Conflict Resolution and The Art Of War

If you haven't read Sun Tzu's The Art Of War, I highly recommend you do. here

It's not a how to kill your enemy guide it's a guide on how to know your enemy in order to get the better of them with out a battle.  There are proven strategies that have worked for centuries.  This is not a book to be taken lightly the information enclosed is invaluable.

Be very careful though that you don't absorb your enemy's negative energy.  By enemy I mean anyone who does not have your best interest at heart.  Lets face it, when someone is wanting something from you be it negative or positive, your decision to help is based largely on the effect it has on you either positively or negatively.

You don't have to always be the one giving.  The takers of the world are very skilled at their craft and once the well has run dry on your farm, they will move on to some unsuspecting soul and suck them dry too. 

Conflict will arise when you don't readily give in but give the impression that you might.  You may falter in your answer, even a no with a pause in front may be taken as a maybe if they push hard enough.  How to resolve this?  Easy, be firm.  Not so easy?  Why not?  Do you enjoy being taken advantage of?  Do they hold some magical power over you?  You know what? Yes sometimes they do.  Take for example my friend, her daughter and her grandson.  If she doesn't cater to her daughters demands she doesn't get to have a relationship with her grandson.  Her daughter uses emotional black male to get what she wants out of her mother without concern to the damage she is doing to her son.

What to do in a situation like this?  Wait.  Eventually they will need a favour and forget all about the original fight (conveniently of course) let them come to you.  In the case above, eventually the daughter will need someone to look after her son, and having no where else to turn will come slinking back with sugar coated words asking for this favour, but be certain that it will not be her idea but the grandson's, and while she would rather not have to ask, he's insisting.  Oh, and there will be conditions, usually silly pointless conditions easily ignored once she's on her merry way.

So though this conflict wasn't necessarily resolved it was put aside and using the techniques in Art Of War Sun Tzu talks about the two methods of attack, direct and indirect and with that an endless series of maneuvers, which you choose is dependant on the circumstance that you are in. If you choose direct then you will be met directly, if you choose indirect, expect the same in return.  The person who makes the first move dictates the response of the other.

If all else fails, avoidance works.  That is if you really aren't interested in a battle.  Sometimes we need a moment to collect our thoughts and avoidance may buy you some time.  If the conflict still ensues then how you proceed will dictate the final outcome.  Loosing you temper is a natural human response.  Being able to control it is a skill and it's a hard one to learn.  Emotions dictate the tone and temper of the conflict.  It can be anything from an all out scream fest to a quiet barrage if insults and mud slinging.  How you respond to any conflict will pre-determine the outcome.

If you feel a conflict arising ask yourself what you are willing to loose and gain?  How will you conduct yourself and be proactive.  If a conflict is inevitable take the lead.  Own it, don't be blind sided by the opponents actions or comments, expect it.  You know your opponent, and if you don't then don't get into it with them, walk away, there is no good to come of it, do not give energy to a fight you can not win.

I hope this helps, I know when I'm faced with having to deal with combative individuals I prepare myself for the worst but still hope for the best most peaceful outcome.

Up next, why we cry over spilt milk.
Tammy.

It's OK To Write A Letter.

Ever have that one person in your life you could rely on for awesome advice? Someone who didn't judge you or charge you money to sit and listen to you for an hour without really offering any sage advice?

I did, she was my Nanny. Her name, Captolia McKnight. I loved her dearly, I still do. Not a day passes without a thought or two of her, and it's with her in mind I started writing/blogging in the first place.

She loved words, loved to read, loved crossword puzzles, and if she had the opportunity she likely would have written a book or two herself. She always had a kind word for you and lots of "sayings".

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Oh, words to live by for certain but not as easy as it sounds.

I've made the mistake of saying nothing at all, and the issues escalated. It's hard to say something nice when what you are facing isn't nice at all. There is always a time and a place for every thing. Fighting in public is a really bad idea. Fighting in front of your kids even worse.

