So easily taken advantage of. If someone offers a helping hand because you have whined and complained about how bad you have it. Are they fools for falling prey to your will? If they are willing to sacrifice so you may be happy does this really make them happy or are they just so desperate for attention, any ones attention, they put themselves out there to be taken advantage of.
Think about this. When we begin a relationship with someone we give it our all. 110% jump in with both feet and hope the landing is soft. We hope that the other person is on the same page, we assume they are also in it 110% but do you really know that for sure? Really?
What happens if after a while you start to see signs that maybe it's more like you are giving 110% and they are scraping by with 95%. Then what? Suppose that slips even further, to say 75% on a declining scale as time passes? Are you still giving your 110% or is that waining too? I bet it is.
There is no give without get. Time is the factor here, the more you give and the less you get over time will certainly shift the balance in even the most stable of relationships. Yet the receiver still wants your 110% and oddly enough feel entitled. Maybe even still a little grateful, but it's come to be expected. Who's at fault? Both.
The kind hearted fool and the sponge who's slowly sucking them dry. How do you stop this? You can't, it's up the the individuals involved. Typically the kindness dries up and leaves and the sponge is left sitting all alone wondering what went wrong. OR the sponge is no longer satisfied and kicks the kindhearted soul to the curb. I've seen it happen, I've witnessed the aftermath of such a relationship and the sponge is and always will be the sponge, where as the kindhearted individual becomes jaded and takes on the position of a sponge because they have learned a valuable lesson.
Funny how that works. If you are in a position where you feel even remotely as though you are being taken advantage of you need to speak up. You have rights too, you deserve to be given as much as you give. You deserve to not be drained dry, either emotionally, physically or financially. Your generosity has limits and be sure it is being deposited into as much as withdrawn from.
As for you sponges out there, remember, you are not entitled to rob someone of everything they are, you are not entitled to sit back an put in zero effort. And making excuses is not acceptable. Even Steven please, that way everyone wins.
Oh, and for the record, just because someone had taken advantage of you does not mean you get a "Free Sponge" card. The person you are taking advantage of now, is not the person who took advantage of you, you didn't like it why should they?
Tammy.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Art Of Lying
We all do it to some degree and if you deny it...you're lying.
There are several different forms of lies. There are several different reasons for lying and all of which are justifiable to the person spewing the lie. A lie is only a lie if the person being lied to finds out or already knows the truth. A lie is also a lie only if the liar gets caught. Really, think about it. If someone told you a lie, say a little white lie, we all do it. And you believed it. Is it really a lie? It's become your truth hasn't it? It's only the liar who knows it's a lie and they aren't about to fess up so it to becomes their truth. I've blogged about "False Truths" before, this is a little different.
When does a lie become exactly that? When the person being lied to finds out. Before then the lie might have been believable.
What about withholding the truth? What about avoiding being honest with some one and doing something you know you would have to lie about so not to get caught or to not have to face consequences. Is this the same thing? That's up to you to decide. If you live by "what I don't know won't hurt me" then I guess it's ok. But what if you do know? Then what?
Interesting dilemma. Do you let the person withholding information know you know? Or do you let it play out and see how far they are willing to take this risk knowing full well how you may react if you were to find out? But you already know and because you know and are withholding this knowledge does that make you a liar as well?
Tricky business this lying game. It's all a matter of morals and perspective. If you are the type of person who uses lies to get what you want from others, you can justify it eight ways to Sunday it's still lying, it's used for personal gain. If you only lie to protect yourself or others from harm is that still lying? Yes, but what is motivating the person to lie? The personal gain they seek is protection from someone else. They're justified. Still a lie though.
Little white lies, that's a grey area. We use these usually to keep from hurting someones feelings. "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No, you look awesome!" All the while he sees her as a beached whale in it. Should he have been honest and risk ruining their relationship? How would she have reacted if he said "Yes"? It all depends on the person. We do ask to be lied to all the time.
"Do you love me?", "I do" All the while they are planning their escape. Lies are as common place as breathing for some. It's when you encounter someone who abhors lying and liars and espouses how they NEVER lie and yet you catch them time and time again doing just that, lying. Where do you draw the line? When do you "call" them on it? How far do you let the lies go before you stop them? How do you justify their lies to make them hurt a little less? Why?
