest. My current partner is an introvert maybe even more so than me and it has lead to a lack of communication. It's all about balance, extremes of either personality will set the relationship out of balance. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.
There are couples out there who compliment each other perfectly, this doesn't mean their relationship is perfect but they have the balance necessary to facilitate harmony in the relationship. They are not fashion assassins but well co-ordinated with all the right accessories and matching shoes. You know those couples, the ones most of the rest of us envy they have it all together right? Not necessarily trust me there is no such thing as the perfect couple, they just know how to continue complimenting each other in the face of adversity because they have balance.
Colour Blind Phase: This is reserved for couples who have made it through child rearing years and are so accustom to each others colours they have become colour blind to them. My parents for example.
My parents have been married for almost 44 years and they are the epitome of colour blind. They exist together because that's what they have always done. There colours have melded together creating an entirely new colour that is undetectable to the naked eye they are uni-coloured. This doesn't mean they have no individual personality, my parents are very different from each other it's just that over the past 44 years they have adapted to each others colours blending them and creating balance where there may not have been.
I remember growing up, my mom was the disciplinarian, with two daughters it's really no wonder, yet we were terrified or our dad. Not in a way that we though he would hurt us, more so in that we didn't want to see what would happen if we did piss him off. My dad's a big man with a big voice and you didn't need a cell phone to be called home for dinner you just needed my dad standing in the front door hollering for us, and you came running as soon as you heard the first bellow.
What do you do if there is no hope of balance or compliment? Do you continue to force that square peg into the round hole or do you give up and find a round peg? It depends on you conviction and commitment to the relationship as well as the other persons conviction and commitment. BUT you need to talk about it. You can't sit and stew about how your partner seems to ignore you until they want something from you, usually sex. This builds resentment. Day to day life events cause us to act or react and depending on the situation sometimes you need your partner to help you. If they are unavailable (even if in the room) you will grow to resent their in-action or lack of reaction.
How do you get back to the honeymoon phase to salvage your relationship? You don't that has passed and it's too late. That doesn't mean you give up it just means you have to be practical in you approach to repairing your bad relationship. You move forward, agree to disagree and try to find balance. If both parties are willing to do the work the relationship may survive. If only one is willing then you may as well stop wasting valuable resources on someone who just doesn't give a damn about you.
There is no invisible force field holding you to someone who really doesn't love or respect you, children growing up in such an environment learn that it's ok not to love your wife or husband because that's what they have grown up with, it's normal in their eyes and will lead to failed relationship after failed relationship.
So now I ask myself, why, if my parents have such a great marriage have I failed at more than my fare share? Because I honestly believed during the honeymoon phase that their attentiveness, commitment and care would last the rest of our lives. Once that phase passed and their true colours emerged (mine included) we clashed big time, there was no balance and no compliment. No matter how I tried I couldn't change them and I was wrong to think I could. You are not responsible for changing someone else only they can change themselves and trust me, they don't think there is anything that needs changing about them any more than you think you need to change.
Be true to yourself, take care of you and put behind you any notion that you are unworthy of finding your Yin. They are out there it's knowing how to recognise them. And that's a whole other story...
Tammy.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
No, This Is Not About YOU!
Ever encounter a situation where you really need to let someone know they are hurting a loved one? I know several people, myself included who have had to deal with this. There is a common thread with this, the individual doing the hurting needs it to be about them.
Recently a good friend received an email from an individual who just doesn't seem to get that they are hurting someone close to them. The original email from my friend indicated that they were concerned that the person being hurt would do something dangerous to themselves and the offending party needed to step up and take notice.
Well what in sued was a verbal attack and the offender twisted and turned it around to make them out to be the victim and made the whole situation about them.
I've said it before I'll say it again, this is NOT about YOU!
The way I explained it to my friend is, we know what's really going on. The other person due to lack of interest has no clue yet their feelings of utter hatred towards my friend automatically assume it's all made up and no more than crazy ramblings. The thing is, my friend is perfectly sane. The individual they deal with is and has been diagnosed with a mental disorder yet, in their mind they are not the crazy one.