If you are faced with an unavoidable conflict, do it behind closed doors. If you can, step back for a moment and let the rage subside. We are all human, no one is exempt from feelings of anger towards another. It happens, there are situations and issues that build that eventually boil over and you find yourself hurling venom soaked words at the person you see as the perpetrator of you anger.

This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. You know as soon as you've uttered those words that "oops, that was a bad idea" or maybe it takes a day or two to realise what you've done. Too late though, you can't take it back. You can apologize, it's up to the other individual to forgive you, if that's what you want. You can't force forgiveness on someone, it's forGIVEness not forTAKEness.

On the flip side however, if you're not looking for forgiveness but an apology then you have to ask yourself, did I go about this the right way? Did I convey my concerns for the matter in such a way that the other person understood the impact their words or actions has had on me? Probably not. I say this because we are human, we are emotional beings and when emotions are high we are not necessarily in the right frame of mind to deal with problems.

However, it's not always easy to have a calm rational conversation about problems or issues that need to be resolved. There is no crystal ball to peer into to predict the other persons reaction. Even the calmest individual is capable of explosion. My advice, and what has worked for me in the past, write a letter. You are able to think clearly, you have the entire floor without interruption or topic change and you are able to proof read and edit. All things that are impossible during a confrontation.

Keep in mind you will eventually have to discuss your letter, but at least you've had a chance to put it all out there, every last drop. The person to whom the letter is addressed may decide to reply in writing as well, this is fine. Take what they say and really digest it before you reply. Don't try reading between the lines, most of the time people will pour their hearts out unabashedly in writing rather than try to play games.

There are those individuals who do play games. Be aware, these same people would rather engage in a verbal debate as this is their area of expertise, and likely the source of your reluctance to participate in a verbal confrontation, you've lost before you've even started. If you initialize with a letter, and they want to respond verbally, make sure you have a copy handy and they only address the points in your letter. Should they dredge up old news, cut them off and get them back on track, this is where remaining calm is your best option. Use your letter as a shield.

Another fun saying of Nanny's, "Never go to bed angry." Ever try that? Going to bed angry at your partner or kids or whomever? Not easy is it, lying there stewing and formulating your verbal assault til about oh, three in the morning? Not fun is it? Don't worry, unless the other half of the argument is oblivious to your frustration, they are likely doing the same.

This will inevitably result in a three a.m. tearful conversation (if it's with your partner of spouse) and maybe even make-up sex if you feel you've been heard and understood. If not you will wake up (after eventually falling asleep) to an undeniable chill in the air. This can only go on for so long so you better do one of two things, deal with it or drop it.

Next up in Spilt Milk, Conflict Resolution and The Art of War.

Tammy.

This Sums It Up Beautifully

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Resurrection

I had put this blog to rest because I wasn't sure where I was going with it.  Last night it hit me and so here we are resurrected.

I have a purpose in this life, I know what it is but I can't quite bring it to fruition.  If I were native and the year was 1818 I would be in training as a Shaman or Wise One.  (Not that I think I'm wise now, that's what I would be training for).

People come to me for help.  My best friend, my ex-husband, an ex-co-worker, my family.  All looking for advice or just a sympathetic ear.  I don't claim to be able to "fix" their problems I just have a knack for being able to assess and offer possible scenarios for them to follow to find their own "fix".  This is why I'm here.  I'm a healer of sorts.  I'm not perfect however, believe me I know this first hand.  I have many faults and I've made my share of mistakes.  It's what I take from these lessons that enables me to know "just what to say" (as I've been told) and when to say it.

My intent with this blog is to impart the vast wisdom I have gained on my personal journey.  Some of it you will recognize from previous blogs but I'm hoping most of it will be fresh.  And by vast wisdom, I probably mean pointless rambling, but that's subjective and I'll let you decide.

Welcome to "Spilt Milk" may you find the answer you are searching for.

Tammy.