All really good questions and if even one makes you stop and think not only about what you lie about and why but what you tolerate in lies from others then this blog has value. And if you're sitting there on your high horse claiming to have never lied then I ask you this...what "little white LIE" have you ever told to your kids to keep from deeply hurting their feelings? Like, oh I don't know..."Don't be scared, that needle will only hurt a little bit" Then it's jabbed into their arm, or leg or worse mouth and they know you just lied to them. They might not believe you the next time.
Like I said, we all do it, we are all guilty at some level. But they are really only lies if we get caught right? If we can justify our reasons for doing it is it really that bad? Is it really lying? I guess that's the million dollar question.
Tammy.
There are several different forms of lies. There are several different reasons for lying and all of which are justifiable to the person spewing the lie. A lie is only a lie if the person being lied to finds out or already knows the truth. A lie is also a lie only if the liar gets caught. Really, think about it. If someone told you a lie, say a little white lie, we all do it. And you believed it. Is it really a lie? It's become your truth hasn't it? It's only the liar who knows it's a lie and they aren't about to fess up so it to becomes their truth. I've blogged about "False Truths" before, this is a little different.
When does a lie become exactly that? When the person being lied to finds out. Before then the lie might have been believable.
What about withholding the truth? What about avoiding being honest with some one and doing something you know you would have to lie about so not to get caught or to not have to face consequences. Is this the same thing? That's up to you to decide. If you live by "what I don't know won't hurt me" then I guess it's ok. But what if you do know? Then what?
Interesting dilemma. Do you let the person withholding information know you know? Or do you let it play out and see how far they are willing to take this risk knowing full well how you may react if you were to find out? But you already know and because you know and are withholding this knowledge does that make you a liar as well?
Tricky business this lying game. It's all a matter of morals and perspective. If you are the type of person who uses lies to get what you want from others, you can justify it eight ways to Sunday it's still lying, it's used for personal gain. If you only lie to protect yourself or others from harm is that still lying? Yes, but what is motivating the person to lie? The personal gain they seek is protection from someone else. They're justified. Still a lie though.
Little white lies, that's a grey area. We use these usually to keep from hurting someones feelings. "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No, you look awesome!" All the while he sees her as a beached whale in it. Should he have been honest and risk ruining their relationship? How would she have reacted if he said "Yes"? It all depends on the person. We do ask to be lied to all the time.
"Do you love me?", "I do" All the while they are planning their escape. Lies are as common place as breathing for some. It's when you encounter someone who abhors lying and liars and espouses how they NEVER lie and yet you catch them time and time again doing just that, lying. Where do you draw the line? When do you "call" them on it? How far do you let the lies go before you stop them? How do you justify their lies to make them hurt a little less? Why?
All really good questions and if even one makes you stop and think not only about what you lie about and why but what you tolerate in lies from others then this blog has value. And if you're sitting there on your high horse claiming to have never lied then I ask you this...what "little white LIE" have you ever told to your kids to keep from deeply hurting their feelings? Like, oh I don't know..."Don't be scared, that needle will only hurt a little bit" Then it's jabbed into their arm, or leg or worse mouth and they know you just lied to them. They might not believe you the next time.
Like I said, we all do it, we are all guilty at some level. But they are really only lies if we get caught right? If we can justify our reasons for doing it is it really that bad? Is it really lying? I guess that's the million dollar question.
Tammy.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Patience is a virtue.
Interesting expression isn't it, "patience is a virtue". In a world of instant everything we've lost touch with this particular virtue as we instant this and instant that. But really does it matter? I think so.
To be patient means to wait calmly, even tempered, persevering. Virtue means merit, an admirable quality, moral excellence. So, it is admirable to be able to persevere. Ok, but we don't have to any longer. For most things anyway. I find myself less and less patient these days, when once upon a time it was a quality I prided myself in. My ability to wait calmly. I struggle with this daily now and I don't think it's because as I grow older I become less patient, I think it's because I just don't have to be.
The thing is in this fast paced world we need this virtue of patience more now than ever before. Before we had no choice, today we do. We can instant message someone if we need to contact them, whereas as little as oh, 20 or so years ago less for some we would put pen to paper and send our thoughts and questions via what is now known as "snail mail" and yet that will for the most part arrive at it's destination in a matter of days.
Imagine what life was like 100 years ago? Patience was a requirement expected of everyone. Still an admirable virtue but expected none the less. Today we simply sluff it off if we see someone loosing patients with an other fellow human and chalk it down to them having a bad day. Rarely do we attribute it to them having simply lost the virtue of patience. As if patience is no longer a requirement.