It's frustrating to deal with individuals who suffer from mental instability. Whether it is diagnosed or not, these people refuse to get help. Why? Well because they honestly believe they are normal any you are the nut job. You can not explain to them that their behaviour and actions are not normal, they won't believe you. As far as they are concerned you are just out to "get" them.
As an observer in this situation I can see the dilemma, the pattern of behaviour and the resulting onslaught of written and verbal abuse issued by the unstable individual, yet they maintain there is nothing wrong with them. They are incapable of seeing the other persons point of view. They are only concerned with how this or that affects them directly and will only address that which they see either a benefit or a personal attack. They avoid issues that they cause that directly affect others, usually innocent bystanders because they feel they have had nothing to do with it.
So what do you do about it. There isn't much. These people are beyond help, they are ignorant to the problems and crisis they cause and are so driven by ego they refuse to take ownership of their actions. Sure there are professionals out there who claim they can help and for some yes they can. For these individuals though there is no help. Even if you can convince them to go for therapy they will attend a maximum three sessions, enough to placate you but not so many that they have to face their demons. They are master manipulators be certain of that and will likely only tell the therapist what they want to hear.
Time and time again I've seen and heard such stories. I've also heard about successes with therapy and there is a very big difference between those who are helped and those who can not be helped and that is willingness. Willingness to get better, willingness to take ownership and willingness to admit you were wrong and most of all willingness to ask for help. These individuals who are willing do not come from a place of ego, that is not what drives them. Those individuals who are driven by ego will never ask for help, at least not until something traumatic happens to them directly. It's a sad situation to find your self part of, all you can do is protect yourself and those closest to you by not letting the offending individual get too close. If that means leaving a toxic situation then that's what you have to do, think of yourself for once, Lord knows they only think of themselves.
Tammy.
Recently a good friend received an email from an individual who just doesn't seem to get that they are hurting someone close to them. The original email from my friend indicated that they were concerned that the person being hurt would do something dangerous to themselves and the offending party needed to step up and take notice.
Well what in sued was a verbal attack and the offender twisted and turned it around to make them out to be the victim and made the whole situation about them.
I've said it before I'll say it again, this is NOT about YOU!
The way I explained it to my friend is, we know what's really going on. The other person due to lack of interest has no clue yet their feelings of utter hatred towards my friend automatically assume it's all made up and no more than crazy ramblings. The thing is, my friend is perfectly sane. The individual they deal with is and has been diagnosed with a mental disorder yet, in their mind they are not the crazy one.
It's frustrating to deal with individuals who suffer from mental instability. Whether it is diagnosed or not, these people refuse to get help. Why? Well because they honestly believe they are normal any you are the nut job. You can not explain to them that their behaviour and actions are not normal, they won't believe you. As far as they are concerned you are just out to "get" them.
As an observer in this situation I can see the dilemma, the pattern of behaviour and the resulting onslaught of written and verbal abuse issued by the unstable individual, yet they maintain there is nothing wrong with them. They are incapable of seeing the other persons point of view. They are only concerned with how this or that affects them directly and will only address that which they see either a benefit or a personal attack. They avoid issues that they cause that directly affect others, usually innocent bystanders because they feel they have had nothing to do with it.
So what do you do about it. There isn't much. These people are beyond help, they are ignorant to the problems and crisis they cause and are so driven by ego they refuse to take ownership of their actions. Sure there are professionals out there who claim they can help and for some yes they can. For these individuals though there is no help. Even if you can convince them to go for therapy they will attend a maximum three sessions, enough to placate you but not so many that they have to face their demons. They are master manipulators be certain of that and will likely only tell the therapist what they want to hear.
Time and time again I've seen and heard such stories. I've also heard about successes with therapy and there is a very big difference between those who are helped and those who can not be helped and that is willingness. Willingness to get better, willingness to take ownership and willingness to admit you were wrong and most of all willingness to ask for help. These individuals who are willing do not come from a place of ego, that is not what drives them. Those individuals who are driven by ego will never ask for help, at least not until something traumatic happens to them directly. It's a sad situation to find your self part of, all you can do is protect yourself and those closest to you by not letting the offending individual get too close. If that means leaving a toxic situation then that's what you have to do, think of yourself for once, Lord knows they only think of themselves.
