My Favourite Job

I really love being a mom.  I know it sounds cliche but it's true.  It's an awesome job!  It's challenging, it's frustrating, it's heart wrenching but most of all it's so rewarding.  It's the best full time gig I could ask for.  It's 24/7 365, there are no vacations, no monetary compensation and no performance reviews or cost of living increases to be had. The payback is in seeing your babies mature into amazing teenagers and eventually adults.  No greater job is there on this planet.

I say this because I have two wonderful teenagers.  They have their moments but that's part of my job to help them through their issues.  They may fight and resist my help but in the end they come around and a lesson is taught, learned and accepted.  I am "hated" and "loved" in the same sentence, I'm their worst nightmare, an embarrassment and insult to their fragile psyche's.  I'm the one they turn to in a crisis, I am their shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and the best two arms to wrap around them and make them feel safe.

It's because they feel safe that they can express themselves in what ever form that takes.  AND only a mom can understand that.  Not that dad's are bad their not, they just don't react in the same way to their child screaming at them that they hate them.  I recently had a conversation with a female friend and we both agree our kids respond differently to us than their fathers.  It's not good or bad, it's just different and the way it is, period.

Unless mom is incapable of nurturing, that's what we are designed for.  It is our jobs as moms to ensure the social, emotional, mental and in some ways physical well being of our children.  It's dad's job to ensure they know how to survive, the whole "hunter, gatherer" aspect.

What makes this dynamic difficult is when either parent crosses the line and assumes control.  For example.  Your child is in the midst of a meltdown, can be subtle or obvious and they are lashing out at you, mom, because they are incapable of dealing with their emotions and can't fully express themselves as we-adults, can.  We have learned not to throw a tantrum because we aren't able to find the "words" to convey our thoughts or feelings towards a specific situation.  So, said child is flipping out at mom, dad steps in and in a raised voice demands the child not "talk to your mother that way!".  Understandably dad wants to protect mom from the evil that has obviously possessed the child. 

One of two things will happen, the child will crumble into a sobbing mass or retaliate and redirect to dad making the situation worse because no dad sees the war erupting.  So what do you do?  Well at this point there is usually an angry exchange between parents in front of the child which redirects the issue from the child to the parents creating further conflict.  My suggestion would be, let mom deal with the child directing their anger or frustration at them.  We are far betting equipped to handle the situation in a manner that is less damaging to the parent child relationship. 

Moms are the best negotiators, and deal makers.  We have guilt on our side.  No child really wants to hurt the woman they've bonded with from birth.  They just need to get out of their system what ever is bothering them and mom's can handle it.  Just this morning, my son told me he hated me.  He didn't mean it, he was tired and I woke him to give him his medication.  In the very next breath he said "thanks, I love you mom".  I didn't totally ignore the "I hate you", I told him "I hate you too, now take your pill."  This is just talk, now there have been times when he's been disrespectful and I have definitely corrected him on it.  I don't flip out I explain that when he's disrespectful it tells me that he is not deserving of my or any one's respect in return. 

Please don't get me wrong, there are tones of nurturing dads out there, they are rare but they exist.  I hope to teach my son to be nurturing to his kids and a help to his wife not a hindrance when I comes to dealing with his kids.  Oh, and he plans on having six so he better be understanding.  Boys today are capable of being nurturing, I think as parents we are far more aware of the need to raise our boys differently than our parents generation.  I didn't have brothers but my ex had two, both his brothers have only girls, we had the only boy in the mix and their parenting methods has had to change from what they learned from their parents.  With the exception of my son the girls are definitely treated differently by his dad and his dad's parents who only knew boys.

My parents had two girls, they have no idea how to raise a boy and with their grandson, again the only grandson until recently when he was joined by their great-grandson they had no idea how different boys are, naturally, from girls.  BUT, being the parents and grandparents of mostly girls they completely understand the need to nurture, or at the very least on my dad's part, the need to let the mom/grandma/great-grandma nurture.  It's our job, by default, it's our job.

So regardless of your personal experience on this topic, or opinion.  This might give you some insight as to why the mother of your children seems complacent with certain bad behaviour.  It's not because we don't care, it's because we do at a level only a mom can understand.  We are not the superficial caregivers we appear to be we are so deeply connected we see beyond the behaviour to the root cause.  And we don't take it personally so please don't assume we do.

Tammy.

Lost

I recently engaged in a series of pm's with an old friend. Now when I say old, I don't mean age, although...  This person has been an important part of my life for just over twenty seven years.  And although there have been literally years between contact I still hold this individual close to my heart for all the crap they've endured.

Most recently a very messy split from their spouse and subsequent legal battle.  This is taking it's toll on my friend and during the pm's they indicated they felt lost, that they didn't know who they were any longer, that all this crap has hardened them and they feel disconnected to the real them.

I explained that this is a way of protecting one's self in the midst of crisis.  It's putting up shields and disconnecting so you can deal with the situation from outside yourself.  It's protection it's a natural defence mechanism that will inevitably make you "feel" like you're not yourself any longer.

I know this feeling well.  I experienced it when I had the fateful conversation with my ex when I told him I couldn't do this any longer with him.  There was no fear, no emotion, nothing, just words coming from a body I was only partially inhabiting at that moment.  It's an odd surreal feeling and if it's prolonged it will lead to feelings of being lost or a fraction of the person you were.

Once you're through the crisis, really done with it you will re-connect.  You will fall back into yourself and feel whole again.  It will happen as long as the issues you are dealing with are dealt with.  Your brain is protecting the vulnerable emotional side of you so you can get through this and if you don't, if you run and hide and try to avoid the issues you are needing to have closure on you will always be lost to your self.

For a first time experience of this it will feel permanent.  Like there is no way you will ever be the same again and rightfully so, you won't.  You will have learned very valuable lessons from this experience and you will have the opportunity to grow from it.  Don't look at it as a bad thing, this could end up being one of the most important transformational moments of your life, embrace it and own it, most of all learn from it.

That shield will fall away and you will be whole again, you will be a better stronger version of yourself and you will have the copping tools to withstand pretty much anything life throws your way.  This is just another version of yourself, one, up until now you had never met.  It's still you, just different for a little while.

Tammy.