My ex used to abhor the concept of patience. He would say that's just someone elses way of saying "f-you". As if being expected to wait for something was akin to being denied out right. He had and still has a low tolerance for patience and not because of the world around him but because he feels his wishes should be fulfilled instantly upon his request. The concept of having to wait for something was appalling at best.
I on the other hand have decided that I'm going to regain this virtue. I will endeavour as much as possible to be patient, even when it frustrates and annoys me to have to do so. I will wait calmly and preserver, I will embrace this admirable trait and make it mine once again. How? Don't know, but I do know what it feels like to lose my patience so acting in contrary should do the trick.
Remember, "Good things come to those who wait."
Tammy.
To be patient means to wait calmly, even tempered, persevering. Virtue means merit, an admirable quality, moral excellence. So, it is admirable to be able to persevere. Ok, but we don't have to any longer. For most things anyway. I find myself less and less patient these days, when once upon a time it was a quality I prided myself in. My ability to wait calmly. I struggle with this daily now and I don't think it's because as I grow older I become less patient, I think it's because I just don't have to be.
The thing is in this fast paced world we need this virtue of patience more now than ever before. Before we had no choice, today we do. We can instant message someone if we need to contact them, whereas as little as oh, 20 or so years ago less for some we would put pen to paper and send our thoughts and questions via what is now known as "snail mail" and yet that will for the most part arrive at it's destination in a matter of days.
Imagine what life was like 100 years ago? Patience was a requirement expected of everyone. Still an admirable virtue but expected none the less. Today we simply sluff it off if we see someone loosing patients with an other fellow human and chalk it down to them having a bad day. Rarely do we attribute it to them having simply lost the virtue of patience. As if patience is no longer a requirement.
My ex used to abhor the concept of patience. He would say that's just someone elses way of saying "f-you". As if being expected to wait for something was akin to being denied out right. He had and still has a low tolerance for patience and not because of the world around him but because he feels his wishes should be fulfilled instantly upon his request. The concept of having to wait for something was appalling at best.
I on the other hand have decided that I'm going to regain this virtue. I will endeavour as much as possible to be patient, even when it frustrates and annoys me to have to do so. I will wait calmly and preserver, I will embrace this admirable trait and make it mine once again. How? Don't know, but I do know what it feels like to lose my patience so acting in contrary should do the trick.
Remember, "Good things come to those who wait."
Tammy.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Out Of The Ashes.
Why does it take sinking to such lows that then and only then we realise our own self worth.
I think it takes hitting rock bottom to truly appreciate who we really are and the inner strength we are able to muster to bring us back from the brink. We all have ingrained survival instincts and that's what kicks in when we want to check out.
Lately I have been in the very honoured position to assist someone back from the brink. From making the absolute worse decision of their lives due to the very poor decision of another. Nuf said. What I find remarkable is the ability with which we all have within us to shift our perception to fit our needs.
When we wallow in self pitty, it isn't because someone told us to. It's a result of our persception of the situation we find our selves in. We choose how we react, we are not told how to react. That doesn't work. The position I find myself in currently is one of guidance, of sheding light on a new way of seeing things and reasurance, always positive reasureance.
Someone wallowing does not need help with this, they are doing a great job all on their own. What they do need is a voice of reason who sees this damaging behaviour and calls them on it. Gently of course but firmly. Maybe this is a gift or maybe it's just logic, but recognizing someone in dire need of gentel persuasion is something everyone has, it's a matter of taking off the blinders and stepping up to help.
It's not an easy task, knowing just what to say and when. It's not easy remaining neutral and objective when you know all the person in need, needs is a swift kick in the butt. It's not easy not absorbing their problems and making them your own. It's a fine line to walk a balancing act of epic proprotions but it can be done with the right skills.
Elevating someone out of their low is to be done with great trepidation. Do not assume because they tell you they are all right that they are. Monitor behaviour, check in offten and make sure the know that you really care. That you have their best interest at heart and you are always there for them. Most of all, make sure you are always there. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a friend, just be sure to be the best friend you can be. If you are not in a position to offer help, don't, you'll only make matters worse.
I came across a status up date on facebook today that sums it up beautifully. I don't know who said it but I do know who posted it and I would like to thank them for this little nugget of inspiration...
Tammy.
I think it takes hitting rock bottom to truly appreciate who we really are and the inner strength we are able to muster to bring us back from the brink. We all have ingrained survival instincts and that's what kicks in when we want to check out.