Tammy.
Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk...
...get a paper towel and clean it up! Better yet, call the dog and have him do it!
A funny saying "There's no sense crying over spilt milk." It's true, what can you possibly do to un-spill it? Nothing. How does this relate to relationships?
Lets disect.
When you spill a glass of milk how do you react? Usually pissed off because of the mess you've made you now have to clean up. What if that mess isn't milk but a fight you've had with your spouse or children? Or maybe you've done something or said something to someone who really didn't deseve it and you see the mess you've made. Is it too late to cry over it? Not always, the question is, what are you going to do to fix it?
Does it need fixing? Is it fixable? Do you expect an appology from the milk for spilling in the first place? Who knocked it over? What are you willing to do to clean up the mess?
This was an expression Nanny would use if someone was feeling bad about something they had done but was out of their control to change. "There's no sense crying over split milk." I take that as saying, "get over it, there's nothing you can do about it." But there is, there always is something that can be done. You clean it up.
If you hurt someone and immediately afterward realize what you've done, do you feel remorse and appologize? Most of us do. There are those who would spill a four litre jug of milk and not give it a second thought. Those individuals really don't care about the feelings of others. The reason we cry, is because we have feelings, we want to clean up our mess, we don't want to just move on and forget about it. Sometimes though, we have to.
There will be people in your life who really don't care about you or your feelings, they will use you and when you've out lived your usefullness toss you aside like the empty jug you are. How you react is the clincer. Recently I helped a friend make sense of a situation that seemed hopeless, what we disertained from it was, do not respond, a reaction is what the offender is waiting for in order to enable further milk spilling. So just sit back relax and let them fizzle out. Then when the time is right pull out the paper towel and clean up the mess. You will have had a chance to assess the situation and will be able to make the apporpriate decissions in order to clean up the mess.
Sometimes inaction is the only action to take. Do not react, breath, sit and wait. See what comes of it. If it's a situation that requires a split decission then ok, but still take a moment to collect your thoughts and put evey thing in order. This is the best course of action you can possibly take.
Stay tuned for "No, This Is Not About YOU!"
Tammy.
A funny saying "There's no sense crying over spilt milk." It's true, what can you possibly do to un-spill it? Nothing. How does this relate to relationships?
Lets disect.
When you spill a glass of milk how do you react? Usually pissed off because of the mess you've made you now have to clean up. What if that mess isn't milk but a fight you've had with your spouse or children? Or maybe you've done something or said something to someone who really didn't deseve it and you see the mess you've made. Is it too late to cry over it? Not always, the question is, what are you going to do to fix it?
Does it need fixing? Is it fixable? Do you expect an appology from the milk for spilling in the first place? Who knocked it over? What are you willing to do to clean up the mess?
This was an expression Nanny would use if someone was feeling bad about something they had done but was out of their control to change. "There's no sense crying over split milk." I take that as saying, "get over it, there's nothing you can do about it." But there is, there always is something that can be done. You clean it up.
If you hurt someone and immediately afterward realize what you've done, do you feel remorse and appologize? Most of us do. There are those who would spill a four litre jug of milk and not give it a second thought. Those individuals really don't care about the feelings of others. The reason we cry, is because we have feelings, we want to clean up our mess, we don't want to just move on and forget about it. Sometimes though, we have to.
There will be people in your life who really don't care about you or your feelings, they will use you and when you've out lived your usefullness toss you aside like the empty jug you are. How you react is the clincer. Recently I helped a friend make sense of a situation that seemed hopeless, what we disertained from it was, do not respond, a reaction is what the offender is waiting for in order to enable further milk spilling. So just sit back relax and let them fizzle out. Then when the time is right pull out the paper towel and clean up the mess. You will have had a chance to assess the situation and will be able to make the apporpriate decissions in order to clean up the mess.
Sometimes inaction is the only action to take. Do not react, breath, sit and wait. See what comes of it. If it's a situation that requires a split decission then ok, but still take a moment to collect your thoughts and put evey thing in order. This is the best course of action you can possibly take.
Stay tuned for "No, This Is Not About YOU!"
Tammy.
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