They say, you know them, they know EVERYTHING, that people don't really change. That you can't "change" someone and that it's unfair of you to even want to. I don't feel this is entirely accurate. Change is possible but it's also personal. You can not force someone to change who they are. More often than not when we say "you've changed" it's our personal perception that has changed.
How we see others determines what we feel needs to be changed. Who's right? Are you right to think someone needs changing? Are they right for wanting to stay the way they are? Try this, what is it that you are perceiving that needs to change? Your perception, that's what.
What brought this to light was a conversation about how people change. They really don't but they do conduct themselves differently in certain situations. For example. I know a couple who were for all intents and purposes relatively compatible in the beginning of their relationship. Now add kids and things change, why? Because the woman now has a new focus and her partners perspective of her in this new roll was no longer the same as it was before kids. Her perspective of him changed because he started reacting differently because of his perception. See where I'm going with this?
So, fast forward several years, nothing seems to work to get them to perceive each other as they did in the beginning. This has caused irreparable damage to their relationship and thus the end is eminent.
Again lets skip ahead a few years. Both individuals have such resentment towards each other because they are both blaming the other for the demise of the relationship and damage it has done to the family unit. However both are in relationships with new partners and the perception is that they are happy and have "changed" for the better. Not so, they simply are with someone who perceives them differently than the original partner therefore until that perception changes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
The original partner knows that the new person is only perceiving what their ex is portraying. There will come a time or event that changes that perception and it can either mark the end of the new relationship or they manage to work through it and accept the new perception.
It's not the person who is perceive to have changed, it's the person who's perception of the other that has changed. It doesn't mean the person perceiving has changed it means they are no longer in agreement or compatible with this new perception.
A simple analogy for you. Take a retractable pen, click it open. The pen is now a useful tool that can be used to write a letter, sign a cheque, fill out an entry form. We perceive an open pen as useful. Now close it. Pretend it can never be open again, or you just don't want to try opening it because it's a physically draining task. It's still a pen but how we now see it is it's useless. Did the pen change? Well, it's less open to being a useful tool because it refuses to open but by definition it's still a pen.
Like people we are either open to being perceived one way, or we are not. My ex I'm sure perceives me differently than he does his new girlfriend. Why wouldn't he, she's giving him the perception that she is compatible to his personality. She probably is, until his perception of her changes.
My perception of him is the same as the day I left him, it's not anything close to the perception I had when we were first together. Why? Not because he changed but because his perception of me changed. I was no longer the person, in his mind, that he started our relationship with. I know my perception of him changed because I no longer saw him the same way as well. And in our case this was a really bad thing for our relationship.
It's hard to accept ownership of our personal change of perception. We would rather put the blame on others, far easier on the self esteem I imagine. But really we are our own worst enemies. You know full well when you are starting a relationship all the things about the other person you dislike, but your overall perception is positive because you want the relationship to work. Eventually who you are, your perception takes over and those little things become big things once the relationship is comfortable and your perception slowly but surely starts to change. Not them, those things were always there, they didn't change. How you see them is what changed.
So you see, if you want to keep a relationship strong, see them as they are warts and all, accept them for who they are don't assume they will always be the same person you fell in love with because they won't be when your perception changes, or theirs of you changes. What is key is to recognise when your perception is changing and address that, take ownership of it and make sure it's something you can either live with or work with. Otherwise, your reaction to this change in perception will facilitate theirs and now you have a chain reaction that might never stop until you end the relationship all together.
Had I know this fifteen years ago I would have tried a lot harder to make my marriage work. I didn't want to end up this way, but because I didn't have the clarity I do now I felt I didn't have any other option. What I didn't realise was my change in perception facilitated by his also facilitated his change in perception of me. No going back now, not that I could change my perception of him, but what I can do is take ownership for my part and let it go.
Tammy.