Lately I have been in the very honoured position to assist someone back from the brink. From making the absolute worse decision of their lives due to the very poor decision of another. Nuf said. What I find remarkable is the ability with which we all have within us to shift our perception to fit our needs.
When we wallow in self pitty, it isn't because someone told us to. It's a result of our persception of the situation we find our selves in. We choose how we react, we are not told how to react. That doesn't work. The position I find myself in currently is one of guidance, of sheding light on a new way of seeing things and reasurance, always positive reasureance.
Someone wallowing does not need help with this, they are doing a great job all on their own. What they do need is a voice of reason who sees this damaging behaviour and calls them on it. Gently of course but firmly. Maybe this is a gift or maybe it's just logic, but recognizing someone in dire need of gentel persuasion is something everyone has, it's a matter of taking off the blinders and stepping up to help.
It's not an easy task, knowing just what to say and when. It's not easy remaining neutral and objective when you know all the person in need, needs is a swift kick in the butt. It's not easy not absorbing their problems and making them your own. It's a fine line to walk a balancing act of epic proprotions but it can be done with the right skills.
Elevating someone out of their low is to be done with great trepidation. Do not assume because they tell you they are all right that they are. Monitor behaviour, check in offten and make sure the know that you really care. That you have their best interest at heart and you are always there for them. Most of all, make sure you are always there. You don't need a degree in psychology to be a friend, just be sure to be the best friend you can be. If you are not in a position to offer help, don't, you'll only make matters worse.
I came across a status up date on facebook today that sums it up beautifully. I don't know who said it but I do know who posted it and I would like to thank them for this little nugget of inspiration...
Tammy.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Imaginary Abuse
I have blogged about this before but not from this angle. I've written about verbal, emotional and physical abuse and the tole it takes on individuals but I have never written about imaginary abuse.
What I mean by imaginary abuse is exactly that. When someone is so starved for attention that they fabricate horrific events in order to garner sympathy and attention. I know an individual who does this on a regular basis and as a result has a sad pathetic existence plagued by the wrong kind of attention.
I read on the facebook status shuffle application a status that went something like this..."two wrongs don't make a right but two negatives make a positive" OK, yes there is no denying that two negatives make a positive but what they fail to believe is that for every two negatives you only get one positive therefore you will be drowning in negatives in order to attain a drop of positive. See my point?
So this person, used to accuse there ex of sexual abuse, this has now escalated to an accusation of full on rape which happened while they were married. This evolution is an example of imaginary abuse. This person is so needy that they have now blatantly lied at the expense of another human in order to gain the worlds sympathy. Sympathy they do not deserve. Pity, maybe, insane asylum definitely.
What this person, though claiming to be an "expert", doesn't realise is that people who are truly abused either, verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically do not advertise their abuse. They keep it to themselves because of the belief that they some how caused it. They do not advertise to anyone who would listen that their former spouse raped them. They do not celebrate the fact that they were beaten by someone who claimed to love them. The only type of individual who would claim something so heinous is someone who is purely driven by their need for sympathy. This is definitely a mental illness that is damaging on so many levels.
Truly abused individuals are terrified that their abuser will find out no matter the time or distance between them and retaliate. The person who merrily espouses that they were abused has no idea what abuse really is. Either that, or they are so mentally damaged that they suffer masochistic tendencies, which equates to the abuse they suffer being self induced. Which in turn gives them the opportunity to cry victim when all the while they are the predator. I know first hand this person bated their ex into a mild sexual encounter one that did not result in "rape" as claimed and one that was stopped the moment the ex was aware this was not what their spouse wanted. This was not a breach of trust on the part of the alleged offender but blatant entrapment on the part of the alleged victim. Therefore who is the true offender who is the true victim?
Imaginary abuse is symptomatic of a much deeper mental illness. Those individuals who claim imagined abuse are a danger to themselves but more so to those whom they claim abused them. They have no clue or care that their accusations while questionable at best have longer far more detrimental consequence on the innocent accused and on those closest to the accused. Human nature dictates we support the victim and shun the predator. However, when the predator has donned the mask of a victim we are all played as fools.
Be very wary of someone carrying on and on about how they were abused. The chances are it's either all in their head or not at all as it's being conveyed. Unless you happen to know first hand the true situation please as with everything keep in mind there are two sides to every story and with some people you have to take what they tell you with a grain of salt because there is always an agenda or a motive behind such elaborate tales. How you react to their stories will also be indicative to the truth behind it. Should you choose to be sympathetic, listen for the "rest" of the story and ask yourself, "is this for my benefit?" If your response is cold and seemingly uncaring, is the topic of conversation changed or do they continue in an attempt to convince you? Things to look out for.
The easiest way to know who has made up their story of woe is by their demeanour when telling you. Do they cower in on themselves in and attempt to protect themselves from an unseen force, or are they nonchalant and elusive telling you about is as if they were reciting a grocery list? Watch the body language, the eye contact or lack there of (liars avoid eye contact more so than abuse victims) are they animated with their recount? The true and real fact is, someone who has lived through real abuse is less likely to even let you know let alone advertise it to the world for fear of continued abuse, retaliation or personal humiliation. THAT is what abuse victims are reduced to, not sympathy mongering psychopaths...they were/are psychopaths to begin with.
Tammy.
What I mean by imaginary abuse is exactly that. When someone is so starved for attention that they fabricate horrific events in order to garner sympathy and attention. I know an individual who does this on a regular basis and as a result has a sad pathetic existence plagued by the wrong kind of attention.
I read on the facebook status shuffle application a status that went something like this..."two wrongs don't make a right but two negatives make a positive" OK, yes there is no denying that two negatives make a positive but what they fail to believe is that for every two negatives you only get one positive therefore you will be drowning in negatives in order to attain a drop of positive. See my point?
So this person, used to accuse there ex of sexual abuse, this has now escalated to an accusation of full on rape which happened while they were married. This evolution is an example of imaginary abuse. This person is so needy that they have now blatantly lied at the expense of another human in order to gain the worlds sympathy. Sympathy they do not deserve. Pity, maybe, insane asylum definitely.
What this person, though claiming to be an "expert", doesn't realise is that people who are truly abused either, verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically do not advertise their abuse. They keep it to themselves because of the belief that they some how caused it. They do not advertise to anyone who would listen that their former spouse raped them. They do not celebrate the fact that they were beaten by someone who claimed to love them. The only type of individual who would claim something so heinous is someone who is purely driven by their need for sympathy. This is definitely a mental illness that is damaging on so many levels.
Truly abused individuals are terrified that their abuser will find out no matter the time or distance between them and retaliate. The person who merrily espouses that they were abused has no idea what abuse really is. Either that, or they are so mentally damaged that they suffer masochistic tendencies, which equates to the abuse they suffer being self induced. Which in turn gives them the opportunity to cry victim when all the while they are the predator. I know first hand this person bated their ex into a mild sexual encounter one that did not result in "rape" as claimed and one that was stopped the moment the ex was aware this was not what their spouse wanted. This was not a breach of trust on the part of the alleged offender but blatant entrapment on the part of the alleged victim. Therefore who is the true offender who is the true victim?
Imaginary abuse is symptomatic of a much deeper mental illness. Those individuals who claim imagined abuse are a danger to themselves but more so to those whom they claim abused them. They have no clue or care that their accusations while questionable at best have longer far more detrimental consequence on the innocent accused and on those closest to the accused. Human nature dictates we support the victim and shun the predator. However, when the predator has donned the mask of a victim we are all played as fools.
Be very wary of someone carrying on and on about how they were abused. The chances are it's either all in their head or not at all as it's being conveyed. Unless you happen to know first hand the true situation please as with everything keep in mind there are two sides to every story and with some people you have to take what they tell you with a grain of salt because there is always an agenda or a motive behind such elaborate tales. How you react to their stories will also be indicative to the truth behind it. Should you choose to be sympathetic, listen for the "rest" of the story and ask yourself, "is this for my benefit?" If your response is cold and seemingly uncaring, is the topic of conversation changed or do they continue in an attempt to convince you? Things to look out for.
The easiest way to know who has made up their story of woe is by their demeanour when telling you. Do they cower in on themselves in and attempt to protect themselves from an unseen force, or are they nonchalant and elusive telling you about is as if they were reciting a grocery list? Watch the body language, the eye contact or lack there of (liars avoid eye contact more so than abuse victims) are they animated with their recount? The true and real fact is, someone who has lived through real abuse is less likely to even let you know let alone advertise it to the world for fear of continued abuse, retaliation or personal humiliation. THAT is what abuse victims are reduced to, not sympathy mongering psychopaths...they were/are psychopaths to begin with.
Tammy.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
He Said, She Said.
The sad part about leaving your spouse is the hatred they develop towards you. Was it always there, brewing? Was it all they could do to keep from showing you their real feelings towards you? Why did you end the relationship in the first place? What went wrong?
My side of the story goes something like this. I never felt he loved me as much as I loved him. He was extremely controlling to the point I would get upwards of three to four phone calls while out grocery shopping. Then when I arrived home I would be criticized for my purchases. That's just one small example.
His side might go something like this. She's untrustworthy because she never does as she's told. I have to constantly monitor her to make sure she isn't spending too much money or out with her friends having fun while I slave away in the kitchen or at my job to try and get a little ahead. She's undeserving of my love or respect. Or maybe he just thought "she doesn't love me why should I love her?"
After a recent conversation with my ex the above is pretty darn accurate. I was never deserving apparently because I tried to be my own person. A huge no no with a narcissist. He felt he needed to control ever aspect of my life not because he loved me but because he didn't trust me. How's that for a wonderful marriage? Bet you wish you were me huh?
So fast forward four and a half years after our separation. It's been unbelievably rocky with periods of extreme conflict. Usually based around money issues. In my opinion he's a cheep bastard. In his opinion I'm a money grubbing looser. The way he talks to me is in a word, insulting. But why? Why does he think it's ok to talk to me like that? Familiarity? Maybe, maybe he just really hates me that much. I left him after all. What I don't understand is how that is even remotely productive.
For the past four years he's had an outstanding debt of $300.00 for our son's dental surgery with me and for four years he's put off paying it, always coming up with some excuse. The beginning of this school year we were required to pay a tuition type fee for our daughters school program. I didn't have the money when it was due, but I know how schools work I knew I could get an extension to payday just a few days past their due date. My ex decided he would pay the whole shot and I could pay him back my share of $180.00. HANG ON... I could pay HIM back? What's wrong with this picture?
Well, long story short, it's not going to happen. But the fight that ensued in order for me to achieve satisfaction on a debt outstanding for four years was astronomical to say the least. Oh the accusations and outright verbal abuse levied from him during this argument would make a construction worker blush. All for a difference of $120.00 that I have now agreed to forgive was uncalled for. The fact of the matter is, we have a 50/50 arraignment but it has been anything but. I buy the kids their clothes and shoes and any other little item they may require, I have bought their winter gear without so much as a request from him to pay his 50%. I have spent an astronomical amount of money on our daughter helping her with her modeling career and he's pitched in $100.00 so far a fraction of the 50% he would owe. And have NOT asked for a single penny because of the battle I would have to endure.
There is no such thing as 50/50 there is always someone who gets screwed. Usually the less dominant of the spouses. In this case, me. There is no arguing with him, he's always right and I'm always wrong and it's always me who is asking him for money. That's because it's always me who is out of pocket first because he refuses to see to the kids needs, not wants, needs. As a case in point, he told the kids he would give them money for Christmas last year as did I. They had small gifts to open Christmas morning from both of us at our respective homes. My kids each got a money card with their cash inside from me Christmas morning.
This past June their dad finally got around to depositing their Christmas money into their account, six months after Christmas. I suppose it worked out for the best because they had money this past summer but he could have at least told them that was his plan and not lead them to believe they were S.O.L. That whole situation certainly gave them a new perspective as to who they are dealing with. Oh, and if you think this is a little whinny and one sided, after the battle I just endured can you please give me this?
The thing is, sometimes I feel bad about leaving and a little sad because I was obviously not good enough for him. I feel I've hurt my kids by destroying our family but it was all I could do. I was heading down a path of self destruction when I was with him because I felt I had no alternative. I left so I could show my kids that it's not ok to constantly yell at and berate your wife in front of your kids. It's not ok
After episodes like today, I am reminded of all the crap I endured at his hand. And while I'm still a little rattled I know I don't have to go home to him and face a continuation of today's battle. I do however have to endure my son's birthday dinner with him. For the past four years this has been the tradition. It's going to be uncomfortable to say the least but for my son I'm not going to cancel. My kids have already paid too high a price for my decision. For them I will be civil and cordial all the while my skin will be crawling with every moment spent with someone who loathes me so.
I'm the type of person to want to keep the peace, and it's usually at my own expense. He lives for conflict and debate and thrives on the misery of others. Just ask his family. Don't bother with his friends though he has them so convinced he's Gods gift to the world they would certainly not agree. It's those of us closest to him who know who he really is and what he's capable of. We are the ones he considers "the enemy" me, and his family all because we know him, the real him.
Of course he would tell you he's the nicest person he knows and that we are the ones who are wrong. Yes, the whole group of us, who have the exact same experience with him and the exact same opinion of him, we are all wrong. The thing is, he really doesn't see the damage he does. He is unknowingly destructive and eventually everyone who gets close to him realises this and walks away. I've had a conversation with one of his many girlfriends since we split. I was finally able to let her know what I had been wanting to tell all of his girlfriends. "Do you think I left him because he is a nice guy?" She has witnessed first hand his true colours as did I in January 2000 when we were living in a hotel with two toddlers because he couldn't keep the real him in check.
It's a sad sad day when you realise the person you've invested 13 years and two children with never really loved you. It literally took me until now to figure this out. I blamed his temper, what it was, was his lack of love and respect for me. If once just once I felt that he loved me the way a husband and wife should love each other I would have stayed. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. It always felt I was struggling to earn his love and respect and he was always raising the bar so I could never attain it. His side? Irrelevant. I really don't care anymore what he thought of me or our marriage. He will no longer live in my head with the "what ifs" I know what my life would be like if we were still together, we wouldn't be. This split was, from the start, inevitable.
Tammy.
My side of the story goes something like this. I never felt he loved me as much as I loved him. He was extremely controlling to the point I would get upwards of three to four phone calls while out grocery shopping. Then when I arrived home I would be criticized for my purchases. That's just one small example.
His side might go something like this. She's untrustworthy because she never does as she's told. I have to constantly monitor her to make sure she isn't spending too much money or out with her friends having fun while I slave away in the kitchen or at my job to try and get a little ahead. She's undeserving of my love or respect. Or maybe he just thought "she doesn't love me why should I love her?"
After a recent conversation with my ex the above is pretty darn accurate. I was never deserving apparently because I tried to be my own person. A huge no no with a narcissist. He felt he needed to control ever aspect of my life not because he loved me but because he didn't trust me. How's that for a wonderful marriage? Bet you wish you were me huh?
So fast forward four and a half years after our separation. It's been unbelievably rocky with periods of extreme conflict. Usually based around money issues. In my opinion he's a cheep bastard. In his opinion I'm a money grubbing looser. The way he talks to me is in a word, insulting. But why? Why does he think it's ok to talk to me like that? Familiarity? Maybe, maybe he just really hates me that much. I left him after all. What I don't understand is how that is even remotely productive.
For the past four years he's had an outstanding debt of $300.00 for our son's dental surgery with me and for four years he's put off paying it, always coming up with some excuse. The beginning of this school year we were required to pay a tuition type fee for our daughters school program. I didn't have the money when it was due, but I know how schools work I knew I could get an extension to payday just a few days past their due date. My ex decided he would pay the whole shot and I could pay him back my share of $180.00. HANG ON... I could pay HIM back? What's wrong with this picture?
Well, long story short, it's not going to happen. But the fight that ensued in order for me to achieve satisfaction on a debt outstanding for four years was astronomical to say the least. Oh the accusations and outright verbal abuse levied from him during this argument would make a construction worker blush. All for a difference of $120.00 that I have now agreed to forgive was uncalled for. The fact of the matter is, we have a 50/50 arraignment but it has been anything but. I buy the kids their clothes and shoes and any other little item they may require, I have bought their winter gear without so much as a request from him to pay his 50%. I have spent an astronomical amount of money on our daughter helping her with her modeling career and he's pitched in $100.00 so far a fraction of the 50% he would owe. And have NOT asked for a single penny because of the battle I would have to endure.
There is no such thing as 50/50 there is always someone who gets screwed. Usually the less dominant of the spouses. In this case, me. There is no arguing with him, he's always right and I'm always wrong and it's always me who is asking him for money. That's because it's always me who is out of pocket first because he refuses to see to the kids needs, not wants, needs. As a case in point, he told the kids he would give them money for Christmas last year as did I. They had small gifts to open Christmas morning from both of us at our respective homes. My kids each got a money card with their cash inside from me Christmas morning.
This past June their dad finally got around to depositing their Christmas money into their account, six months after Christmas. I suppose it worked out for the best because they had money this past summer but he could have at least told them that was his plan and not lead them to believe they were S.O.L. That whole situation certainly gave them a new perspective as to who they are dealing with. Oh, and if you think this is a little whinny and one sided, after the battle I just endured can you please give me this?
The thing is, sometimes I feel bad about leaving and a little sad because I was obviously not good enough for him. I feel I've hurt my kids by destroying our family but it was all I could do. I was heading down a path of self destruction when I was with him because I felt I had no alternative. I left so I could show my kids that it's not ok to constantly yell at and berate your wife in front of your kids. It's not ok
After episodes like today, I am reminded of all the crap I endured at his hand. And while I'm still a little rattled I know I don't have to go home to him and face a continuation of today's battle. I do however have to endure my son's birthday dinner with him. For the past four years this has been the tradition. It's going to be uncomfortable to say the least but for my son I'm not going to cancel. My kids have already paid too high a price for my decision. For them I will be civil and cordial all the while my skin will be crawling with every moment spent with someone who loathes me so.
I'm the type of person to want to keep the peace, and it's usually at my own expense. He lives for conflict and debate and thrives on the misery of others. Just ask his family. Don't bother with his friends though he has them so convinced he's Gods gift to the world they would certainly not agree. It's those of us closest to him who know who he really is and what he's capable of. We are the ones he considers "the enemy" me, and his family all because we know him, the real him.
Of course he would tell you he's the nicest person he knows and that we are the ones who are wrong. Yes, the whole group of us, who have the exact same experience with him and the exact same opinion of him, we are all wrong. The thing is, he really doesn't see the damage he does. He is unknowingly destructive and eventually everyone who gets close to him realises this and walks away. I've had a conversation with one of his many girlfriends since we split. I was finally able to let her know what I had been wanting to tell all of his girlfriends. "Do you think I left him because he is a nice guy?" She has witnessed first hand his true colours as did I in January 2000 when we were living in a hotel with two toddlers because he couldn't keep the real him in check.
It's a sad sad day when you realise the person you've invested 13 years and two children with never really loved you. It literally took me until now to figure this out. I blamed his temper, what it was, was his lack of love and respect for me. If once just once I felt that he loved me the way a husband and wife should love each other I would have stayed. I didn't have that, not even in the beginning. It always felt I was struggling to earn his love and respect and he was always raising the bar so I could never attain it. His side? Irrelevant. I really don't care anymore what he thought of me or our marriage. He will no longer live in my head with the "what ifs" I know what my life would be like if we were still together, we wouldn't be. This split was, from the start, inevitable.
Tammy.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Failure
When we set someone up to fail one of two things will happen. They will either fail as we expect or they will succeed as we don't expect. What then?
Well, in a fair and just world we should praise the individual for their achievement shouldn't we? Not look for justification in how it was our expectations that caused the victory. Oh we can be narcissist can't we?
Unfortunately when we set someone up to fail it's because we know with certainty that we will be proven right in our judgment. It's not about the poor individual who has just failed miserably but about our need to elevate ourselves, no matter the cost. Who gets hurt? The person you've just set up.
To do this to a child is unconscionable. It is a form of child abuse and it lowers a child's fragile self esteem to the point of no recovery. All for what? So you can say "I told you so"? Really? Why not teach the child how to succeed? Why not elevate there self esteem? Why? Because for most of us it is against our nature to put others before ourselves. Unless of course you're a mom. I would die for my kids, no questions asked.
I want my kids to be a million times more successful than I could ever dream to be. I would never "set them up to fail" yet I see them being set up and I do nothing. The guilt I feel about this is consuming and yet I do nothing. I have no argument, I'm defeated at every turn. All I can do is be there when they fail and assure them it's NOT THEIR FAULT! How do I fight for them? How can I help them?
All I can offer is to be there to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
Tammy.
Well, in a fair and just world we should praise the individual for their achievement shouldn't we? Not look for justification in how it was our expectations that caused the victory. Oh we can be narcissist can't we?
Unfortunately when we set someone up to fail it's because we know with certainty that we will be proven right in our judgment. It's not about the poor individual who has just failed miserably but about our need to elevate ourselves, no matter the cost. Who gets hurt? The person you've just set up.
To do this to a child is unconscionable. It is a form of child abuse and it lowers a child's fragile self esteem to the point of no recovery. All for what? So you can say "I told you so"? Really? Why not teach the child how to succeed? Why not elevate there self esteem? Why? Because for most of us it is against our nature to put others before ourselves. Unless of course you're a mom. I would die for my kids, no questions asked.
I want my kids to be a million times more successful than I could ever dream to be. I would never "set them up to fail" yet I see them being set up and I do nothing. The guilt I feel about this is consuming and yet I do nothing. I have no argument, I'm defeated at every turn. All I can do is be there when they fail and assure them it's NOT THEIR FAULT! How do I fight for them? How can I help them?
All I can offer is to be there to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together.
Tammy.
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